It's bent metal
The Apprentice: Week Eight
[SPOILER ALERT! . . .]
Down to seven, and one of the very finest episodes. Task: to choose two prototype product designs from some design hopefuls (no takers for the giant, fluffy banana hammock then) and flog to "the trade", just like Sir Alan's been doing for 40 years with his "ugly mush". Velocity - a sort of business-hopeful version of Tight Fit with Ansell flanked by Ruth and Michelle - picked what seemed like loss leaders to me: a Sputnik-style coat stand that fitted into a cardboard tube but had to be assembled in front of potential clients and an eighty-three quid concrete light. Meanwhile, Invicta - its gender bias very much in the other direction with Sharon taking up the "nicey nicey" slack against at least two bull elephants, Syed and Paul, and the "patsy" Tuan, who was later to admit to Sir Alan that he fills the jobs other people don't want to do - plumped for a revolutionary no-spill-no-overfill petrol can (which looked to me like the very fibreglass thing you see at product design degree shows that will never, ever feel the underside of a price gun) and a nifty looking shelf unit, or at least nifty if you just want to display a magazine, an air freshener and a candle. One priceless furniture dealer tore off the emperor's new clothes by saying, "It's bent metal." They had until a very specific 6.30pm to sell as many of these Wilf Lunn-style objets d'uselessness as their bullshit could carry to "the trade".
Syed seemed to sense that this was his last chance and threw himself into his specialist "skill set", ie. going for the kill, closing a deal and telling people he's from the East End. That, and being Syed, or "The Liar" as Sir Alan's aide Margaret christened him back at the table. He ignored Sir Alan's advice not to try to sell to the big retailers, targeting B&Q, Sainsbury's and Texaco, who, amazingly, told him to write them a letter. Eventually, he talked his way into some rich bloke's house in Lewisham, who put his name down for 300 petrol cans, lighting up the faces of Syed and Tuan like Victorian urchins at Christmas. Unfortunately, it meant that they didn't get back to base for 6.30 and the team were penalised by 25 per cent of their takings, despite Syed's convincing excuse of bad traffic ("all the roads were closed" - all of them?).
Velocity's gamble paid off, as well-targeted independent retailers on the Fulham Road for shoppers-with-more-money-than-sense liked the stupid coat stand and the lights that improve with being knocked about and chipped (a USP valiantly pushed by Ruth, who didn't believe it any more than we did). They only fucked up once, when thinking too big and being told by the owner of nine stores that he was prepared to take the hat stand but not pay for it, as the designer was lucky to have one in each of his shops. Michelle and Ruth called him a "wanker" as they left, when in fact they were the "wankers". I can't remember what Ansell did, but he did it, and the team won a day of facials at a "top" health spa. At least these three seem to like each other's company.
Unlike Invicta, whose internal animosity wouldn't fit on a dozen bent-metal shelves. Paul made the funniest faces in the boardroom and was rightly spared the final reckoning. That was down to The Liar, The Planner and The Whinger. (Only a woman, Sharon, would be accused of whingeing. If a bloke was doing it, he would be accused of interrogating an idea. Sir Alan really doesn't like women. He thinks they're nice and nice is for wimps.) It's easier if Syed thinks you're shit and tells you so in public. If he quite likes you, as he does with Tuan ("You were a soldier!"), the betrayal is more euphemistic and ultimately more depressing: "He can plan, but he can't sell."
I had hoped Syed was going. He caused Sir Alan to tell him to shut up three times, but walked away by dint of having less ovaries than Sharon, whose days have been numbered since the private jets. Sir Alan fired her because she is the wrong gender. Retaining her dignity, she did not whinge.
I loved it when Paul, having failed to shift some bent metal to a camp shop-owner who goes to the gym too much, observed that "these kind of people need a kick up the arse." Did he mean furniture retailers, Londoners or gays? Either way, "they're always reading books, drinking coffee and eating croissants." Not like back home in the North, eh, Paul, where people only read the Racing Post, drink beer and eat coal. Prick.
I hope Ruth wins. And if it's true that Michelle and Syed "got it on" during the filming of the series, she's off the bottom of my chart. I hope he gave it 110 per cent and proved that he is the best performer. Shut up! Shut up!
Previous reviews:
Week One
Week Two
Week Three
Week Four
Week Five
Week Six
Week Seven
posted by Andrew Collins @ 11:11 PM
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13 Comments:
Sir Alan certainly proved his mysogynistic tendencies - Sharon was a gonna from the moment that team lost. Once again this was car crash telly at its best - priceless moments included comments like "...these people just can't make decisions" when talking to shop OWNERS who thought the products being sold were basically a load of old tat. They COULD make decisions, and indeed they did, that decision being NO. Syed surpassed himself once again and managed to come up with the best line of the night: "...We think in the future this Can will be the Can of the future" - the future of the future? That's a long time away, presumably around the same time that Syed learns some interpersonal skills. Brilliant.
I think Syed is actually one of the most dislikable people I have ever come across. Direct quote: "If he fires me, it will be his loss." Hmm. What on earth is his appeal? Surely business is partly about building relationships with clients in order to get deals closed in the first place? And as he said, he isn't there to play "happy families". I'm clearly very naive about business, but I think if someone with that attitude tried to sell me something I'd say no on principle. (This is probably why I work at an art college and not in any kind of retail or sales...)
It's gripping TV, though...
Only caught the last fifteen minutes this week so I was looking forward to your weekly update, Andrew.
Luckily in that fifteen minutes I got to see Syed being called a shameless self-promotor and being told to "Shut up" about a dozen times and hear Sharon call him an "arrogant wanker" at the end. He truly is the most obnoxious person on television.
"He is truly the most obnoxious person on television."
And that's saying something!
Sharon's 'arrogant wanker' sign off to Syed was her finest moment by far, for once she was word-perfect. What a charming couple Syed and Michelle would make! Michelle is Doon Mackichan's surly swimming pool receptionist on The Day Today: 'I'm not authorised to give you a key, yours'll be in the bottom of the pool go and look for it...'
If Syed wins my faith in human life will be finally put to its coffin...
The 25% penalty was a ridiculous arbitrary measure designed to work to Syed's favour. If his contribution had been totally discounted as it should have been, his team wouldn't have come anywhere near the others and his failure to return on time with a sale would truly have lost them the task. By applying this penalty to the whole of their total, Syed's contribution remained the largest at the end.
Given the choice of the three, Syed should have gone simply because he told a blatant lie to Sir Alan's pixies. (He does know he's being filmed doesn't he?) As he was prepared to overlook that (which could only be because Syed is the new Jo), Sir Alan had a tough choice between Tuan and Sharon. They've both been largely ineffectual but Tuan (backed by Syed saying that his sale was a team effort) put up a better defence in the boardroom. I don't think it just came down to Sharon's gender.
I took Paul's remarks to be aimed at furniture retailers, who evidently don't fit with his template for businessmen. It's not fair to portray him as a bigot. I'm sure he considers their northern counterparts to be just as poofy. (Joke!)
Andrew, I love the fact that you review the Apprentice because my other half watches it, but I don't, because I can't bear the people in it. So, I can read your pithy and salient comments and engage in relatively relevant conversation with him without having to view it. Plus, what you say about it is always amusing. Thank you.
I too liked Syed's "future can of the future" comment. Presumably this will be the distant future when it becomes useful to dispense a precise measured amount of fuel from a petrol can, rather than the quirky way we do things these days where when we are stranded by the roadside we foolishly empty the whole can into the tank. In the future future people will surely look back at our crazy ways and laugh.
Only the presence of the bent metal "knocked up in 10 minutes by a 12 year old in a CDT lesson" shelf prevented the petrol can from being the silliest invention of all time.
Just found your blog and all the Apprentice stuff - wish I'd been found it earlier in the series. Am re-living each awful moment with you here!
Only just watched this one on video at the weekend. I agree with all the anti Syed sentiment, but surely he's being kept in because he's good telly like Paul was last year? His comeuppance can't be far away as he's just plain, plain wrong to be given a job (any job).
Anyway, the shot of the show which made me hoot with laughter was the one of Ansell gliding into view from left to right in the pool at the health spa. Someone on an earlier earlier episode's comments asked this but it's worth reiterating, just how, and as what, did that man play professional football?
Bollocks!
I think e are being very unfair to syed. it said in the papers that sir alan gave syed the chance to avoid the boardroom although he was late becaus ehe had made a sale of 300 sales. he was so good he refused and made himself in the firing range and did not shy off.
he is so fit. lucky michelle!!!
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