Cock
The Apprentice: The Final
[BIG SPOILER ALERT! . . .]
Aah. It can only ever be a minor letdown, the final episode, shaded with melancholy that it's all over for another year, and the sinking feeling that there isn't even a proper firing at the end of it. And all that hype. Even people who don't care about the show will know who Ruth and Michelle are by now. I did my bit, giving my considered opinion on Radio Ulster's Arts Extra, despite a terrible line, this evening. But what is there to say? It's all showbiz. It's stage-managed. They're not really the 14 brightest business hopes in the country but those who were most likely to make the best television. It's all clever editing. Of course it is! It's also brilliant. We've invested eleven weeks in it, and this is our reward.
Would it be the Badger (tabloid currency: she likes ladies) or the Blonde (tabloid currency: she likes Syed)? I was always rooting for Ruth, probably due to my soft spot for the Midlands accent, but last week's revelations about Michelle's tough upbringing - music to Sir Alan's gruff ears - put her ahead. For the final task, laying on an evening in a long, thin corridor in Tower Bridge with a fabulous view through some metal girders (a truly thankless task), Sir Alan gently hinted that it could be themed around, say, James Bond or the Moulin Rouge or the can-can, so that's what they did. After all, is this programme not ultimately about pleasing Sir Alan? Michelle went for the "Double-Oh-Heaven" theme and optimistically chose - from the pool of recent firees - two people who disliked her (Paul and Syed) and three who disliked each other (Paul, Syed and Sharon). And so the soap opera came to pass, with Paul and Syed giving us some of the best comedy of the series ("Cock," being the quote of the run). Ruth had the nicer team (Ansell, Tuan and a seemingly self-gagged Jo), but the stupider idea: a murder mystery evening - in a corridor! Sir Alan told them it was shit (I'm not sure I like him personally intervening), and they added some can-can dancers, but not "traditional" ones, in case anyone thought they were just trying to butter him up.
Not as many highlights as previous tasks. The knowledge that our supersalesmen, Paul and Syed, had only sold four tickets at the end of a hard day was chest-tightening, and their Laurel and Hardy act was never less than entertaining. Michelle's droning, humourless, upwardly-inflected voice began to grate on me. She only perked up when kissing Syed, much to his annoyance ("On national television?"). Any woman who can fancy him goes down in my estimation, especially when she starts using his catchphrases ("A hundred and ten per cent") by romantic osmosis. I would have rather stood on the Bridge itself and watched the lights reflected in the Thames than attend either bash, but many did, and on points, the Bond evening looked better. Watching the murder-mystery actors and dancers gamely attempting to stretch out their act by moving down the corridor was painful, as was Sir Alan's face when faced with one of them. It all meant that the series went out with a whimper, not a bang.
The final boardroom, designed to keep us in perpetual suspense, also lacked drama. It could have gone either way, as Ruth had made more money but Michelle's night was more fun, and Sir Alan liked them both, so there was no friction, just a controlled impatience. I liked it when he dismissed Margaret and Nick, that was very dramatic, but otherwise, if it's true that they did actually film two endings, it was also a throw of the giant dice to decide. He went for Michelle, and there really is no point trying to second-guess his motives now. He's not one to have his head turned by a pretty lady, so it's nothing as sexist as that. Simply that Michelle is younger, I'd say. Ruth will no doubt write a self-help book like Miriam did, or get a column on next year's website. Good luck to her. She won't need that sabbatical. As for Michelle, I'm sure we'll see as much of her as we did of Tim ie. not much. It's not about that. It's not about the six-figure salary, in the end. It's about the process. And the process has been glorious.
The Hairy Bikers were good tonight too.
Previous reviews:
Week One
Week Two
Week Three
Week Four
Week Five
Week Six
Week Seven
Week Eight
Week Nine
Week Ten
Week Eleven
posted by Andrew Collins @ 10:10 PM
14 Comments
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14 Comments:
It was a bit of a damp squib wasn't it? I remember last year's final being a but pointless as well.
Strangely the competitor that does considerably less well in terms of revenue in the final task (Christ, I'm starting to sound like the candidates now!) seems to win each year. And is it just a coincidence that both winners have been the most attractive candidates?
I'm gutted that it's over but at least I can start to watch that hotty Kevin McCloud in Grand Designs on Wednesday evenings from now on!
By the way Andrew, you look so cute and adorable when you open your potty mouth. I've been watching 40 years of F*** and it makes me giggle like a little school girl whenever you say the C word! Your dulcet tones almost make the word inoffensive!
Michelle deserved to win in my opinion because, although she isn't such a great saleswoman as Ruth, at least she isn't abrasive to the point of being hard to work with.
We shouldn't feel sorry for Ruth though - I'm sure she's got a good career ahead of her.
Looking at both the US and UK versions winning isn't necessarily the best prize as that stops you starting a nice little media career.
Oh and you need not worry that the show has disappeared for another year Andrew - Media Guardian are reporting that the BBC have ordered a red nose Apprentice special apparently. Trouble is that does mean 'celebrities'. *shudders*
I hope BBC3 shows the Apprentice USA 3 - its univerity .v. school of hard knocks apparently (I daren't look any further on NBC's website though in case I find out who won)
Just as I thought, Ruth... doesn't win. Oh well, goes to show how irrelevant the tasks were. Did Ruth blow it by never changing gear? Her final plea was rubbish wasn't it.
Apparently 'Jenny who calls them in' was a member of the production team, which 'might' explain why only Syed acknowledged her. You just don't know what you're watching. Oh and editors, know when to stop. Same goes for Ruth, Paul, Syed (they were alright when they shut up).
Re Apprentice USA - just wonder if our version lacks a properly scary observer like Trump's right hand woman of steel. Interesting that SirAlan's were so nice.
Andrew, you need to enter next year's.
It was a bit of a disappointment wasn't it? Not Michelle winning (I thought she deserved it in the end) but that Ruth didn't even lose! Working for Sralan for 6 months now it seems... ach well, good luck to her actually. I hope he gives Ansell a job too!
Hold on, how was Ruth's final plea rubbish? Michelle used buzz words like 110 per cent and dedication. Ruth made statements like increase productivity, increase revenue. What's she got to do to be convincing? set up a powerpoint presentation with 10 year projections? Michelle was for me alright, but at times as 'non-descript' as Tuan, so it goes to show luck can play a part too.
I agree about the Ansell point. For me he'd be the most loyal of the final four.
Ruth's plea didn't strike the right note for me, it was a bit hyper, telling SirAlan she'd increase his productivity; I felt she needed to make more of a connection with him. I wasn't comparing it to Michelle's which I can't remember.
Sir Alan listens to other people's opinions but makes his own decision. He takes the task results into account but makes his own decision. He takes part in a TV show, but makes his own decision. I suppose the fact that he completely undermines the premise of the show is sort of admirable. Perhaps they should just film him doing twelve job interviews. (Actually, I think I'd watch that.)
I feared his "I like that answer" speech to Michelle last week amounted to David Brent's "You've charmed me, you've got the job," and so it proved. Afterwards, when he kept saying that he wasn't worried about Ruth, I did wonder whether that meant he would have been worrying about Michelle if he hadn't taken her on.
Still when it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter who wins. And it was nice to see Jo ("A leaf! A leaf!") looking happy and exuberant.
In the face of a Paxman-like grilling from Peter Levy on Look North this evening, Michelle gave no intimation that there was anything between her and Syed. In fact she cleverly answered every question with a question. Well it sounded like she did.
Is it wrong of me never to have watched a single You're Fired directly afterwards on BBC3? Once Chiles popped up after Wednesday's final, I turned off. Nothing against him - I just don't want to see the Apprentices in a showbiz situation. It seems all wrong.
You're Fired was never very good On the odd occasion that I did watch it I always had that feeling: there's 30 minutes of my life I'll never get back...
I think that Big Brother is the only show that has done the whole sister programme thing successfully.
You're Fired! is (well, was) brilliant! Perhaps the most entertaining thing about it was watching the fired candidate squirm as they were shown their sacking.
where is all this swearing that herbaliscious refered to? I feel like I'm missing out on something, never heard a rude word on 6Music.
Beth - Herbaliscious is referring to the two-part BBC3 documentary Forty Years Of F***, a very scholarly history of swearing on television, on which I took part. This was one of the best talking-head jobs I've ever had, as it allowed me, with intellectual and socio-historical context, to say the f-word and the c-word to camera. A lot. They've just repeated it. It'll be on again.
oh, disappointed that I missed that, thanks for telling me, I'll look out for it next time.
I'm not sure that You're Fired is really any more showbiz than The Apprentice itself. It does lack the main programme's pseudo-serious veneer that seduces you into believing you're not watching Beauty And The Geek, say. On the other hand you occasionally see a different side to the fired contestants. And it's always good to see a midlander presenting something other than sport.
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