Our Freddie Flintoff, our Jonny Wilkinson
World Cup 2006: our gangly fool
Shouldn't you be at work? Industry ground to a halt this afternoon as England played their second Group B match and the media went into Rooney meltdown. Having risen with the birds at 5.30 so that I could catch the 7.18 train into London, I was in Regents Park recording the final part of The Day The Music Died jigsaw at about 12.30 (it'll all become clear when you listen to the show on Saturday), then back in the sitcom office by 1.00 for an intensive two hours, before we adjourned for football-related self-flaggellation in hilarious plastic German helmets.
THURSDAY
Equador 3 Costa Rica 0
This put the tin hat on it for Costa Rica, if you'll pardon the off-colour war allusion in the presence of our sensitive hosts. If Equador draw against Germany they will win the group, which would be an upset. It would also mean that if we win ours, we'll play Germany, but that's all pointless speculation as yet.
England 2 Trinidad & Tobago 0
What agony they put us through. For the best part of 80 minutes this was a hard slog, a trial at Nuremberg, watching Lampard miss chance after chance, while Owen remained invisible and Crouch looked for all the world like a waste of space (and he takes up a lot of space). Only John Terry, who kept a header from Trinidad's brilliantly-named Stern John out, and David Beckham, setting them up, were anything like heroic. Elsewhere it was a familiar story: poor passing, muffed shots from good crosses, general lack of cohesion and not enough energy. One apparent "shot" at goal by Peter Crouch looked more like the ball had simply hit him on the top of his head. If this medical giant can't win in the air, what is the point of him?, you might have asked. We did. Clive Tyldesley, in the ITV commentary box, would not shut up about Wayne Rooney ("the missing piece of the jigsaw"; "Our Freddie Flintoff . . . etc." - hopefully not as pissed though). Gareth Southgate, who sounds like a man who wouldn't pronounce his "t"s but does, would not stop apologising for England. This was not commentary as I understand it. The first half was a write-off. What did Sven say to them at half-time? Probably, "Don't worry, I'll put Wayne Rooney on, 13 minutes in." What a talisman the chunky little fellow is. And to be fair, the moment he replaced Owen (at which we were screaming, "Take off Crouch!"), along with the fleet-of-foot Aaron Lennon for Carragher, events picked up. Rhythm entered the side, previously dancing like a dad at a wedding. Energy fizzed. But no goals were forthcoming. By the 83rd minute, we were starting to calculate what a draw would do for us, and then, Crouch scored one off his head, thanks to the latest Beckham cross off the conveyor belt. He didn't even get chance to do his Shalamar dance, he was instead covered in relieved teammates. (Nice moment caught on camera: the hug between Becks and Rooney.) Next, out of nowhere, this bloke called Gerrard (where had he been?) powered one off his left foot and sealed our immediate fate. ("I caught it nice," he said, humbly, after the match.) But Trinidad were valiant and strong once again, having already supplied us with one of the best games so far against Sweden. If they do go out, I hope Dwight Yorke smiles all the way back to Sydney.
Sweden 1 Paraguay 0
Olof Mellberg's men had just as much trouble in the first half as they had against Trinidad & Tobago. The Paraguayans essayed some nasty tackling from the off, but still kept the blondes out of their goal. It was another lastminute.com clincher, this time from the hairless head of Freddie Ljundberg in the 88th, by which time mental permutations about who would go through with how many points and who would play whom in the next round had to be rapidly recalculated. It's a mindfuck. England are currently winning the group and definitely go through, but whether we play Germany, or Equador is still up for grabs. Equally, who goes with us. I've remembered why I love these competitions so much. It's the intricate web of possible outcomes, and the knock-on effect of each game played.
Here's today's talking point: who do you think is the most attractive England player? I'm plumping for Frank Lampard - good bone structure, very well proportioned face, nice eyes, slightly curly mouth. Beckham's not in the running - he's all squinty and oblong - and Owen, although not bad looking now that he's grown up, is a little dull on the eye. Not much going on. Crouch, Rooney, Cole, gawky Neville, nothingy Carragher, forgettable Downing, even the charismatic Ferdinand, all on the subs' bench. John Terry has a reliable, trustworthy face, but he's also a bit hard, with a hint of ruthless. And Ashley Cole is handsome enough and kind-looking, but a little shifty. Both Lennon and Walcott are pretty, but not fully formed yet. Your thoughts? (I sort of can't believe I've written this down, but it keeps me amused.)
The Franken-Stadium at Nuremberg recycles all its rainwater.
posted by Andrew Collins @ 7:33 PM
18 Comments
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18 Comments:
Despite the win this game proved beyond doubt that England's midfield will not work against better teams. Lampard and Gerrard are too similar in their style of play and require a defensive midfielder to balance out their offensive instincts.
Bring in Hargreaves in place of Carragher, retain Lennon in place of J Cole and keep Beckham at right wing-back. Owen will be lucky to start another game given Crouch's form and Rooney's return.
Best looking player? Paul Robinson. I have to say that as I work with his auntie.
I know this isn't answering your scientific question, but for me a player's attractiveness is in how they play, the movement, the speed of thought, the skill (people called Peter Beardsley 'Quasimodo' but for me he was one of the most 'attractive' England players ever)... so my romantic answer is er Rooney.
Something I want to complain about is the 2 yellow card rule - collect 2 yellow cards in all your matches and you miss the next game. That is so harsh when you see some of the things that are earning bookings. Also the refs for all the matches upto the quarter-finals (at least) should have been decided in advance because too many refs are trying too hard to do what they think will impress.
The answer to ITV's appalling pundits is, and always has been, to turn off the tv sound and listen to the boys and girls at 5Live, although I am concerned that Alan Green may actually die on air at some point during this year's campaign if he doesn't relax a bit, but they do have a far superior team of pundits. Although, they appear to be broadcasting about 2 seconds ahead of the telly pictures.
Most attractive player? On looks or skill?
Gareth Southgate's addition to the ITV team is a dreadfully bland mistake. Its a shame that some of Sky's team haven't been able to get out of their contracts for the duration of the tournament as, in the likes of Andy Gray, Alan Smith, Tony Cottee, Chris Kamara etc... they have people not afraid to express an opinion.
You could be right about the most attractive player, Andrew - my sister has a fairly large crush on Frank Lampard. I don't see it myself.
Thanks for writing about the football; it means I don't have to squeeze into a pub packed with beery, shouty fans to watch it...
Most attractive players based on superficial girliness:
* Owen Hargreaves - Exceptionally pretty.
* David Beckham - I never used to find him attractive but he looks better now he's in his 30s.
* Steven Gerrard - He's alright.
Frank Lampard's face is too flat, like a dinner plate... and Michael Owen is too baby-faced. Wayne Rooney - just NO. All the others are a bit blah to look at I think.
Finally a football conversation I can contribute to!
Got to be Michael Owen all the way for me. Although I must be getting old -- in that awful Asda ad he does, half of me's going "phwoar", and the other half is going, "running around like that in a supermarket is really irresponsible; what sort of role model does he think he is to the youth of today?"
I would have to go for David James despite (or maybe because of) his slight eccentricities
Shrek!
It's quite interesting how good-lookingness and talent don't have any relation to each other. Good-lookingness is supposed to be a sign of healthy genes so you might expect all sport stars to be good-looking... In sport you often seen the classically handsome and athletic-looking shown up by the less statuesque. Sport stars are made, through practice, and not simply born the best - you've got to have something driving you on. Thanks Andrew, interesting talking point.
Good looks aren't related to 'healthy genes' (by which I assume you means genes that result in healthy people, rather than genes that are themselves healthy?!) as far as I know.
Both health and looks may be influenced by your genetic make up, but I don't think they're intrinsically linked to one another - there's no genetic reason why a good looking person should be healthy.
I'm a bit out of depth on this. I thought that the reason certain physical attributes were considered attractive was because they are subconsciously read, rightly or wrongly, as signs of health, eg: symmetry. I did use the word supposed advisedly but I also knew I was waffling!
I think some of the most attractive people look quite unhealthy, but I like the pale and consumptive look, unable to escape my gothic past.
My vote as far as England's football team goes, is David Beckham, but my husband likes Lennon, has pretty eyebrows apparently. Is there a most attractive team? France maybe?
Can I put a vote in for Crouch in the attractiveness poll? I know his profile isn't dissimilar to Wilfrid Bramble's, but...well, I guess I'm a sucker for tall men (my husband is 6'5" - I'm 5'2")!
By the way, David James went to my primary school and I seem to remember him sitting in assembly, picking at his bare feet (or perhaps it was his brother, Gilly).
Top 5 England Pretty boys
1. Beckham - gorgeous but talks like a girl.
2. Owen
3. Gerrard
4. Seaman - I know he's not playing anymore but still counts in this list.
5. Lampard
Adding to the good looks - good genes thing, I think that the theory is that symmetry of the face and body is enhanced by being disease free, therefore we're programmed to look for improved symmetry and an absence of festering boils when searching for someone to mingle our genes with. Apparently.
I knew you'd get into the spirit of my who's-the-handsomest-player debate. Thanks for that. As for best looking team? Surely one of the African sides? Or maybe France, with their shaven heads? Sweden fall down on haircuts. (This is going to be harder to debate, as there's always someone who literally lets the side down!) Play on.
Incidentally, there is a correllation between symmetry (which can be perceived as "good looking") and health. It all sounds a bit super-race, but we do instinctively look for healthy partners to procreate with. Since not everybody is looking for proceative partners, and since not everybody is symmetrical themselves, it's clearly not a hard and fast rule. Keith Richards should be dead and he isn't.
more world-cup typographic comments please. i personally think italy - dodgy chopped off type trying too hard to be modern
i stumbled across this site, and i must say:
best looking player:
undoubtedly Michael Owen
but Gerrard is a close second. Owen is more of a typical cute boy type, while gerrard has a mischievious gleam to him
most skillful? Definitely Gerrard. England will need to make full use of Gerrard if they wish to win, especially now that Owen's out. =(
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