Nilly willy
The Apprentice: it's back
I'd actually forgotten what a unique experience watching this programme is. It's a mixture of enjoyment and pain. Anyone who'd want to be on this programme in the first place (and there were 10,000 applicants this year) is not someone I'd ever want to spend time with in real life, and yet, spending an hour a week with, in this case, 16 of them is oddly pleasurable. In truth, I'd be quite happy to take out of the gene pool anybody prepared to stand up and saying, "I'm dynamic." To the credit of the programme, they don't seem to have changed much of the furniture: more contestants - which means double-firings at some stage, and more of a scramble to get your dynamic face into the edit (there are at least four or five contestants I couldn't yet name, and I really pay attention) - a more moody Siralan in the opening credits, who now seems to travel everywhere by chopper, and an unecessary but entertaining last-minute switch of team leader on the debuting helipad. Other than that, we've been here before: men and women in their late twenties and early thirites in suits all giving it 110 per cent. All bullshitters. All schmoozers. All trying to "second guess" Siralan. And one of them - Tre - actually inciting his wrath before the task had even started by suggesting a name for the "boys' team" - Cirtus? - that was a blatant ad for a client he works for. Idiot. But at the same time, one of the feistiest of the sixteen, swearing already and clearly up for a fight, which is good. I like him - if we accept that I hate him, as I hate all contestants on The Apprentice. For the record, the team names are Stealth for the "girls" (much whooping when that was chosen, of course) and Eclipse for the "boys".
Simple task to start: selling coffee in London's Islington. (Simon asked if they should sell tea? Tre asked him if he saw the word "beverage" on the brief, or "coffee" - it was the latter. Or the latte.) With a van and a stall each, and the misleading information that they could sell a thousand coffees in a day (yes, if they were Starbucks), they were off, with Andy, by far the most irritating of the boys, being grafted as project manager onto the girls, and Jadine, a forthright individual who genuinely believed passers-by in Islington bought coffee from a van for the "experience" but at least knew that business wasn't all "biscuits and sandwiches", attached to the boys. Thanks to judicious editing, it became clear that Andy was going to be fired - the narrative was preordained. He was a twat who was keen to tell us he had a beautiful wife and a lovely house, and he looked like Frank Sidebottom without wearing a papier mache head.
I loved it when Gerri, who comes across as Jo Brand's surly younger sister, was appointed "head of van". Sophie, a ruddy-cheeked, blue-eyed quantum physicist for some unfathomable reason, was sent to buy too much stock (what? a hundred-thousand gallons of milk and a million Nutri-grain bars? - that sounds too much), but at least she bought the right stuff, which Jadine and co didn't. They weren't "coffee experts" though, and you really have to be to know the difference in a cash-and-carry between coffee for caffitieres and coffee that's not for fucking caffitieres. Jadine's back-up plan: to flog the unusable coffee. "I love it," said Paul instead of yes, who I'd certainly guessed was an ex-army lieutenant from the moment he opened his mouth. In the event, both teams ended up flogging stock off (two litres of milk for 50p, or four for a pahnd, but they come in this handy shrink-wrap bag), in that barrow-boy desperation that is always the candidates' default setting on The Apprentice. Eclipse, with their sprinkle logo, made more money at the end of the day, despite Jadine splitting up Tre and Simon (who are one letter away from being a comedy double act) because they were selling too much coffee, but stirring it for customers. Jadine herself was the stirrer. Andy was a truly useless leader, not ansering his batphone, overdressed for street trading, and recalling the van at eleven o'clock because Gerri and Naomi had only sold eleven coffees next to a cafe that sold them for 70p less. (When Gerri proudly reminded us of this figure in the boardroom, Nick came out of his box and said, sarcastically, "Oh well done." Yow!)
"The mistake I made," said Sophie, defending her corner in the boardroom, "was not realising that milk froths." (What do quantum physicists drink? And isn't frothing physics? And aren't physicists supposed to be clever?)
It's great to have it back. These people should be shot, but I'm glad that they're made to do this instead for 12 weeks. Andy was the right man for the taxi, and although you had to feel slightly sorry for him having his dream popped so soon ("We work until we bleed"), and so decisively, at least he was going back to a beautiful wife and a lovely home, and surely he could have his old job back after just a week away? Actually, I don't feel sorry for him. Seeing him kissing and patting the girls and calling them "sweetheart" made my tummy feel funny. Siralan was his usual bearlike self, lit queasy green by the fake conference table, mangling the English language for England ("Nilly willy"?), but I'm looking forward to hearing Gazal, Lohit, Katie and Rory speak in future weeks, and more withering remarks from Nick please!
posted by Andrew Collins @ 11:27 PM
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19 Comments:
Don’t you think that there is something quite satisfying about seeing these people with their big suits and bigger egos getting a good dressing down and then being unceremoniously fired by Sir Alan?
I like the way they all seem to promise to give 110%, unless they take a dislike to their team leader which is often the case. I wouldn't dream of second guessing Sir Alan but I can't imagine him giving the top job to any of the really posh boys.
I did feel a bit sorry for Andy. As he didn't even want to be one of the project managers in the first place - it became obvious very quickly why he wasn't keen. He was shit though...
I would've been happy to see Jadine go as well actually - what am I saying? I'm the same as you Andrew, I hate them all!
I did enjoy S'ralan's smirky bit of theatre as he switched the leaders about. It's good to have the bread-roll-faced curmudgeon back.
What exactly has Alan Sugar done? If I understand correctly his current wealth derives mostly from property investment. His last product was a wide-of-the-mark device that allowed users to send emails.... from a home telephone. "Immobile Computing".
I think he's a bully. I also thinkk he is not nearly as successful as the fawning and sycophantic behaviour that follows his every utterance would suggest.
I feel sorry that the participants believe they can achieve their career ambitions by allowing themselves be humiliated in this way. I'm reminded of the six phases of a project
1. Exualtion
2. Confusion
3. Disillusionment
4. Search for the Guilty
5. Punish the Innocent
6. Distinction for the Uninvolved
... not a big fan of reality TV mainly because it's not very real is it ?
Peter, you're right that it's not very real. I certainly don't watch it for that reason. I watch it for entertainment, albeit of the masochistic kind. But the embarrassing desperation and self-belief of the candidates is real. They represent a lingering hangover of the 80s. That entrepreneurial spirit. These 27 year-olds believe that the world not only owes them a living, but that fame and/or fortune are their entitlement, just because they work hard and are "dynamic".
I actually don't care how Siralan made his money - he's just a great TV creation. A bully, yes, but these idiots put themselves up for it. They are all asking for it.
Did anyone else notice SAS's post series 2 climbdown, that this time he won't be swayed by tough-luck back-stories - presumambly after the spectacular implosion of last year's climactic "nice tits, shame about your home life" moment when whatsername buggered off after just a month?
I have to agree, this is a pretty faceless bunch. Who do you remember? Andy "the new Paul", cuddly rabbit-in-headlights half-wit salesman who I say was cut off in his prime. Sophie the rocket scientist who can't do sums. "Tray" the Craigdavidalike whose catchphrase is clearly going to become "if you talk to me like dat I'm just f***ing walking away (reeeeewind)". Gerri the girl-mountain I instinctively sense is a nasty piece of work. And for all the worst reasons, since it means she's already succeeded in her mission, psycho Jadine. Most patently desperate media wannabe, fully self-focussed and perpetrator of arch-irrelevance the coffee shakes stencil and the episode's two most terrifying moments - the "birthday song", and the truly spine-chilling Tray put-down "are you going to stop talking .... you're still doing it (even though he wasn't) ... you're still doing it ..."
Don't let her near the big cutlery, guys.....
It was fairly obvious from the start that Andy was on a hiding to nothing and would be on his way home in the cab by the end of the episode. No sympathy from me for Andy though - if he didn't want to be leader, why did he put his name forward in the first place then? Having put his name forward in front of the other alpha-males, he then made a desperate begging attempt (behind closed doors) to get the other fellow to take the job, only for the alpha males to give him the job anyway. His blithering to the camera about "having worked hard all his life" and "I deserve this chance", was, quite frankly, very sad. "Working til we bleed" - uh? Watching so called business "experts" attempt to work out stock, sales and location, and competely cock it up, is surely the funniest thing on telly. The Coffee Chap said "A good coffee maker can make 80-100 cups an hour". So the Apprentices immediately base their projections on making 100 cups an hour for the REST OF THE DAY!! And who can possibly think you can need 200 litres of milk for one day? And who sites their coffee van in a greasy sppon paradise, or opposite Starbucks? The list of non-common sensical decisions just goes on and on. The Apprentice is a fascinating programme which makes compelling viewing. The fact that these people are the so called business leaders of the future scares me sh*tless though....
Shoot me down in flames, but I rather like Sir Al. The payoff line in this piece (sorry, can't do fancy hyperlinks!) is glorious!
http://entertainment.timesonline.co.
uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/tv_and
_radio/article1543043.ece
Tim - you make a good point.
"The list of non-common sensical decisions just goes on and on."
"The fact that these people are the so called business leaders of the future scares me sh*tless though.... "
British business is already not in the best of health due to a number of factors. A future with these people "leading" it is not going to alleviate matters.
Andy was a complete fool. Everyone could smell the desperation, so they made his sacking happen. Hurrah!
Another great series unfolds.
Amstrad currently make most of their money manufacturing Sky Plus boxes, so a lot of you will have Sir Sugar's wares in your very own homes...
I love The Apprentice for the very reasons people tend to hate it. It's cruel, it's full of bullshit corporate talk and Sir Alan Sugar is not what he is portrayed to be - it all combines to make excellent television.
I'm missing your football criticisms since the World Cup, Andrew - do I have to wait till Euro 2008 for the next batch?
I'm afraid so, Swineshead. Two year gaps. As I've said before, my head is so full of stuff, banging around, I couldn't possibly squeeze in an ongoing interest in football! I already wake up in the morning battling to file everything that's in there, and unable to nod back off to sleep. Football is a luxury.
My favourite line: "Life isn't all sandwiches and biscuits" What the hell did that mean?
And what was Andy's speech about working till they bled all about?
It's great entertainment because they are all such dicks.
Great to have your Apprentice commentaries back Andrew. That was a great epiosde - we've got some right plonkers in the teams this year, same as always. Look forward to some more of them arsing up in the near future.
What amazes me is that, if they're so amazing at business, ruthless, 110%, etc. surely earning £100k a year shouldn't be that much of an challenge for them in this day and age? And if they're such dynamic young tarzans, shouldn't it be their idea of Job Hell to be tied to a 9-5 routine working for The Man if they win? It must be the publicity they're after - but what a risk, if they poop things up and get fired infront of the nation, like Andy did. Whoops!
I think I like it because it proves that even the "cream of today's new business talent" (or however they phrased it) make blindingly obvious tit-ups like everyone else; and take an hour just to decide on a team name. We're all the same, at the end of the day.
I'm driven, focused, passionate, dynamic, 110%, etc, etc.
As usual, the opening programme was filled with the sort of puffed-up cliches that, in the same dosage outside the business world, would get your head flushed down the loo and your dinner money stolen. They build themselves up, they knock themselves down.
I've found the programme even more entertaining since Charlie Brooker compared Siralan to Mrs Tiggywinkle.
Be warned Andrew: if you wait until Euro 2008, you may have to learn the names of the Northern Ireland and Scottish squads and unlearn England's as they might not get to the promised land/s that are Austria and Switzerland!
Glen, I would happily support either of those teams if England screw it up. Especially now Ian Paisley and Gerry Adams are talking!
I think I've said this before but the real "business leaders of the future" (whatever one of them is) are out there doing it right now. The people who go on The Apprentice are the same sort of dickheads who want to be MPs. Which is to say they're the sort of people who are (and always have been) running the country.
I would never claim to be a quantum physicist but I studied physics and I've never drunk a frothy coffee in my life. Maybe it's a trait. And to be fair to Sophie, she admitted her mistake and suggested herself that a scientist should have known that. I reckon she just misunderstood all this 110% stuff.
Katie had two bits to camera in the You're Fired show, incidentally. She's a Global Brand Consultant. (That's Foreign Secretary in a parallel universe.)
Andrew Collins said,
'They are all asking for it.'
Isn't that a line from the Airplane sequel?
I can't watch that programme, I absolutely despise with every thread of my being what all those people represent.
I was taking some pictures at Liverpool St station last night, and the place was swarming with them.
Apparently photography isn't allowed at railway stations without permission any more, nor in spittlefields market, so I found out last night. I expect it won't be too long before I need a permit to use the M1.
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