Footfall
The Apprentice: it's cutting off the block!
Who writes this programme? William Burroughs? What on earth was Jadine on about when she spoke of cutting off the block? I can't even recall the context! And what's a "footfall", Naomi? (I hope you all pronounced that "Ny-omi" in line with Siralan.) I can just about handle the testosterone-soaked exclamations ("Face painting: bring it on!" barked Sophie the quantum physisist, unecessarily), but the continual deconstruction of the English language is killing me. If you're going to talk in idioms and cliches, at least practice them. This week was bound to be a letdown after last week's bloodbath. And it was. The simplicity of Siralan just peeling off two hundred nicker for each team was admirable, but the outcome, over one sad day in the second wealthiest borough in the country, was quite dull. It was pleasing to see Stealth take so long to actually elect a project manager, true to gender form (frankly, nobody wanted to do it - how very different from Eclipse, who were a sea of eager male hands). It was also good to see the traditional schisms developing around lunchtime, as the various factions on footfall and in-car bellowed into the Star Trek communication devices. Jadine got up posh team leader Naomi's nose by saying something "thirty thousand times" apparently. "I do not speak the most. I do not speak the most," was Jadine's persuasive response. Naomi loves the weatherbeaten Kristina. She loves her. She keeps saying, "I've worked with her before." Yes, the others were with you at the time. Meanwhile, Katie, transplanted to the boys' team, loves Paul. Paul loves her. She clearly doesn't require a chin in a man.
So, while Stealth decided to clean up by painting the faces of ten children during termtime, Eclipse became gardeners, imagining that they could a) mow lawns in the rain, and b) do a garden in Richmond in 30 minutes flat. Clearly none of them ever helped their dad in the garden when they were growing up - perhaps they were all too busy standing in from of the mirror saying things like, "I've got nothing left to learn." (Thanks, Tre. If only you were as useful as your wooden namesake.) It was a hoot seeing Tre wield a rented chainsaw, and Paul mistaking a weed for a rose bush. The woman who let these clowns loose on her garden was hilarious: "{to camera) He's wrapping the weed round the tree, isn't he? Yes. (to Paul) That's the weed you've wrapped round the tree!" Paul's defence? "There's a very thin line between weeds and wildflowers." Yes, and there's a very thin line between a gardener and a twat who doesn't know how to garden. Still, at least they were failing to get this lot done during the hours of daylight. I wonder why they had no takers for sweeping leaves off people's drives in the dark? In less wealthy boroughs, they'd be lucky if anyone answered their front door at night.
The girls were reduced to selling kisses and hugs for a quid in some pubs in the evening. Now that's how the venture capitalists all do it. I could barely watch. Jadine, for the record, was not comfortable being either a prostitute or a pimp. Good for her. Ghazal couldn't wait to put her superfly hat on. Natalie and Kristina did the kissing. (Kristina's a single mum - how proud her son or daughter will be.) Surely they could have got more money by flashing their tits? I'm sorry, but if they're going to reduce themselves to selling their bodies, there's more cash to be made in this area. One old bloke touched Natalie's bottom, but I don't think they charged him extra. The boys just sang for money. It was appalling, and proves how generous drunks will be if there's a TV crew around. I would have liked to have seen both teams simply begging on the pavement. Some of the tramps in London are on 300 quid a day according to the Evening Standard.
I was looking forward to seeing Paul DJ-ing in a wine bar using nothing more than a wheelbarrow and a clogged-up lawnmower, but alas, nobody seemed to want him to. Still, he got to dance with his beloved Katie at a club in Soho where George Clooney apparently goes, as the boys won. The girls made 65 quid profit, the boys almost doubled their money. The girls blamed "location" for their failure to find that elusive eleventh child's face to paint as a tiger, which meant the finger pointed at Gerri, who's been here before. (Actually, she's so shit at locations, I'm surprised she found Siralan's office from the reception area. I could see her still driving around in the 4x4 looking for it.)
Gerri got the boot, and was driven to a much more suitable location: where she'd come from. She shook Naomi's hand. She gave Jadine a hug. But no money changed hands, I don't know why.
I'm a bit worried about Adam's skin. It seems to flare up when he's under pressure. He's a "sapper" according to Katie. Maybe all the bullshit he saps from those around him erupts out of his forehead. What fascinating creatures they all are. And who is Lohit?
posted by Andrew Collins @ 11:15 PM
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My son attempted to defend these clowns on the grounds that they're young and inexperienced. I think the problem with all of them is that they aren't prepared to show just how young and inexperienced they are. I watched the first series religiously and since then I've not really been able to take it. Is it just me or has the amount of profanity significantly increased lately? I love the way siralan airily billed the club as "one of these Madonna-George Clooney places".
I just love the fact that he is supposed to molding them and they are actually getting more incompetent as the series goes on.
It's obvious these guys were not picked for their business acumen but for their David Brent style delusions of grandeur. Thank God for Jadine and Tre. The show would be lost without them.
Is Lohit the extra employed to make up the background in the boy's team ? I've not heard him say a word yet.
I'm a bit baffled by Jadine's methods. She has already been in the front line and survived Tre in the first week so why doesn't she just hide in the shadows and try to impress "Margot and Gerry" (as Chris Hawkins called them this morning!) as a team member until the crunch weeks? My guess is she won't because she can't.
Also, does Tre really think that Sralan (or indeed anybody) would employ someone to represent their business who swears so much and so aggressively? Sorry... I forgot - he's perfect isn't he - nothing to learn!
I'm actually starting to feel a bit sorry I've not watched this.
I got into the US Apprentice years ago and found Alan Sugar's first series less impressive (plus he constantly reminds me of a cross between Del Trotter and one of those slightly sinister blokes selling fake Rolex's outside Camden market) and haven't watched it since.
Having read your review though, I have a feeling I may have quit too soon. Or maybe not...
The US Apprentice has gone off the boil quite dramatically in the last two seasons. Perhaps there's only so many grasping, vain, self-obsessed, arse-licking, future monsters of industry we can take?
I've just read that Kurt Vonnegut has died...
It wasn't a great episode of The Apprentice, although I didn't see that sacking coming.
The main thing that struck me was how Paul is a grotesque combination of Major James Hewitt, Jimmy Carr, and Tory Boy.
In Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, the "Two Minutes Hate" is a short film, shown to all Party members in Oceania, in which the Party's enemies, and in particular the figure of Emmanuel Goldstein, are depicted as odious villains, for the purposes of generating a short sustained burst of extreme hate from the loyal citizens. Meanwhile, in The Apprentice, we are presented with the outrageous machinations of a group of hateful cartoon fuckwits, the only human response to which can be to jeer, laugh, shout abuse and generally work ourselves up into a frenzy of mocking indignation.
Viewed through Orwell's prism, The Apprentice emerges as a device by which the authorities can channel our contempt and disgust for the failures and excesses of our consumer/capitalist society against a carefuly selected set of borderline fictional characters, allowing us to feel that it is in fact these fatuous goons who are the problem, rather than those who wield the power in the real system. And as with Orwell's fictionalised version, this cathartic hate must be absorbed, and the energy redirected into a positive love of the current order.
"The Hate rose to a climax. The voice of Goldstein had become an actual sheep's bleat, and for an instant the face changed into that of a sheep. ... But in the same moment, drawing a deep sigh of relief from everybody, the hostile figure melted into the face of Big Brother, ... full of power and mysterious calm, and so vast that it almost filled up the screen."
On Lohit - considering the editing tries to exaggerate them all I guess he's been cast as the 'mysterious one'; probably keeps people watching. I suppose cliched jargon is used by people who can't really think - not brimming with ideas are they. Mind you I thought blitz-gardening wasn't bad and thought the man in the shop was a bit patronising - I'm sure there are lots of people with gardens who don't have gardeners, are as ignorant as the contestants and would go for a quick trim. Then again I thought the eclipse motif on the coffee was a good idea. I'd be useless.
The whole thing was sheer madness - who in their right mind would think that it is possible to clear up gardens in the space of half an hour and make decent money? These people have never owned a garden or helped out their Dad of a weekend. And the face painting? If someone dressed up like a drunk clown walked up to my children and asked if they wanted their face painted, I would call the police. And whose idea was it to "target schools"? Can you imagine this bunch of chinless wonders wandering in unannounced and uninvited to a classroom in the middle of a lesson, babbling on about painting the kids faces? Madness.
Ironically Tre actually touched on what would have been a good idea - shoe shining - quick turnaround, easy to do, £5 a go and highly mobile. His insanity was underlined though when he stuck to the idea of sweeping drives at night. Mind you, he clearly does have nothing more to learn.
The latest batch of Apprentices who thought mild prostitution would be a good idea, had clearly not bothered watching the last series, when ex-Raf posh-Scot Karen was booted off for trying to get fruit sellers to give her produce for nothing more than a kiss and a quick feel (well, the former anyway). Siralan went ballistic if memory serves me right and booted her off without blinking.
That said, this series is proving to be magnificent. Roll on next week...
On Radio 5 this morning, Gerri revealed that they were given a long list of services from which to choose, each with rules, conditions and risk assessments attached. Not like the young Siralan then.
Relatively speaking, I quite liked Gerri. She wasn't sacked for "location" issues but for not getting her claws out on the other two in the boardroom. Nothing competed with the jacket/tie removing incident from last week (from which I still haven't recovered), but this would have been put right if we'd got to see Tre "beatbox". Could this be a novelty tie-in single in the making? "Nothing To Learn - Ibiza remix"?
What a happy coincidence that Sir Alan should randomly swap Katie across to the team with her boyfriend in it. Poor old Adam: I presume by "sapper" Katie meant "gooseberry".
Dave
I honestly didn't know what footfall was - I'd seen it listed as an early del amitri demo, but from dictionary.co.uk
footfall:
noun {C} LITERARY
the sound of a person's foot hitting the ground as they walk:
- I heard echoing footfalls in the corridor.
machine levine
Not sure if you'd be interested but there is a great Apprentice thread over at LowCulture http://lowculture.proboards34.com/index.cgi?board=tv&action=display&thread=1174060180
Footfall is basically the number of customers passing through your shop, isn't it? Passing trade. That kind of thing. Maybe not.
On a completely off-topic note, Arctic Monkeys were on my favourite French music show Taratata tonight and they were blistering. Brianstorm, The Strokes' Take It Or Leave It, and an uncensored Do Me A Favour, plus an entertaining if not very enlightening interview. It's funny how some songs (Kaiser Chiefs' Ruby for example) really fall apart on shows like this, while others, like Brianstorm, really come together.
Talking of things French, BBC4 apparently are repeating Engrenages (Spiral) in readiness for the second season, but according to canal plus the 'deuxieme saison' has not been shown yet, quoi?
Anyway Dave how do you get Taratata? do you have a french card for your satellite or something? I've contemplated doing that to a) refresh my knowledge of the language and b) watch le championnat (one sided as it is), I still hold Gerard Houllier in much regard, and rate Lyon even though they succumbed to Roma this year.
Anonymous, I have a motorised satellite dish and a free-to-air digital receiver. France 2,3,4,5, LCP, and Arte are available FTA from the Atlantic Bird 3 satellite at 5 degrees West.
Last night's show appears to be viewable on-line at www.taratata.net (it's the one at the top of the page with the Don Imus lookalike). Arctic Monkeys were on about 42 minutes in. I can't vouch for the quality (or the ability to skip forwards) as I don't have broadband. Sadly the other acts were poor but Mademoiselle K's leather trousers are worth a look, if I might be so boldly sexist.
It might be a meaningless statistic but Favourite Worst Nightmare was number 52 on amazon.fr last night and number 10 this afternoon.
I thought Siralan was a character in Blakes 7 ?
I don't feel i'm missing out much with this reality show. It looks and sounds like Fry and Laurie's attempt at comedy sketches parodying Big Business but less realistic and a bit more funnier.
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