Ideation
The Apprentice: it's psychotic
Un-fucking-believable. Only show two and we've already hit a new nadir - and a new, through-the-fingers entertainment peak. We are all going to hell. If these 15 people are among the finest business brains in the country (and I'm already starting to suspect that they are not), we may as well just let the Chinese in now and put our hands up. If ever there were 15 people who proved that everything went wrong in this country in the 80s, it is this shower. Charged with a simple enough sounding task, albeit one with a built-in trap - design something for thirty quid for dog owners, run up a prototype and pitch it to superchain Pets At Home, Harrods and boutique-for-cunts Pets In The City - Eclipse and Stealth proceeded to go to pieces before our eyes, in both cases split down the middle and grasping for either leadership or inspiration.
Katie led the ladies, filling the bullshit vacuum left by Andy by starting the first session off with the word "ideation". Let's just pause for a few seconds and take that word in. Savour it, like a fine wine. Ideation. I'm guessing this is something about throwing ideas around. Isn't it time to start rounding these people up and shipping them off to the salt mines? We could start with anyone who has ever said the word "ideation". Pertinently, the team's ideas were useless, ranging from a dog nappy to a dog-operated fan. (By the way, I suspect that not one of these 15 people owns a dog. They all seemed to have zero empathy for dog owners, and a deep, stereotypical antipathy towards them, which came out most clearly when Eclipse were pitching to the daft dog boutique and Kristina who did the pitch actually patronised posh ladies who have chiuahahas at the posh lady with a chiuahaha who ran the company.) "I'm going to ask you to drop the nappy," said a decisive Katie to Natalie, before plumping for the Doggy Closet, for all your tiny wardrobe needs. They sold none to Harrod's or the chiuahaha lady, but an astounding 2,000 "units" to Pets At Home. This won them the task, despite Katie having the gall to describes some of her team as "door-openers" in front of Siralan (who had set up the three contacts for them - ie. actually opened the doors - unless she actually meant they were in charge of opening doors), and Ghazal doing the now-traditional mid-pitch freeze - or, as she excused it, a pitch that was much shorter in length than the one she had planned. Again, what is someone like this doing on this programme? (They weren't chosen for how good they were, were they? They were chosen for comedy value, weren't they?)
Talking of which, Eclipse - whose name Jadine is clearly obsessed with, last week sprinkling it on unsold coffees, this week painfully trying to work in clips to the reviled Pooch Pouch in order to create a marketing and branding opportunity: Eclipse Clips, geddit? - were saddled with Rory as team leader, a man I am convinced is mentally ill and needs professional help. (No chance of anything professional from this team, I'm afraid.) One of two chinless wonders on the team, the other being Warrant Officer Paul, Rory proved that being a double-bankrupt does not make you a loser. Except it does. I repeat his opening salvo in full, as this was the point at which I began to worry that he might actually have a breakdown on camera. In the film, he'd be played by Rufus Sewell, and the critics would accuse him of overacting:
"Discipline is something I go fucking crazy for. If you're over-talking, saying 'Just this', 'Can I just that?', the rest of it, I will send you out. OK? I won't have it. OK? It really pisses me off. Can we please try and stop swearing. OK? It's just horrible to listen to. OK? And another thing, if you're going to do brainstorming, all that kind of stuff, take your jackets off. Please. Take your jackets off. Jackets off. And if you can do it without getting into troubles, can you take off your ties as well."
As a professional scriptwriter, may I say: you couldn't write this stuff.
Tre, who is possibly the only male candidate with a personality, took against Rory from the off. Had he been the one who'd come up with breakaway product the Hair Collecting Blanket, there would have been a fist fight. As it was, while Simon's focus group team spent two and a half hours collecting feedback from some doggy dancers (does anyone actually love their dog?) and delivering the decisive research too late (Pooch Pouch: no takers; Blanket: resounding support), Rory was back at the flipchart rejecting all ideation but his own - what Siralan described as a "Rambo belt". And trying to make Tre go and sit in the corner, like a bad dog, naughty dog, which, being an adult male, he gently refused to do. Couplet of the series so far:
Rory: "I am your boss."
Tre: "You're nothing to me."
Eclipse were the masters of no-fucking-ideation. Rory, as the camera operator spotted, wears Moet Et Chandon cufflinks. I hope they're worth something, as he will go bankrupt again, if he doesn't run amok in the City with an automatic rifle in the meantime. (I suspect his parents might lend him a fiver, actually.) And as if this power struggle wasn't gripping enough, there was Ifti, the oldest of the bunch at 36, a Tae Kwon Do champion and former policeman from Egham, Surrey. What a fascinating backstory. Alas, we will never learn any more about Ifti, who by the way has a son, as he seemed to give up before the task had begun. He has a degree in product design, in common with most policemen, and yet chose not to tell his team, as he didn't "feel up to it." Jadine kept commendably calm back at the house, with her hair in a towel, and said, "You've got a degree in product design and I think that's really key when we're designing a product." You couldn't argue with that. Ifti just sighed, a broken reed, a self-firing man. He was missing his son. After all, he was all the way back in Surrey and they were in London. Siralan genuinely appreciate his honesty in the boardroom, and fired him for his own good, like putting down a puppy. And off he went with his black shirt and white tie and eyebrow injury. He's played by Joe Pesci in the film.
Because Eclipse sold a couple of pouches (which, to quote a line from Bauhaus, "no man would want to wear") to Harrod's and Chiuahaha Hats R Us, they felt triumphant, but Pets At Home, who have 120 barns across the country, took none, and Rory was back where he belonged: in the boardroom with Ifti and his nemesis Tre (who was like working with roadworks, apparently). A fool to the left of him, a joker to the right, and his cheeks reddening - where's a dog-operated fan when you need one? The close-to-breakdown Rory had spoken earlier of "killing" two of his teammates in order to survive Siralan. Nice. Which is why he took Ifti in, as a sacrficial idiot. This seemed to work. Then Siralan played his first trump card and fired Rory as well. A double sacking. Maths students had already worked this one out, of course, as 16 contestants into 12 programmes don't go.
As with the sacking of the chinless wonder who'd had cancer in the last series, this was a mercy killing. Rory and Ifit had to go, for different reasons. It was triumphant television, albeit I aged two years while watching it, and now look like Nick.
Still. Happy ending: in the cab, Ifti confirmed that he would be a billionaire by the time he was 50. I hope Mrs Thatcher is proud.
posted by Andrew Collins @ 8:27 AM
2 Comments
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2 Comments:
Simon Dickson said...
Surely Terry Hall to play Rory??
Thu Apr 05, 08:54:00 AM
Gwen said...
I'm afraid that I still haven't felt the urge to watch The Apprentice, but can I just say, Andrew, that I love your review of it - thanks a lot. It's given me a good giggle on a sunny morning and almost makes me want to watch the next episode. I say almost because I have a sneaky suspecion that watching the real thing might be a bit of a let down. Thanks again.
Thu Apr 05, 08:58:00 AM
Px said...
"Shorter than she'd planned"? Didn't it end with the word "er...." before she "handed over" to someone else?
I sincerely hope that these people have been chosen for the benefits of reality television and not because they were truly the most promising of 10,000 applicants. I mean, 1 business with 120 Very Big Shops and 2 businesses with, well, 2 shops - surely it's common sense to go for the 120 Very Big Shops when you're pitching something? Apparently not. Even I can work that out, and I work in an art college. (Come to think of it, we teach Product Design. I wonder if Rory and Ifti are alumni...) As for the lovely Tre, he makes Syed look like a pussy cat.
On a different note, your blog was the perfect thing to read first thing in the morning :-)
Thu Apr 05, 09:34:00 AM
Billy said...
It is compulsive viewing though, and I don't really understand why.
I thought this week's task was more difficult than last week's (which should have been as simple as 'find a good place, sell lots of coffee') but by rights the finest business brains in the country might have done better than completely useless.
Thu Apr 05, 10:07:00 AM
wendell said...
Brilliant piece of writing Mr Collins. I missed the programme, but now feel like I watched every second! I totally agree with you regarding the ideation that we were all fucked in the 80's. This programme - and much of the 90's, truth be told - is about naked ambition over-riding talent. If you want it enough, you don't need to have any skills, just lots of front. Thankfully, some of us slipped through Thatch's net...
Thu Apr 05, 10:20:00 AM
swineshead said...
Tre is the only contestant with a personality? Yikes. If snarling like a seasoned asylum-inmate and generally acting like Kevin the Teenager is evidence of a personality, then maybe!
A great episode this week, but Tre should have gone for the sake of my brain. I think he's a horrible little man.
Jadine to win.
I'm loving the musings on who would play who in the Hollywood versions. Nicolas Cage would play Rory though, surely? I'm thinking the scene from Leaving Las Vegas in the bank. 'I've had brain-surgery'... But who would play Jadine, I wonder? A foxy starlet I'd wager. Jadine to win!*
*I'll regret saying that, I don't doubt.
Thu Apr 05, 10:25:00 AM
swineshead said...
Oops - one other thing...
'Ideation' is a graphic design term used throughout the industry. It's short for 'idea generation'. My missus assures me of this, and she's in the know, working as a Designer for a big, evil record company. It is an ugly word though. Perhaps only Designers should ever use it, and even then only amongst themselves.
Thu Apr 05, 10:29:00 AM
Steve M said...
I don't watch this programme but I'd like to congratulate you on coining the phrase "boutique-for-c***s" - not just a description of Pets in the City, I feel, but a handy catch-all term for all purveyors of branded crap to folk with too much disposable income and not enough grey matter to discern between labels and taste. Marvellous stuff.
Thu Apr 05, 10:32:00 AM
Anonymous said...
All that stuff from Sir Alan about this being the 'best group of candidates' following his displeasure at the standard of series 2 - what has he been smoking?
Not one endears you with their business brain, or their personal character. I would have actually fired all three (or maybe given the lecture to Rory instead of Tre? nah, fire them all).
Have you been approached to appear on the sister show: You're Fired?
Thu Apr 05, 12:32:00 PM
Anonymous said...
Brilliant stuff AC, I am not planning on watching one solitary episode, thanks to your blistering review on a Thursday - it's far more entertaining than the programme could ever be!
Thu Apr 05, 02:05:00 PM
Darren Appanah said...
It amazes me how somebody could become bankrupt twice. Bankruptcy should be a very last resort and to be in such a situation, one would surely learn his lesson the first time. Being somehow related to Dead Diana and Eton educated, he is from an affluent background too. And he’s supposed to be a business success?
Tre is a moron. I got the sense he was undermining Rory’s leadership at every opportunity. Not sure if it was down to the over-regimented public school management style or if he is a ‘hot head’ who needs to be in control all the time. The storming past his competitor at the end without shaking hands or a friendly goodbye was rather hostile.
I also thought the sight of Nick spying on the team in the pet shop was funny. Overdressed and distanced amid the cat food and dog collars, he stood out like a sore thumb, kind of like a dogger might appear.
Thu Apr 05, 03:37:00 PM
Anonymous said...
Andrew - You are hit and miss, there is no doubt about that. However, 'boutique-for-cunts Pets In The City' has to be the funniest line I have ever read. For this alone, keep it up!
Thu Apr 05, 04:05:00 PM
Andrew Collins said...
Thank you for that faint praise, Anon! I will, however, keep it up.
Thu Apr 05, 06:06:00 PM
Simon said...
Haven't felt the same about The App after learning that the secretary that ushered them into the firing room wasn't a secretary but a producer - something snapped for me, suddenly realised, it's a gameshow, for all it's bullshit. Probably will watch it next week though, missed it this week cos I was inspired by the webcam images to do this here, a tribute to Andrew and friends:
http://the-third-blog.blogspot.com/
Hope you don't mind Andrew.
Thu Apr 05, 06:09:00 PM
dave said...
I missed this episode too but that's a fine review, Andrew. And you haven't even had a weekend off yet. The previous episode did rather suggest that the group had been picked for reasons other than their business prowess. Why do producers feel the need to ratchet up the "entertainment" value on shows that are already successful?
The current US series has the losing team having to live in tents. Plus they've had an on-screen "relationship" between two of the contestants. All that and a phone quiz advertised at each commercial break could leave you thinking you're watching just another "reality" game show.
Thu Apr 05, 08:02:00 PM
IanP said...
Thanks for your fantastic review Andrew. In our house we try and guess the heading you will use for your review.
My money was on "NOT ROUND THE WILLY" but you beat me again, keep it up.
Ian
Thu Apr 05, 08:23:00 PM
The Mighty Pierre said...
I guarantee there will be nothing funnier on TV this year than that brainstorming seesion.
If you had tuned in halfway through knowing nothing about it you would assume it was another 'In the Thick of It', 'The Office' style comedy. I was just waiting for one of them to suggest Monkey Tennis.
Incidentlly I have to say 'ideation' a bit in my job in Mental health. Example: 'Rory may well be experiencing suicidal ideation once he realises what a twat he made of himself on last night's show.'
Thu Apr 05, 09:50:00 PM
Paul said...
It was inevitable that Tre would draw comparisons to Syed, but where Syed excelled in self confidence and came across as strangely loveable, Tre is just a little bit too aggresive for my liking. Although he has emerged as the stand out character so far and his duel with Rory was great to watch.
Incidentally, I came across Syed's official website this week and his look of sheer arrogance on the opening page photo made my day! Unfortunately he's now updated the website (new for 2007), and the gallery now contains of poses straight out of Kays Catalogue.
Thu Apr 05, 10:38:00 PM
Rich said...
Rory said he didn't want to come across as ome sort of 'awful autocrat', but surely getting them to take off their jackets and ties was so he could clearly mark himself out as leader?
Sat Apr 07, 09:31:00 AM
I know this blog is already a month and a half old, but I've just watched the Apprentice UK for the 1st time and am checking your reviews, which are great. I've seen the 1st 3 episodes of season 3 and it's amazing. The point when Sir Alan had Tre and Rory head-to-head and said "He is going to make mincemeat of you" was thrilling.
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