10am, Peterborough
The Apprentice: it's nearly all over
Deja vu. It's the not-QVC shopping channel task. I'll tell you one thing, I recall last year's contestants being a lot better. All six this year ranged from simpering to slapstick, and lost Ideal World "tens of thousands of pounds" in an hour (which I'm guessing they wrote off against a 60-minute advert on BBC2 to an audience of about 5 million). I am now convinced that this whole series is a spoof, written by the writers who do The Thick Of It, and performed by brilliantly naturalistic actors - except for Lohit, who's played by a terrible actor. How else would one of them have come up with the following instruction for selling the deluxe fold-up wheelchair: "Get behind it, and push it"? Priceless. Unlike the wheelchair, which came in at 199.99.
Siralan was pretty clear: this was not an audition for TV presenters, it was about choosing products and selling them. However, once you're under the studio lights, it must feel a lot like auditioning to be a TV presenter. (Also, isn't Siralan living proof that being "in business" actually involves knowing how to present yourself for the cameras - just look at him in those set-up scenes where he is watching the contestants make tits of themselves, clearly prompted to say what he's saying, but to look natural.) Anyway, Naomi, Tre and Simon chose badly - the wheelchair ("I don't like a wheelchair," explained Simon, who chose it; "I've just seen a wheelchair, Simon!" trilled Naomi), the frottage set, the mini-trampoline (yes, it's called a Supertramp) and the hand-shaver. Actually, I thought the trampette was an astute choice, but Simon put people off buying it by resting it on his groin while he screwed in the "six simple legs" as if each one was his black cock. "Jesus Christ!" said Kristina, live on air, when she couldn't get the thing to fix to the other thing. She was desperate for the solo slot, and she cocked it up royal. Meanwhile, Katie and Lohit did the big pants. It was a dreary performance, hampered somewhat by the fact that Katie had nothing but contempt for her audience. Not only does she feel that most of the human race are beneath her, she doesn't even mind saying it. This is a true superiority complex. A brand manager, let us not forget, she pictured Ideal World's typical viewer as Mavis, with big boobs, no friends, drool coming out of her mouth, a gammy leg, pigeons in the loft, car on bricks, cat shit on the kitchen floor, bailiffs at the door, benefit cheques bulging out of her scrounger's letterbox and a tumour growing in her lungs. I'm exaggerating slightly.
Both teams did bad. Amazingly, one or two items, including the wheelchair and the thing with the other thing on it, sold, which just goes to show how effective those channels are. (I remember a documentary, years ago, about the setting up of Ideal World and going up against QVC. It was a happy shambles. I also remember thinking: I bet a caption comes up at the end and says Ideal World went under two weeks after going on air. It didn't. Look at it now.) Siralan was not impressed. Nor were the channel's producers, who had to sit by while Simon proved unable to actually speak into a microphone and form words for his teammates. For this alone, he seemed to be cruising for a firing. ("What are you bladdy doing?" Siralan exclaimed.)
His team lost, by a couple of hundred quid. Usual pathetic margin. And these are the final six! I don't blame any of them for being bad at TV presenting (as such!), but their vanity once again got in the way of the task at hand. Katie actually stopped smiling in the boardroom, so humiliated was she by the collective roasting Siralan gave them. Even Tre looked on the verge of shame-faced. It looked as if Simon couldn't save himself, but a spirited defence of his wheelchair strategy (and the fact that his hapless teammates sold two of them) took him out of the firing line. There was a dummy: it looked like he was going to fire Tre for not really wanting a job at Amstrad, but no, how predictable, he went for the pretty girl. Naomi left the boardroom with one hairstyle, left the building with another, and ended up with another in the taxi, as if to prove once and for all that they film the exits from the building in one go at the beginning.
From twelve simple legs, to ten. Next week, my favourite, the one where they get interviewed by three of Siralan's macho male friends. I'm afraid I peeked at a couple of previews on the website. Katie-haters, prepare for a treat.
Episode One
Episode Two
Episode Three
Episode Four
Episode Five
Episode Six
Episode Seven
Episode Eight
Episode Nine
posted by Andrew Collins @ 4:38 PM
19 Comments
Contact
Andrew at
19 Comments:
Last night's was brilliantly dreary. Simon should get his own sitcom - he has echoes of Father Dougal about him.
- What's that Dougal?
- Ah, it's a wheelchair Ted.
- I can see that, why did you buy it?
- Er, I dunno Ted.
It was presumably not necessary for Katie to mention that Mavis was from "up north"!
It's wasn't just her hair that changed on exit; her blouse and skirt did too! She probably did a quick switch in the bogs on her way out.
The most enjoyable element in this show was watching Sir Alan jumping through hoop after hoop in order to concoct a justification for sacking Naomi rather than Simon. Starting from the position that anyone choosing expensive products would be making a mistake, he ended up with Simon being "shrewd" because he'd done precisely that. The only way Simon could get shrewd would be to marry Katie. (Sorry, terrible pun, clumsily executed.)
I suppose that if the programmes really were completely scripted, they'd put in some genuine reasons to sack the person they've decided is going that week. That's one of the few things that makes the performances believable. Still, if Simon freezes in the interviews like he did in the gallery, I suppose he had to stay. That's exactly how I would have been, so I'm not going to mock.
Incidentally, given that dress she was wearing, if Naomi had farted in the boardroom her chest would still have been wobbling when she got to the taxi. How do women manage to bend to sit down in things like that?
I meant skirt, not dress. Surprisingly still single.
Not as good as last series I agree, altough Katie scares me! The one burning question I have is what do they do between tasks? They must spend days alone in that house I presume, but never a mention. They may as well cam it up and do a big brother type of thing between episodes..
AnonoNick
Not an audition for TV presenters?
I think it's pretty clear that for about half the contestants, that's exactly what they think the whole series is.
The whole clothes / hairstyle switching thing does indeed confirm that it is pre filmed. It is my understanding that because Amstrads headquarters look damn right awful (apparently they look like a big warehouse) they film all the exits at the beginning. It looks like they are all instructed to buy a long black coat to hide this fact, but I don’t think Naomi got the message.
The boardroom is also a TV set and is nothing like the boardroom that they have in siralans headquarters.
Still it’s all cracking TV and I was a little surprised to see the gorgeous Naomi leave. I’m wondering if siralan is thinking that his next apprentice might take on some sort of internet / e-commerce role hence why he kept Internet entrepreneur Simon.
It was both the worst yet most amusing boardroom I've ever seen - he tried to have a go at Tre for arguing (when he'd hardly said anything) then spun it out so we knew he wouldn't be firing him, only then to flounder badly, trying to find a reason to fire Naomi - total nonsense.
But bloggingjames has a very good point - if Siralan squirrels the lucky bod away in the empire with an 'internet' type role, they're less likely to get opportunities to get their face on television and make a blahdy fool of him.
I watched that whole episode thinking that Naomi was more or less the only one who would be definitely safe, as she made a real go of it - both in presenting and producing. Perhaps she chose her product a little unwisely, but surely next to the clowning ineptitude of Simon, she was a genius? As Mark Frith said on "You're Fired" on BBC2, never in all of the series so far has one contestant made such a meal of every aspect of the task and survived (he was project manager of the shambles, for heaven's sake!). It was appalling. I don't think Tre is going to win, but siralan was never going to sack him. The only explanation is that he adores Simon, so Naomi had to go. It was a shocking decision - so shocking that it made her oddly shaped eyebrows move in charmingly strange directions as she fought back the tears.
What a total joke. I know siralan has to think about having one of these clowns working for him for 12 months, but if he doesn't at least pretend that the competition is a meritocracy, then he might as well go home. One look at the footage of Simon utterly lost for words in front of the microphone as his presenters floundered should have been enough. Way to handle pressure Simon. I'm sure he'll do well in the interviews too, the bastard.
A word here for Kristina.... I quite like her, but she did rather arrogantly put herself forward for the solo presenting slot and then make an absolute arse end of it. I would hope she felt suitably humbled by that, but I rather fear she thinks she did quite well. She sold two of those stupid mop things, I suppose.
I know it's only a game show, but this week really annoyed me.
Grrr!
ST
Was it just me or did it look like a scene from Star Trek when they were about to be "beamed aboard", when Siralan and his cohorts met on the Post Office Tower (or whatever they are calling in nowadays)? It looked to me like they had all been filmed in front of one of those blue/green CGI screens and then were superimposed into the Tower.
I love the fact that the losing contestant every week apparently exits the building in daylight, only for the camera to cut to them being interviewed in the middle of the night in the back of the cab. What do the losers say to the cabbie each week - "please take me to the nearest station?" - only for the cabbie to say "Sorry Guv/Love, we've got to drive around aimlessly for 5 hours until it gets dark, then you can be interviewed and only then can I take you to the station". Clearly the exits are prefilmed at the start of the series (hence the Clint Eastwood-esque long black coats to disguise their change of clothing each week). Katie won't need a black coat as she only ever wears that bl**dy white suit.
And one other thing while I am it, why does Katie have to come up with a name for her consumer every week? With the trainers task it was some asbo-hoodie called "Jay", who loves music, shop lifting and Fifty Cent. With the not-QVC shopping channel it was an incontinent spinster called Mavis - why, why, why, why, why??? For someone who is allegedly a "Global Brand Consultant", she has an amazing knack of totally misjudging her target audience (and her dress sense).
Undeniably funny watching them squirm, which was obviously the real, real point of the task. I particularly enjoyed Roger Melly's, sorry, Kristina's turn with the Polti Cinderella Jesus Christ Steam Broom - where can I get one? Total exploitation though - in their shoes how tempting would it be to say to a stressed NOTQVC person, 'Did I ask to come to your 24 hour-shopping circle of hell?' (if you'd had this long to think of it). Hard to feel sorry for Katie of course whose pretentiousness was neatly revealed on her way down the studio when she said to Lohit, 'Photos first?'. When corrected she said, 'No I know, pants first.' Show no weakness eh.
After sort of tipping Simon I was surprised by how useless he was at selling Supertramp - I agree it was an astute choice and there's loads of reasons why rebounders are good including the 'fact' they boost the immune system by stimulating the lymphatic system (got one somewhere). I was convinced he was going but it turned out I was shrewd as hell in tipping him and going on the previews of next week I don't think Kristina will be quite sharp enough in the interviews, Lohit macho enough, Tre modest enough and Katie er honest enough. If it is Simon though I admit it's by default (or the fact that he laughs at Srln's jokes) (and I think Andrew sort of tipped him weeks ago). By the way, impressed you can remember last year's equivalent task Andrew, completely gone from my mind.
Wish we could edit our comments... that wasn't a sarcastic remark about last year's equivalent task - I've checked and it seems it was the year before that it was last done. It's even more impressive if you can remember that far back.
I suppose we should let the performances in the tasks solely mould our opinions, but having watched the beyond the boardroom - I have to say I admire Tre more than I have previously. I liked Kristina's enthusiasm, even though she's flogged herself at times to the point of mild prostitution, the determination in her backstory was endearing. Simon is clearly smart, and his affluent background doesn't necessarily mean he shouldn't be considered, it's if he would fit in with Siralan less floury approach, which could be the same argument for Lohit, although he is more methodical than Simon. Still not a fan of Katie even with her background story. How do you handle such a domineering, patronising trollope?
I hope in a sense that the final two are Kristina and Tre, with Simon just missing out.
Oh, and Simon - the equivalent task last year was selling an activity on a cruise ship. The Badger bungled the raffle, but Syed's lack of ideas and fluctuating ability cost him against Ruth's consistency.
Thinking about it were Paul, Ansell, Ruth, Michelle and Syed better than this year's final five? I think one of Paul/Ansell were missed opportunities - although they all made mistakes at least once. I think Paul and Ruth should have been the final two last year.
Ruth did spend too much money on the raffle prize. But Syed failed to keep track of who'd bought each ticket and he suggested excluding the problem tickets from the draw, which would have been fraud. That counted against him, alongside being shit at virtually everything.
Okay. Time for a bit of conspiracy theorising.
Let's say your a posh lad looking down the barrel of a humiliation on national telly. Let's also say that the humiliation might be alleviated if a couple of people buy a wheelchair on a shopping channel tomorrow.
You see a payphone. What do you do...?
i think simon missed a trick not getting naomi to sell the supertramp in a risqué top.
had to be better than watching him strap on his robo-cock
Post a Comment
<< Home