But here's a lovely boat
The Apprentice: it's Simon Time
Boring, wasn't it? My money was on Kristina to the end, even though I don't much like her and her mercenary Kristina Time, and prefer the hapless Simon, if forced to choose, which Siralan ("blahdy old fool") was. Good for him, obviously, to have beaten the stigma of having been to a good school and good univerity and still won The Apprentice, but the last hour was not vintage, by design. Bringing back some of the fired candidates (no Andy, no Ifti, no Dr Sophie, no Katie) must have seemed like a crowd-pleaser again, but there's no dynamic, nothing at stake. So what if Tre and Rory still don't get on? ("You're still nothing to me." "I'm still a horse-faced twat.") Adam summed it up when he admitted that he didn't give "a fuck" who won. Why should he? (Did you see them all sniggering behind his back like children when he sketched out his hot air balloon building idea?) Boring task: design a building. Simon's was like a vibrator. Kristina's was like a building that had sagged in the heat. Both looked remarkably good once computer-animated, sweeping down the Thames, which just goes to show why so many horrible buildings get signed off and built. Siralan quite liked both buildings and both presentations and both candidates. Where's the fun in that?
A great series, the best for sheer masochistic entertainment. But perhaps even more acutely than in the previous two series, we've all the seen the cracks in the "reality" of the process: the continuity errors, the opportunistic and manipulative editing, the reaction-shot cutaways, the to-camera pieces that actually came across as pre-scripted, certainly pre-prepared, like the "funny" answers on Blind Date. These deceptions are not a crime. Treat it as a continuing 12-week primetime drama about ambitious but clueless idiots, and it's unbeatable.
Episode One
Episode Two
Episode Three
Episode Four
Episode Five
Episode Six
Episode Seven
Episode Eight
Episode Nine
Episode Ten
Episode Eleven
posted by Andrew Collins @ 9:29 AM
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21 Comments:
Very entertaining series and my money was on a Katie/Kristina final from about the third week, then when katie dropped out I would have bet my mortgage on Kristina. The last episode summed it up, Simon went off with an insane idea and left his team, his design was by luck not judgement. Kristina approached it likle a 'manager' she made sound descisions (bounced out the brothel room) and listened to her team. Solid management skills that she showed for nearly the whole series. Bad mistake siralan!!
AnonoNick
I actually felt really sorry for Kristina, who clearly was desperate for the job. Simon just looked perplexed when the decision was announced (interesting to see the "alternative" reaction in the board room of Simon on "You're Fired" which was obviously re-filmed after the original was done). Kristina was also very dignified when confronted with the repulsive Katie on the BBC2 show ("I just feel sorry for her"), but alas no Michelle Mone to continue face punching the "pantomime villain". The sooner Katie crawls off to her rock the better.
The two buildings were quite frankly appalling, and in the same vein as the equalling awful "Gherkin" building in the City (a carbunkle if ever I saw one). How on earth do normal people think these strange shaped buildings represent good design? Give me the old Royal Baltic Exchange building over the preposterous Gherkin any day of the week. No doubt the new golf and hotel design will be handled well by Simon, but I bet he wasn't expecting to have to train and take the Chartered Surveyor exams before he takes up the job?!
The other candidates were out of order sniggering behind Adam's back, almost as though they felt intellectually superior. But Rory came across slightly better in this show, despite him being physically scared of Tre. the scene with Tre slating him in the people carrier was almost uncomfortable - many people would have ended up lamping Tre for what he said, but Rory just sat there looking frightened.
And was it just me, but did Sralan seem to have stopped using the Grecian 2000, on the "You're Hired" show afterwards? He suddenly looked very grey (almost white). No doubt he will be telling his hairdresser - "you're fired!" for that.
Ahem.
The final task was a little dull but clearly siralan had decided the apprentice would be working in real estate so he wanted to see how they would fair with such a subject.
Agreed that the return of the previous contestants missed some of the key members. Shame
Am I the only one who found this series rather boring? The contestants were all just so hideous, but maybe that was the point? I knew Simon would win. Sugar was hardly going to pick another woman after what happened last year.
I have a horrible feeling that Katie, like that horrible lump Jade, will be around to haunt us for years. What a country, we just love celebrity for any reason. Jade is now a millionaire for nothing else except being thick, Katie will make a shedload for being a witch. It's a horrible value system we have, young people no longer vote, but they buy the Hello and Chat type magazines by the bucket and exist on reality TV.
AnonoNick
The series was full of highlights but the final wasn't one of them. As you rightly say, the editing has been transparent. I had a hunch that the chap who looks like a slow-learner version of Richard Hammond might win after SAS jumped through such hoops to justify not firing him after the infamous trampoline manipulation scene. And I was glad to see that Katie was brought back so we could get the satisfaction of seeing her come-upance in Your Fired. Whoever edited the last boardroom scene all those months ago clearly didn't realise how much we would all want to see her humiliated by the time that episode was shown.
Katie will be around for years simply because the only way she'll ever make a living after making such a complete tit of herself is through the media, being a "professional celebrity". I read that she has already been fired from her real job (NOT earning £90,000 a year, according to the BBC), and who else will employ her now? I almost feel sorry for her, except I have a feeling she'll make more money after all that than she did before.
I was amazed that Simon won. I agree both buildings looked a bit daft, but his looked daft AND phallic (actually I quite liked the other one...) Much as I didn't like Kristina to start with, I really felt sorry for her, because she clearly wanted the job and expected she would win (as did the rest of us!)
Px
Now you mention it probably was boring but I didn't really notice, possibly because earlier on I'd seen two minutes of Celebrity Masterchef (fuckinell that's what masochists should be watching). I actually got nervous at decision time (Apprentice not Masterchef), despite its meaninglessness. It was disappointing though to be denied a flashy film of a huge boat-building with fish-tank sides and massive propellers - better for "propelling London into a new era", surely; extraordinary to think that Simon would've been happy to drift along with that plan. Kristina on the other hand was much more organised and grown-up, at the expense of any creativity - would that matter? How can you really know who'll win when there's any number of different jobs available? (Although I knew he might win.) The presentation bit strongly favoured Simon, as did, probably, middle-class Nick and Margaret.
Other random observations from this episode and the series: the Wave building reminded me of mouldable wax era-plugs after use; Simon and Kristina should not have had a massive car each but shared - does travelling 'business-class' mean 'as ignorantly and wastefully as possible'; liked the friendship between Jadine and Lohit (in the sky with diamonds); liked Natalie the most; the manipulation is obviously unnecessary... one of my favourite bits was simply Naomi - who had a habit of using the wrong word, eg: foolhardy for foolproof - saying, 'hold the shaver against the ski, sorry, skin' (a regular on the slopes no doubt); biggest mystery - why Srln put Katie through to the final when he apparently already thought she was "there for the wrong reasons"; should've put money on Simon. I'll stop now or this'll be longer than Andrew's review.
Funny you should mention Celebrity Masterchef, Simon - I am totally hooked. Here are some celebs actually being called upon to do something, and if they can't do it, they're out. Perhaps a little gimmicky after the original format, but it makes you see certain celebs in a new light.
Agreed, I'm loving Celebrity Masterchef - I'm even watching the repeats of the last series on UK TV Food!!
Nothing wrong with Celebrity Masterchef and Katie is gracing 8 Out Of 10 Cats with her presence as I type this - the media takeover starts now.
Well, I only saw the two minutes... it was those two judges that put me off, bollocking on as they would in the regular series where it seems more fitting. No doubt if I gave it another chance I'd end up watching it all. Anyway I can see why you would be drawn to it Andrew (how drawn I wonder...)
Oh, I meant ear-plugs not era-plugs which I've never heard of but could pass as a brilliant pun I suppose.
I realised Simon was going to win when Sir Alan told Kristina she was lucky to have had Paul (presumably for his massive rectangular box idea) but appeared to credit Simon for what was, in fact, Rory's design idea. But of course Rory got full credit/ridicule for the dancing girls, whose performance actually worked quite well, I thought. (But then I liked Dancing On Ice, a show where celebs actually have to do something dangerous on live TV.)
I felt sorry for Rory. Clearly he's not cut out for the business world (and possibly not the real world either) but he's more of an ideas man than Simon will ever be. And Tre is a knob. Was it just me or did Simon and Tre's "boat" design look like the fundamental part of a lavatory?
Two good bits: Rory's "Aren't women brilliant?!" speech and Tre getting a semi on at the Aquarium over its amazing "watery theme." I'm fairly sure his ideal floating building would actually have resembled a 900 foot Tre walking on water. They should have visited Hull's The Deep aquarium: it's vaguely ship shaped and doesn't look like a shitter.
We learnt from You're Hired that Sir Alan was very impressed by Simon's presentation and the way he handled the audience. Presumably the two presentations were made to look roughly equal (with Simon's marginally having the edge - thanks Rory) in order to keep us guessing. That's pretty much the fundamental problem with the show: the choice of who goes each week is based on stuff we don't see (often just the contestants' CVs it would seem). It's to the programme's detriment that the winner is someone who, on the basis of what we've seen, was fairly consistently a poor performer. Who could agree that the Simon we've been shown is someone who can see over the horizon?
Simon only got anywhere near the horizon because he was standing on Tre's shoulders.
The resolution is always the least interesting part of The Apprentice because it exposes the fact that the premise of the show is flawed. To wit, you can't be fired before you've got a job. And while Alan Sugar and his people are clearly shrewd judges of employees, nobody with any pretensions to ambition would really want to labour in his empire. The most interesting bit is the beginning because it proves that, despite everything they tell you, first impressions are massively important and you can spot the leaders and the clowns straightaway.
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The Katie media launch has already begun with her appearance on 8 Out Of 10 Cats on Friday. Judging by her lacklustre, clueless performance I don't think we need worry about her possessing any kind of showbiz longevity...
You might be able to spot the leaders and the clowns in the first episode, but you don't expect one of the clowns to win. At least Sir Alan acknowledged that Simon was not a leader of men.
I don't actually care about Simon winning incidentally, it's just that I think it puts the cap on what has been a fairly dodgy series. There are two different agendas on this show: the programme makers want entertainment and no obvious loser each week; Sir Alan genuinely appears to want to be left with the best candidate. Inevitably reconciling these two can result in decisions that look odd to us. But I can live with that.
As I've said before, it's not the editing that's bothered me, it's the apparent fabrication of a "journey" or "narrative arc" for Katie, or the possible complete fabrication of "Katie" herself. Apparently you can't make a reality show without this kind of bollocks (MTV would be lost without it - that Jessica Simpson, she's sooo stupid), but ultimately it kills them all.
It's all very well to view it as a primetime drama but if what you're watching is smart people being told to pretend to be stupid just to satisfy our desire to watch people who think they're smart being shown up as stupid then I can't see the point. And it bugs me that the smart people who make the programme think I'm so stupid that I won't realise.
I'm not sure that last bit will still make sense in the morning, when I'm sober. But I'll still be ugly.
The 'unseen' clips on the Apprentice website are worth watching if you can. A great bit of editing has Jadine explaining her excitement at joining the women's team, and desire to not stress the team leader, followed by them quarrelling in the street. Generally you see things in a more natural light and there are some revealing moments - Kristina is shown pissing off the entire crew filming the Jam trainer advert, and Tre whispers, 'Am I coming across as too much of a c????' I can sympathise with those that thought they had to perform for the camera and ended up playing a role - like the one Jadine forgot about playing halfway through - and in some cases ended up looking grotesque (bet Katie was surprised by the reaction she's had). Despite missing the first two episodes I'd say Rory is the most er interesting and a programme following his next venture would be the only spin-off I'd contemplate watching.
By the way, I've realised that I'd had my fill of Masterchef having watched too much of the recent non-celeb series and wasn't ready for its return. Saw the end of the final though and it was quite sweet wasn't it.
According to today's "Daily Star" Katie is being lined up for the next series of "I'm A Celebrity".
Just thought you'd like to know.
I KNEW Simon would win, but that’s mainly because I’m watching this late and it was all over the news weeks ago. I think the clue may be in the title – “The Apprentice”. If Kristina had won, next season every eager CEO in the country would be signing up to play. In my memory, Simon was the first down to answer the phone every morning bar once. He’s young and eager and full of beans. I’m happy to believe everything I saw in this show (apart from Katie opting out of the final, which just felt like someone had switched channels for about 5 minutes). It is, after all, a TV show, isn’t it?
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