Happy birthday, Iraq! George Bush marked the anniversary of the day American forces marched into Iraq to make it a better place by going out on a limb and delivering a speech to an audience of military personnel at the Pentagon. (Does he ever deliver speeches about the war to anyone other than military personnel? And haven't they got other stuff to be getting on with?) Hey, come on, Iraq is a better place. We've seen it with our very eyes. Here's George's speech, extracted from the transcript on the White House website:

"On this day in 2003, the United States began Operation Iraqi Freedom. As the campaign unfolded, tens and thousands of our troops poured across the Iraqi border to liberate the Iraqi people and remove a regime that threatened free nations. Five years into this battle, there is an understandable debate over whether the war was worth fighting, whether the fight is worth winning, and whether we can win it. The answers are clear to me: Removing Saddam Hussein from power was the right decision - and this is a fight America can and must win."

It's all going well so far: 3,990 dead US soldiers, 171 dead British soldiers, 132 from other coalition forces, and an estimated 89,760 Iraq civilian dead (according to Iraq Body Count), which rises to a figure around 150,000 (according to the Iraq health ministry), and to 655,000 (according to a report in the Lancet). Another survey put the total estimated deaths at 1.2 million.

"The men and women who crossed into Iraq five years ago removed a tyrant, liberated a country, and rescued millions from unspeakable horrors. Operation Iraqi Freedom was a remarkable display of military effectiveness. Forces from the UK, Australia, Poland and other allies joined our troops in the initial operations. As they advanced, our troops fought their way through sand storms so intense that they blackened the daytime sky. Our troops engaged in pitched battles with the Fedayeen Saddam ... "

What he's doing here is retelling the initial capture of Baghdad in Boys' Own style, reminding us that "death squads ... obeyed neither the conventions of war nor the dictates of conscience" and that they "hid in schools and hospitals" etc. He even speaks with dewy eyes about "the most effective and precise air campaign in history", painting a vivid picture of "coalition forces racing across 350 miles of enemy territory, destroying Republican Guard Divisions, pushing through the Karbala Gap, capturing Saddam International Airport, and liberating Baghdad in less than one month."

He goes into great detail about "counterattacks" and "kills" and "heroism" and moves on to "challenges". Playing once again to the khaki gallery, he mocks civilians and the media for their lack of understanding of war. "Some look back and call this period the easy part of the war. Yet there was nothing easy about it. The liberation of Iraq took incredible skill and amazing courage. And the speed, precision and brilliant execution of the campaign will be studied by military historians for years to come."

No mention of the military's failure to prevent looting and social breakdown once the "liberation" was complete, nor the failure to ever find even a crayon drawing of a weapon of mass destruction, the pretext upon which the entire war was fought. No mention of the fact that two-thirds of Americans now believe the war was wrong.

He dares to speak of the "children's prisons, and torture chambers, and rape rooms" the troops found, when the world knows that the US military were pretty good at setting up their own prisons and torture chambers post-liberation. We've seen the photos. "Because we acted, the world is better and the United States of America is safer." Let's all go for a picnic.

"There's still hard work to be done in Iraq," he concedes. In other words, don't book any holidays. "The gains we have made are fragile and reversible. But on this anniversary, the American people should know that since the surge began, the level of violence is significantly down, civilian deaths are down, sectarian killings are down, attacks on American forces are down."Ah, the "surge." Whoever came up with that buzzword at the Pentagon deserves a raise.

"Our enemies would see an American failure in Iraq as evidence of weakness and a lack of resolve. To allow this to happen would be to ignore the lessons of September the 11th ... "

What lessons? To get your air bases out of Saudi Arabia, which is what started all this? To actually scramble the military when four commercial airliners are hijacked in one go?

"... and make it more likely that America would suffer another attack like the one we experienced that day ..."

Oh, here we go, more "heroism". If in doubt, stir up fear and dread among the people with reminders of "that day."

"... a day in which 19 armed men with box cutters killed nearly 3,000 people on our soil; a day after which in the following of that attack more than one million Americans lost work, lost their jobs."

Yeah, not the Americans who worked for the security firms and reconstruction firms that moved into Iraq. Isn't it time to single one brave "hero" out of the tens of thousands with their lives on the line? Ah yes. Marine Gunnery Sergeant William "Spanky" Gibson. "In May of 2006 in Ramadi, a terrorist sniper's bullet ripped through his left knee - doctors then amputated his leg. After months of difficult rehabilitation, Spanky was not only walking - he was training for triathlons." He is truly Captain America. Nothing against this chap - he's clearly a tough career soldier. Bush is lucky there are men like him around. Bush met Spanky last year and Spanky asked him if he could go back to Iraq. Today he's serving in Fallujah, "the first full-leg amputee to return to the front lines. Here's what he says about his decision to return: 'The Iraqis are where we were 232 years ago as a nation. Now they're starting a new nation, and that's one of my big reasons for coming back here. I wanted to tell the people of this country that I'm back to help wherever I can.'"

Spanky is equating Iraq in 2008 with America in 1776, when it kicked out the British and signed the Declaration of Independence. Who exactly are Iraq kicking out? Iraq wasn't under the colonial cosh and the King of a faraway nation before the coalition went in. The comparison does not bear close examination. Certainly Iraq's troubles have their roots in being run by the Ottomans and then the British, but it's not quite the same as what's happened since the fall of Saddam, is it?

Foreign Policy magazine named Iraq the "second most unstable nation in the world" (after Sudan) last year. In the words of Young Mr Grace, "You've all done very well!"

"The battle in Iraq is noble, it is necessary, and it is just," concluded Young Mr Disgrace. "And with your courage, the battle in Iraq will end in victory. God bless. (Applause)"