That's not cod
A sense of deja vu that's almost too much to bear: another 16 twats in a big house (a converted factory this time - "It's like a dream!" gasped one of the female candidates, who must have pretty dull dreams. "Look at that staircase!"), Sir Alan slightly baggier around the neck and in a larger, more industrial-looking fake boardroom, but still flanked by Margaret, who's grown sideburns, and Nick, whose face has now set into a withering grimace, like that of a Shaker Maker figurine. Suits. Ties. Stubble. Gel. Overhead shots of London. Prokofiev. Bollocks.It's The Apprentice 2008 and once again, it provides a public service: demonstrating the damage wrought by Thatcherism and Blairism on this country. The hopefuls are predominantly in their twenties and very early thirties - youngest: Lindi, 22, black, from Birmingham ("How much do you usually pay for two cod?"); eldest: Jennifer, 36, redhead, from Leicester - born or at least raised and educated under Thatcher and pumped up with entrepreneurial self-belief, even though only about two of them actually work for themselves; most are sales managers and liaison managers and buyers and consultants, desperate to break out of their jobs by, hmmmm, getting another job. In Brentwood. The voiceover on the first show suggested that the "dream" house gave the candidates a taste of the lifestyle they could live if they won. On a hundred grand a year in London? Dream on. It would only be possible to live in a big house with a sunken bath if you won a reality TV show that meant spin-off opportunities and your own show on Sky One. Oh yeah.
So, business boot camp, Mary Poppins he's not, and withins minutes of the introductory meeting, our beloved overconfident salespeople were out selling (like Sir Alan used to sell aerials out of the back of a cart, or something, 40 years ago when it was all fields round here): fish. Wet fish in polystyrene boxes. How they must have all smelt at the end of the day, even the victorious girls. I'm not going to look it up, but don't the girls always win the first task? They were set up, talking over one another, with no sales or delegation or pricing strategy, in Islington market (round the back of the Word office!) while the boys were still trying to decide where to pitch their stall, relying on the common, "uneducated" barrow boys to use their instinct (Lee and Simon, I think, it's too early to be able to name individual twats). They chose Islington market.
This at least meant that the hapless Nicholas, 24, trainee barrister and a boy who had never failed at anything in his long, varied life except one of his GCSEs and, so it appeared, shaving under his bottom lip that morning, could go and copy the girls' work. He was singled out of the pack very early on, by project manager and Ethan Hawke lookalike Alex, and by the directors of the show. He knew nothing about the price of fish and was put in charge of pricing fish, marking lobsters up at four pounds 90p when they go for around twenty. (As the second poshest member of the team - after the supercilious Raef: "the spoken word is my tool" - he will have eaten lobster, but never actually paid for it. Or visited a market.) The seeds of the final boardroom were sowed here. "We're gonna get fucked," spotted Simon.
The girls' team, who were nearly called Strive but went with Alpha (the boys went with Renaissance - I thought Simon was saying, "Relations") gave less in the way of entertainment, beyond the expected squealing at the staircase and bath in the house and one instance of project manager Claire, 29, asking the others not to talk over her. I'm quite interested in beret-wearing Lucinda, who seemed to think she was in Ashes To Ashes, and looks like she's down to be the first to cry in the people carrier in next week's show. Jennifer decided she was going to try and stand out by wearing a shiny yellow blouse. It worked. "I rate myself as the best salesperson in Europe," she explained. Don't do yourself down! Why limit yourself to one continent?
Alex, when cornered by Nicholas in the Final Showdown and called "uneducated", was forced to brag that he, too, was privately educated, despite his Bolton accent, and was "working transatlantically" by the age of 21. (What? On a ship?) This man could win it, assuming he combs his hair at some point. He was never in the frame to be fired, not with the chinless Nick and well-spoken Raef on either side. Sir Alan claims not to care where you come from or where you were educated, but that's bollocks. He cares a lot. Raef will not last long, not if he keep using long words like "hyperbole" and "gladitorial" [sic] and saying he "gets on with prince or pauper" (implication: Alex is a pauper; Sir Alan is a pauper - oops! - nothing funnier than someone of privilege trying to claim man-of-the-people status after the fact). Nicholas might as well have had an Omen-style black smudge hanging over him for the whole of the first show. He was fired. Of course he was fired. He chose from his large armoury of debating and reasoning skills, to use the class hatred defence. The wearing of white wellies and blue aprons makes this a classless society, Nicholas.
Ah well, it's all business, and as Alex had pointed out, they weren't "friends", they'd barely known each other for a day. No tears were shed for Nicholas, who will live to earn a fortune another day. He may console himself that he was not actually the biggest twat on screen last night: that was in fact the unnamed oleaginous bastard in the blue shirt and tie at the law firm who haggled Renaissance down to fifty quid for a hundred quid's worth of spare, unidentified seafood - "the customer's always right, yeah?" - let's hope he was among the 19,984 who applied for The Apprentice this year but didn't get chosen.
Once again, we must praise the directors and the editors. They do all the hard work. That single shot of two squid on the floor was art. Once again, I felt most sorry for the lobsters. They couldn't even sign a release form, their hands were taped together.
But who's the mystery blonde boy?
posted by Andrew Collins @ 7:32 AM
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I was determined not to watch it this year, but my girlfriend insisted on having it on. I only lasted 20 minutes before it got too unbearable to watch and went to read a book.
The first series was OK and fairly interesting but it's now become a parody of itself. Given that they had 20,000 applicants for it I think it's fairly clear that they didn't choose the best candidates and just too the ones that were best for TV. Given that, I think your comment that:
"once again, it provides a public service: demonstrating the damage wrought by Thatcherism and Blairism on this country."
is probably a bit wide of the mark. It's entertainment pure and simple.
Anyone who's actually good enough to be successful in business will steer well clear of this programme. If they're not already on £100k they're probably already on their way to it and they wouldn't risk their reputation and future careers by appearing on this show. I think these people are probably a bit mentally disturbed to be honest!
A perfect summary. I tried so hard not to watch last night as I know all too well what it does to my blood pressure.
I even had my back to the TV (my wife, sadly exhibiting less willpower, had the programme on) - working on my CV, coincidentally - but it still managed to draw me in.
My overriding impression was of a bunch of children who seemed to have been released from some underground bunker specifically for the show as they showed precious little evidence of having spent time in the 'real world'.
I'm no Rick Stein but I know the difference between a cod and a salmon and that £4.90 for a lobster represents something of a bargain. And I regularly come across staircases and baths without feeling the need to scream.
And none of them are even any good at business. Each team had 8 people on a tiny market stall for several hours - what were they all doing? Why didn't a couple of them walk 5 minutes to Steve Hatt's fishmongers on Essex Road and find out how much they should be selling the stuff for (they might even have worked out what some of it was).
You see - there I go again. And I really don't care.
Still, my CV was looking pretty good by the end - I am now the finest recruitment manager in the Northern Hemisphere, with the ability to use my voice like a rapier.
I'll let you know where this gets me.
Here's his website - http://www.delacy-brown.com/ . Number 9 in the paintings on the front page of the site is particularly disturbing.
Nah, sorry but I have to disagree. The bloke in the solicitors wasn't the biggest twat IMHO. He was just amazingly good at running rings round them!
Marvellous stuff. I also saw the Ethan Hawke similarity.
First episode is always slightly chaotic but, as ever, enjoyable. As there are 15 of them left it seems it's going to go on forever.
You may be right about the successful business people steering clear of The Apprentice, Tristan, but I'm not talking about them when I blame Thatcherism and Blairism for the state of the nation. I'm talking about the pumped-up, over-confident, deluded, "give it 110%" unsuccessful business people, who truly believe that to get on you need to make a ton of money and grind everybody else into the dust. That's Thatcherism and Blairism, and The Apprentice exposes this appalling legacy. (I would have just put "Thatcherism", as that's when it all started, but sadly, Blair did nothing to stem the tide of self-interest.)
Thanks for the link to Nicholas's website, Ken. The biography has to be read to be believed.
In fact, to save you the trouble - from Nicholas's website biography:
Sebastian’s Arrows will no doubt be one of the most talked of exhibitions in 2008 because of Nicholas’ associations with television, however it should be one of the most talked of exhibitions in 2008 because of the pure joy and delight the artist clearly takes in his craft ... Nicholas de Lacy-Brown should be known foremost as an Artist, then a man of the Law, and finally as a contestant in The Apprentice.
It comes as no surprise that since his exhibitions in 2000 and 2006 he has been noticed not only locally, but on the London art scene ... Interest has also reached an international level from galleries in Paris, Marbella and Madrid, while a permanent collection of the artist’s work at A.R. Brown and Co. Solicitors in Worthing continues to receive regular praise. Segunda Guernica is now one of the most notable pieces of the artist’s short career, having been praised by the Spanish Embassy in London, the Spanish Department of Culture in Madrid and Michael Portillo M.P.
Say no more. Interestingly, most of his paintings are of himself.
Oh but there is surely so much more to say. I particularly enjoyed this unintentionally crushing line from the biog - after explaining how Nicholas has crammed more into his 24 years on the planet than most other mere mortals do in a lifetime, we get:
'Having already received much critical acclaim in his home town of Worthing for his last exhibition'
Now the Worthing art scene may well be a thriving hot bed of the avant-garde but the effect is slightly deflating all the same.
And I wonder if he's heard from the legal representatives of Salvador Dali's estate yet?
Thanks for making me laugh so much. The, ahem, internationally renowned artist's permanent collection is in a solicitor's office (his own?) in that bastion of international galleries, Worthing, and because he has made a cheap reference to Spain, apparently professional Spaniard Michael Portillo expresses approval. Is that what they call bathos? Did you see his painting on Adrian Chiles programme straight after? The boy genius only depicted himself as Christ being crucified, with a lobster crawling up his leg to 'symbolise' his experience on The Apprentice. Priceless, though not in the way he imagines.
Just a thought - shouldn't Sir Sugar's catchphrase actually be:
'I'm declining yer application!'
Not as catchy, but factually correct - it's not like he'd hired them, which is what one generally has to have done before dishing out a sacking.
I'm quite disappointed that he's been fired already as, having read the mini biogs before the series started, I thought he had the best comedy potential of the lot of them. I'm surprised that the voice over didn't mention that he added the de-Lacy to his name because "it felt more sophisticated"!.... As he would no doubt say, "outstanding".
"Michael Portillo M.P. "
Oh no he's not!
Hooray! Another year of The Apprentice and your Apprentice blog, which is what got me visiting your site in the first place this time last year.
I thought last night's episode was genius. It's hard to believe that there are any people that arrogant, but they've managed to find some more for another series this year!
I particularly liked it when Nicholas tried to explain to Siralan that he liked art and culture, he wasn't interested in talking about football like the 'uneducated' members of the team. What did he think the ex-owner of Spurs was going to say to that?
Also, when Nicholas said that he was 'just guessing' that Alex was uneducated, I want's to pluck his beard out with tweezers, the smug gimp.
All in all a perfect opening episode I think! It made me angry and it made me laugh, and that is exactly what I want from it.
Zoe
Thanks so much for the great review. I can't actually stand to watch it because it makes me squirm and feel slightly anxious so I make do with your review, flicking over during the ad breaks of other channels and promos. I really wish I had seen the squid on the floor though.
Btw. I know Margaret Mountford in passing and she is a really nice, pleasant, intelligent person. In her position I'm afraid I would do something terrible to all those dreadful twats.
Nice vitriol Mr Collins. I eagerly await your appearance in the Guardian's "Screen Burn" next time Charlie Brooker's on holiday!
I'm afraid I can't bear to watch anymore, but your review made me glad I didn't.
I fear that it sums up the cultural vacuum of our post Thatcher-Blairite society when the dreaded 'surallen' is held up as a business god. As I recall his products were the epitome of computer tat back in the eighties. It's all just 'can do' these days. Do anything as long as it makes money. Regardless of whether it makes sense, is or does any good for anyone.
Strange this rant seems to have driven me into a glower not unlike surallen's!
Yes, The Apprentice is back. So we get plenty of people saying the candidates should be culled from the general working population.
The show is purely for entertainment, although the candidates that last a bit longer than two or three episodes generally go on to well paid stuff and if they're particularly annoying they get to do the commentary for other sites/newspapers/TV (delete as you feel fit)
Jim
What is it with this curious state of self-denial that's going on round here? A lot of people claiming not to watch it, yet thirsting for the gossip around it. No, it doesn't make you a better person for not watching it, as it doesn't make you a worse one for doing so. Yes, it is a formula show, but they have got it choreographed to a T now, so that it is vastly entertaining - and there is nothing wrong with that. Personally I find it hugely watchable, an enormous satire on the whole risible (and, as Andrew rightly points out, Thatcher and Blair annointed) 'glamour' and desirability of the business world, a world which has been elevated to a position wildly at odds with its tawdry reality, so unthinkingly that it has become a given for the thrusting graduates of today. Ok, they're not all like that, but as a comically entertaining puncturing of the business ethos, and the young egos who have swallowed the lure of power and wealth, it is unmatched. So what's your problem with watching it?
Two Points.
First, as a ex-Worthing resident (1969-1988) the Worthing Art scene is .......non-existent.
Secondly, it's CHAPEL STREET Market not Islington! My Gran and Grandad lived round the corner from the market for over 60 years.
Ian
I'm going to try not to say this every week this time so let me get it out of my system now.
Nicholas Lah-Dee-Dali doesn't want to be Sir Alan's apprentice; he doesn't want to be a barrister or a solicitor or whatever; he wants to be an artist and he used the programme to get himself a bit of publicity. Nobody screams at bathroom fittings like that unless they're still in auditioning-for-a-reality-game-show mode, or unless a producer is telling them to do it. No one says, "I'm the best salesperson in Europe," because they were educated under Thatcher or Blair. I'm 37. I went to a "good" university where there were plenty of twats. No one I've ever known would do that, unless they were on The Apprentice and the producers needed a quote. I've worked with loads of salesmen and not one of them considered selling to be a skill to be proud of (managers are a different matter).
It's pretty clear from the profusion of "hairstyles" on display last night that the contestants know what they're there for and what the show can get them. (The men's auditions must have been next-door to those for some pretty hellish boy band that's just over the horizon.)
To paraphrase what I said about the last series: if we're mocking smart people who are only pretending to be stupid so that we can mock them, then what's the point? If we can enjoy it as a satire then that's fine, but then we can't mock the actual contestants for being twats or for being Thatcher's children because they're merely actors playing up to a stereotype. (And note that for all their macho bollocks on the programme itself, they pretty much always turn out to be much nicer people who are happy to send themselves up and to be sent up on You're Fired.) And why would anyone expect a bunch of actors to be any good at business?
That said, for all my misgivings I did enjoy it last night. As long as they can resist the temptation to spring "surprise" "twists" on us, and as long as they can keep the chaos of the tasks looking like it all happened without the intervention of the producers then the show has life in it. If only they could make Sir Alan's choices look like they have anything to do with the way people performed on the actual tasks.
I watched it last night, and was pleased to watch it last night, in spite of the fact that I knew that the self-promoting idiots would drive me mad with some of the crap they were talking. I loved it, obviously. I wanted to hate Raef immediately, of course, and there's a lot to hate... but you watch him on the task, and he was one of the only ones there who wasn't interested in allocating blame for any mistakes and wanted to move things on. When that guy sold the spare fish for £50 and said he would take responsibility, Raef was quickly in saying that it was a joint decision. Fine. That he said the same thing in the boardroom in front of Sir Alan, I thought spoke volumes for him. I don't think Raef is going to win, and he clearly needs some help getting over himself, but he showed me more teamworking spirit last night than all of the others. Alex in particular (and yes, I thought he looked like Ethan Hawke too) was quick to dwell on the negatives and seek to allocate blame (did you see his face when Raef spoke up saying he thought he'd not been a good project manager? Priceless... and fair play to Raef again. He's no yes man)
Nick was always onto a loser when he decided to make it a class issue in the boardroom and sneered at people who liked football... IN FRONT OF SIR ALAN.... but to be fair to him, I though that although he made a mistake with the pricing, he was also the one who went to check the prices with the other fishmonger and realised the lobster price was wrong. He was also the one who checked the prices the girls were offering. All Alex wanted to know about was who he could blame.
Having said that, did you see them all desperately trying to avoid being project manager? Brilliant.
The programme will get better when there are fewer of them and we know them all a bit better, but I love the fact that they're fighting with each other already.
God, I'd rather die than work with that shower.
Honestly. They make me feel good about myself. I won't ever earn as much, but I can console myself with the fact that I'm NOT LIKE THEM.
ST
It should be said that Nicholas has received no critical acclaim in his home town of Worthing for his art, quite the opposite in fact. The arts scene down here is much, much better than that...
The 'De Lacy' in his name is a fiction.
And the exhibition in AR Brown and Co, Solicitors? Well, Alan (the 'A' in AR Brown) is the father of ... Nicholas 'De Lacy' Brown.
I forgot to mention earlier that I nearly wept when Simon bashed the f**k out of that poor fish's skull with the blunt side of his cleaver like a man possessed and then went to his elderly customer 'Is that alright?'. TV gold.
Zoe
It's come around way too quickly but, wtf, first utterly pointless observation: on that programme that follows on BBC 2 Nicholas looked very like John Sessions. 'Mysterious blonde boy' Kevin Shaw is Matt Lucas. I think perhaps Alex should've been 'fired', didn't think he was any better than Nicholas and didn't like the way he didn't say 'nevermind, none of us spotted the lobster error.' He was obviously point-scoring but the annoyingly bright Sophocles may be right about Alex being (unlike all the others, of course) quite annoying (as in the Raef v Alex film on the Apprentice site, if you like being annoyed). The most frightening moment for me was Jenny swooning about being in sales (before swooning about stairs and baths). I also thought Simon was saying 'Relations', weird. (I looked up the names.)
What struck me most was the woeful lack of preparation... they were all yelling "Let's get selling!", desperate to get into the market, but no-one thought to use the information they'd already been given to identify the fish and then price it BEFORE setting up the stall.
I come across these "time to market" guys all the time in my professional life... desperate to get the product out there without a care for whether they're really ready to do so.
I note that the majority of the candidates are from a "business" or service industry background.... there's virtually no-one with any experience in what it takes to actually produce a product, be that physical or virtual - yet another legacy of Thatcher's decimation of the UK manufacturing sector.
Still, it's compelling viewing!
The comment that got me was the one about being the best salesperson in Europe. If you're the best salesperson in Europe wouldn't employers be battering down your door to get you to join them? Wouldn't the £100,000 p.a. salary be the sort of commission you'd drop down the back of the sofa and not bother looking for?
Sorry to be pedantic but Nicholas's painting is not of himself as Christ but as St Sebastian. But a very stupid image nonetheless - Sebastian died for his faith; what is Nicholas suggesting he's "died" for?
Just want to thank you, Andrew, for not posting the losing candidate as the picture at the top of the post. I can't watch the Apprentice until after the event and forgot to NOT look at your blog for most episodes last year...
I solemnly promise, Jason, never to put a picture of the fired candidate at the top of future posts on The Apprentice (I remember doing it, stupidly, last year, and I guess it was you who complained!)
Dave, I maintain that they're twats, and that they're products of their time. I know "reality" TV isn't "real", it's about as artificial as they come, but aside from brilliant direction and editing, which I am always keen to praise, we're still looking at 16 managers and salespeople with an inflated sense of their own worth - which I personally take to be borne of the era in which they were born and raised. We must agree to disagree. (That said, it's bloody entertaining, and I wouldn't be watching it if it wasn't.)
I'm not sure if my favourite quote from the programme appeared in anything other than the preview of the rest of the series. It was:
"But you put me in an inappropriate skills set!"
They're so fresh and green that they can still quote directly from the Ladybird Book of Business.
I love your updates on The Apprentice almost as much as I love the Guardian Talk thread on it.
- Gillian
I'm with Bods - I thought the guy in the solicitors did exactly what the Apprentice is supposed to be all about - he seized the opportunity and got a great deal! The young puppies could learn a lot from him!
AnonoNick
Is it true Surallan got the two teams to go T5 last week to run the baggage handling?
It didn't enter my head until reading Dave's post but I guess Lah-De-Dali was earmarked for an early exit, there for brief entertainment value. Even if no contestant dreams about working for Sugar I imagine most still want to prove their boss-potential and see winning as a step in that direction. The Apprentice - the business equivalent of a parade of Dariuses auditioning for Hear'Say.
I suppose it's just a game and at a basic level just needs the participants to want to win. Their failures probably provide the most entertainment but there's also the fairly interesting question of whether Sugar does actually know something about business and can spot potential. The tasks not mattering is a problem but as long as Sugar is an asset to the show I suppose we'll have to put up with it.
I suppose it's quite interesting as a study of the prevalent culture of self-promotion. Can anyone do it? Is it really necessary? Interesting to try to spot people who don't have to act (or who are the act), people who really believe they're the best; I guess they will always be attracted to the programme and the programme will always welcome them. And I doubt ridicule effects such people (doubtless many bosses are bosses because they suffer from such a twonk disorder and it will only be the people who work for them who actually suffer). The questionable thing is the programme manipulating innocents and you just hope they don't push that (they certainly shouldn't because pantomime has limited appeal) or that the audience can spot it. They shouldn't try to manipulate viewers either because too many won't be that innocent anymore - and not just those who think about it way too much.
Once again the Apprentice is rolled out for an adoring public, the modern day equivalent of laughing at the loonies in Colney Hatch. Sadly, the Producers of the show have appeared to simply select the latest group of chinless wonders based on the "big" characters of the previous series. Thus we have the Katie Hopkins character (posh blonde bird who is always seen wearing a beret and loud dress in a similar vein to Hopkins truly awful white Next suit), Paul Torrisi character (small chap who was genuinely upset at the end that Ethan Hawke lookalike didn't view him as a 'friend', despite having known him for a 8 whole hours), Saira Khan character, Grimes woman character etc etc etc. The Producers clearly have a winning formula, but it would be nice if these roles were not so pigeon holed. That said I watched the show with huge enjoyment. Quite how any of these idiots can ever claim to be top business people is beyond me (who has ever bought a whole lobster for £4.90?), and I thought it was a great twist to force them all to work with fish all day whilst in their best suits. I also thought that bloke said "Relations" rather than "Renaissance", but then I couldn't understand most of what that bloke was saying throughout the entire show. The class split was excellent and highly predictable. And the Adrian Chiles show after was superb, with Chiles mercilessly and hilariously taking the p*ss out of Delacy. Brilliant.
p.s. That mysterious blonde boy, Kevin Shaw, is in fact Matt Lucas's cousin. Did anyone else half expect him to say "Yeah I know" in the boardroom?
Twats one and all. I cross the street to avoid these type of puffed up "go-getters". I'm think the women probably pee standing up and the blokes would sell half hour "exectutive relief" slots with their grandmothers.
Just want to add that I include myself in 'those who think about it too much'.
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