Like a fungus
"Oh, my fucking giddy aunt!" Well, it was good to see some actual hard work on Ep 2 of The Apprentice this week. For all the flipchart idioms and the irony-free cries of "In it to win it!", Renaissance and Alpha were put to task by Sir Alan - who, we learned, never expected tips when he sold aerials out of the back of a van. Both teams were given an industrial laundry, usually staffed, one imagines, by illegal immigrants or characters in Dickens, and which - seemingly at random - had to close at 2am. So our assorted sales managers were off out touting for business, starting in what you'd have to assume was their comfort zone: knocking on doors. However, Alpha (that's the "girls"), signed their death warrant in the first negotiation with a hotel, which they went to unprepared and with no more clue about the price of washing than Renaissance had about the price of fish. The meeting, watched over by an internally tutting Nick and Margaret, went like this - and remember, this bloke wanted a thousand items, from sheets to pillowcases, laundering:Lindi (self-styled "African Princess"): "We're gonna do a standard price for everything: £4.99 for every item."
Slightly scared-looking hotel manager: "Right"
Lindi: "So, all together, Jennifer ...?"
Manager: "And is that your ... best price? 'Cos that will come to £4,999."
Jennifer (Dublin-born ex-show jumper and "best salesperson in Europe"): "Yeah."
Lindi: "Included in that price, we've got lots of things we'd like to offer you - you've got a 24-hour hotline. Me and Jennifer will both be your personal account managers, so if you have any issues you have a direct mobile to both of us. Erm, so we'd definitely like you to consider the fact, you know, all the other benefits you get along with the laundry."
Manager: "It's not the benefits, we're talking about the price. So, obviously you need to come back ..."
Lindi: "How much do you usually pay, out of interest?"
Manager: "It's a lot less than that. It's in the hundreds."
Lindi raises a plucked eyebrow.
Jennifer: "So, one thousand items of laundry ...?"
Lindi: "... is in the hundreds?"
Jennifer: "OK." (you can see why all the other salespeople in Europe know her name)
Renaissance went in, prepared (ie. they'd phoned up an actual laundry, showing a hint of the initiative that they all claim to have 110% of), with an offer of £200 and won the "account". The manager still looked scared, and the boys had so much dirty hotel linen ("mixed lots") they filled their van to the brim, including the passenger seat area ("That's an awful lot of laundry"). Unloading it, Simon - now my official favourite to win - a former NCO who washed clothes in Bosnia, contemplated how much "Harry Monk" might be scattered across those sheets. I think I like him because if you close your eyes he sounds like Mark Thomas. And even though I believe project manager Raef is from another planet, I warmed to the boys this week, who were, by default, the least irritating team. Fantastic editing and use of music gave us four of them, Simon, Ian, Alex and Lee, working their working-class arses off at the steamy coalface while Raef, Michael and Matt Lucas ordered lattes and drank them in the car. It's a drama, not a documentary.
As if to compensate for quoting five grand to the hotel, the girls agreed to do the next industrial-sized load for fifteen quid, which was so laughably low, the client kept double-checking that they meant fifteen quid. "Fifteen? Fif-teen?" (They winkled an extra tenner's tip out of him in the end, which Sir Alan took a dim view of.) I'm too PC to call a woman a bitch, but Jenny, project manager and - correct me if I'm wrong - the bigamist exposed in last weekend's People, was a bitch. Mistaking her oblong glasses and British Airways cravat for a sign of authority, she dished out orders like someone who might have worked with Simon in Bosnia and made it her business to undermine the admittedly flighty Lucinda from the off. (She made her cry. Money shot!) "I am the project manager and I haven't finished. I have not finished." I admired the way Shazia, who looks permanently scared and could perhaps enter hotel management, stepped up - as they're supposed to do - and organised the bags of washing, with labels and everything. This, though, was her undoing, as Jenny - an appalling project manager (heaven knows how she organises two husbands) - failed to stop her from returning to the house before the washing was out of the industrial driers. Upshot: at least two lost men's shirts, and one pair of boxers, and fifty quid deducted from their net profit by Sir Alan, who took great pleasure in saying the word "pants" in the boardroom, followed by "Calvin Kleins" - his rags-to-riches lifestory in two undergarment refrences.
Shazia actually whimpered "please" before Sir Alan fired her. It was almost moving. She didn't deserve to go. Jenny did, not least for melodramatically describing her sisterly nemeses as "a fungus" who had infected the whole team, and then said they needed "breastfeeding." (She meant spoonfeeding, didn't she? Well-known phrases and idioms are like pieces of Lego in The Apprentice, to be dismantled and reaffixed at will. Poor old Raef was almost lost for words when he tried to complete the phrase, "take the bull by the ..." Horns, man! Horns!) Sir Alan seemed so fed up with the yakking of the ladies (again, brilliantly edited so that they sounded like fishwives), he would quite happily have sacked the whole of womankind. The boys went to the Ritz for tea and cakes and took the piss out of Raef's accent, which he took well, but then he is an alien, presumably here on a fact-finding mission before his people blow our planet up.
Lessons learned: offering personal account managers and a 24-hour hotline for "issues" does not get the ironing done. My point about the decline and fall of civilisation still stands. (I once phoned BT and asked if I could make a formal complaint, and was told no, but I could "raise an issue". The word "complaint" has been banned in the world of business. Remember that next time you want to complain.)
Recaps: Episode One.
posted by Andrew Collins @ 10:51 AM
24 Comments
Contact
Andrew at
24 Comments:
Ah. I now realize why it took me two years to resolve my 'complaint' with npower, dammit.
The editing is a triumph. There were some genuine belly laugh moments in a few of the one-liners, quick asides and glances to team-mates.
It was a travesty, but the decision to let Jenny bully another day is down to ratings and not the desire to find the best person for the dubious job.
Simon deserves credit, but still no-one else sparkled.
I'm tipping Raef's hair to form a breakaway alliance with his eyebrows as they represent the only truly unique, charismatic and memorable part of the show. In the final week his hair will do the dirty - so to speak - on his eyebrows and will be crowned The Apprentice.
It could happen. It is about as realistic as any of them being the "cream of British business talent".
Top telly though.
It was bloody fantastic last night.
I'm still scratching my head over how ANYONE (prince or pauper) could possibly imagine that £4.99 per item is a decent deal... did they just conjure that figure spontaneously or was it discussed? Did the production team suggest it to trick them?
I'm annoyed Shazia went. She was one of the few with a believable CV, she had a human interest story in her background and to top it all off she was very presentable*.
*old fashioned sexism dressed as flattery
I know everyone complains about biased editing but I really couldn’t give a monkeys when it’s as good as this. It was totally unfair of them to follow up Reaf’s Henry V style I’m going to drive them on and we are going to kick some serious arse (something like that) footage of him dropping his papers and then banging his head as he got in the car. Bu brilliant. How long before people start saying “actually despite the obvious, he’s alright really” (I think the already have if the fired shoe show is anything to go by) like they did with Tre last year? But Tre really did have something; this pillock doesn’t.
With you on Simon so far. I’m not one for conspiracy theories (not about reality TV anyway) but is there any possibility that Siralan realised that Jenny V Lucinda makes good telly, so he kept them in?
fantastic!
youve got me watching the apprentice now AC, thanks for the tip!
"....and took the piss out of Raef's accent, which he took well, but then he is an alien, presumably here on a fact-finding mission before his people blow our planet up."
That did make me laugh...almost as much as the program itself
Andrew - this entry was so funny it embarrassingly made me laugh out loud at my desk like a mad woman!
Myself and some friends had an apprentice night last night - it's good fun to shout at the TV and share your outrage at people like that venomous bitch Jenny.
I was very annoyed that when Jenny said Shazia was a "Manipulative liar", Margaret did not say "Hang on, that is just not true".
My favourite quote from this episode from one of the boys:
'I've got a door-knocking fist ready for action'.
I think Raef is wearing someone else's hair.
delores
It is good to know that the top business brains in the country have such a keen understanding of the value of a fiver in this day and age - it can either buy you a whole lobster or get you a single pillow case washed and ironed.
My favourite moment came when Lindi and Jennifer were discussing their £15 proposal to do the restaurant laundry and Lindi wondered whether they had gone in 'too high'. Jennifer - who doesn't seem to be capable of speech - just grunted.
Deep breaths all round everyone.
One of my best bits last night was Michael's dance when the boys exited the boardroom. What WAS that??
Zoe
Brilliant car crash telly once again, with the cream of Britain's chinless wonders proving that you can be upper or working class and still be a prize prat. The Producers should be congratulated for selecting what must be the most useless bunch ever on this show so far (and that is up against some pretty stiff competition from previous series). The show almost edits itself with this bunch of never-will-be's.
Adrian Chiles was once again superb in his after show mockery.
Roll on next week....
Simon's my favourite too - even though he told the boys to work the street "until it bleeds".
And did you enjoy the boys world class negotiation ?
Boys "£520 ?"
Hotel "That's better than the girls quote but I only normally pay £200."
Boys "Deal."
Simon James x
Why would the aliens bother blowing us up? We are doing a fantastic job of destroying the planet with out any need for help from extra Terrestrial immigrants!!!
AnonoNick
I missed whether Shazia was assigned to organise the washing but I thought last week that it was stupid for only one person to do the identifying and one the pricing and I'm (possibly charitably) wondering if they're under instruction to have only one person doing these crucial jobs?
I like the way Simon sounds like he's reading a script and yet may be the most genuine one there. Wonder if Jenny has used that breastfeeding line before. I've tried not to think about who might win but just the way Sara said to Jenny "you go on and on" was a sign of potential (nail hit on head), although Simon is probably more Sir Alan's type.
Since you called Jenny a bitch Andrew I'm going to come out and say that I thought Shazia looked great on YF.
It's nagging me that I think I've seen posh Lucinda on something before, can't think what though. Good review by the way.
"Unloading it, Simon - now my official favourite to win - a former NCO who washed clothes in Bosnia ...."
Simon's also my favourite and NOT only just for The Apprentice. I can't believe that half the women in the country were not swooning over a man so USEFUL that he knows how to organise laundry and ironing military style!
I expect there's a wedding ring on his left hand that I haven't spotted yet - all the good men are always taken already!
I'm with Oldnathan. First thing that occurred to me is that the potential for future conflict between Jenny and Lucinda is great for viewing... and therefore Shazia would be the production company's 'firee' (yeah I know it's not a word!)
Last night was great... particularly the picture comparison of the blond haired guy and the only gay in the village on 'You're Fired'. If it wasn't for Doctor Who on Saturday I'd happily fast forward to next Wednesday now!
Re: Simon the NCO -- he can deal with my smalls *any* time!
(Meant to add this to previous comment.)
I'm with Simon B - Shazia can boost my ratings any time!
Eh?
Eh?
Oh.
Alex looks like Marcus Brigstocke in that picture. Or however you spell it.
Wish I'd written my previous contribution to this topic in English
Simon is so not going to win. He's a born number two (so to speak) and although he was the bedrock of the boys' win last night, he did not lead them to a win. I give him another couple of weeks, three at the outside. Mark my words.
LET ME FINISH. LET ME FINISH.
By the end she was reminding me of Ian Paisley....
ST
I watched the first two series but like any format I just couldn't stomach anymore. I am so grateful for you reporting back - it means I can enjoy it vicariously without actually having to watch it. Mind you - I feel an iplayer moment coming on....
Swineshead - It's interesting that you thought of Marcus Brigstocke because in last week's task when Alex was PL I was making comparisons with Giles Wembley-Hogg.
Is "Let me Finish" the new "I am your boss"? I'm looking forward to the week when Jenny has to deal face to face with another business person and fails to get her way. Actually, I think that's why The Apprentice doesn't wind me up like some - I see it as a load of idiots volunteering to entertain me.
I suspect that just about any group of people given a task like this to do would be similarly rubbish. That's why I can still enjoy the show: it's like being at work but without actually having to pretend to be doing something while you laugh at management. I also suspect that if Simon looked and spoke like Raef, we'd all think he was a fucking idiot.
The £4.99 per item idea was Jenny's (never mind a pillow case - they could replace entire bed sets for that, if they were only going to use them once). Her team lost simply because they didn't get that contract. She called Shazia a liar in the boardroom (but wasn't asked either to back that up or to leave). And it was clear that her man-management skills were somewhere between frighteningly poor and just plain frightening. I don't understand how the show can be so brilliantly edited (and it is), yet they can't make the decision as to who gets fired look like anything other than a huge non sequitur.
(And I can't resist suggesting that Civilisation is doing remarkably well, considering that the drama Threads proved it was completely destroyed in 1984.)
The whole thing with the 24-hour hotline for laundry had me rolling around with laughter. Hilarious.
Great report, as always!
Post a Comment
<< Home