Bog-average
A "Horrible Advert", courtesy The Apprentice.
Scene 1. Int. The House. 30 minutes before the candidates need to be somewhere
CLAIRE GETS TO THE PHONE LOOKING LIKE SHE WILL NEED AT LEAST 31 MINUTES TO GET READY
FRANCES [ON PHONE]:
The cars are picking you up in 30 minutes!
CLAIRE RUNS OFF SQUEALING, AS IF IT'S SOMEHOW A SURPRISE THAT SOME CARS ARE COMING FOR THEM TODAY
Scene 2. Ext. The House. 30 minutes later (yeah, right)
CLAIRE, LUCINDA, HELENE, RAEF, ALEX, MICHAEL AND LEE McQUEEN TROOP FROM HOUSE WITH SUITCASES-ON-WHEELS, SHOT FROM BELOW FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT, AND GET INTO PEOPLE CARRIERS
VOICEOVER:
The candidates are meeting Sir Alan at London's Famous National Theatre Of London, the most famous theatre called that in the whole of the land, possibly Europe, possibly the world. Fuck me, it's famous. And the candidates are going there!
Scene 3. Int. London's Famous National Theatre, disguised as a concrete monstrosity, London. Day
A GERMAN EXPRESSIONIST SHADOW APPROACHES DOWN ONE CONCRETE WALL. IT IS SIR ALAN. HE LOOKS LIKE HE MEANS BUSINESS. BECAUSE HE DOES. BUSINESS IS IN FACT ALL HE MEANS. HE CASTS A LONG SHADOW FOR A SMALL GNOME
SIR ALAN [GRUMPILY - AFTER ALL, HE IS IN A BLADDY THEATRE]
Good morning.
CANDIDATES:
Morning, Sir Alan.
SIR ALAN:
This is a theatre. It's where they put on plays or something. You could say it's where they tell stories. It isn't, but you could say that, which will segue nicely into me saying that this week's task involves telling a story, except it doesnt, it involves making a 30-second commercial for a box of tissue.
MILES AWAY, IN ALDERSHOT, WHILE PEELING POTATOES IN THE BARRACKS, SIMON SAYS, "YESSS!" TO HIMSELF, AS HE IS AN EXPERT IN TISSUES AND KNOWS SOMEBODY WITH A TISSUE. UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS FIRED A FEW WEEKS AGO AND HIS UNIQUE SKILL SET WILL NOT BE REQUIRED
SIR ALAN:
Right, first I'm gonna mess with your heads a bit. Alex, you join Alpha, Helene you swap with Lucinda and then swap back again. Raef, you are now Claire. Michael, I know I said you could be project leader but I am a bastard and I was lying, so Alex, you're team leader, but only after you swap back to Renaissance and then back to Alpha, which is now called Alphex, and Renaissance is called Renaefance. Three second runaround - NOW!
Scene 4. Int. Ogilvy, London's Biggest Advertising Agency Called Ogilvy, If Not The World's. Day
RENAEFANCE - RAEF, MICHAEL, CLAIRE AND HELENE - ARE BRAINSTORMING IE. TRYING TO FIND OUT IF THEY HAVE A BRAIN
CLAIRE: Why don't we call them I Love Tissues?
SILENCE. NOBODY ELSE HAS A SINGLE IDEA
CLAIRE: Brillierrrnt! Let's action that then.
IN A ROOM NEXT DOOR, ALPHEX - ALEX, LUCINDA AND LEE McQUEEN - ARE ALSO TRYING TO THINK UP A NAME FOR SOME TISSUES, BUT HAVE THE INSPIRED IDEA OF THINKING UP MORE THAN ONE
LEE McQUEEN [ON FIRE, MAN]:
Snot. Bogeys. Catarrh. Blow. Sniff. Snort. Excavate. Pick. Wank. Spunk. If you don't put these ideas out there, man, they'll just be, like, in here, and that's not what I'm talkin' about, right? Cosynose. Nosicose. Coninone. Noseycone. Coneyisland. Novocaine. Snosycoze. Cooziwooze. Snooziwooze. How do you, like, write the sound you make when you sneeze?
Scene 5. Int. Another office at Ogilvy International Ideas Corp. Day
CLAIRE AND HELENE ARE TELLING A MAN HOW TO DESIGN THE 'I LOVE TISSUES' BOX. IT LOOKS VERY GOOD. THIS IS A BAD OMEN
CLAIRE: Cheryl Cole would buy these tissuerrrs!
CHERYL COLE [WATCHING ASHLEY COLE GET CRAMP IN MOSCOW ON ITV1, AND CRYING AT WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN]: No, I fucking wouldn't.
Scene 6. Int. An identical room at Ogilvy Advertising Solutions. Day
ALEX AND LEE McQUEEN HAVE SENT LUCINDA OFF TO SCOUT LOCATIONS BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE HER BECAUSE SHE HAS MADE THE BASIC ERROR OF NOT BEING A BLOKE. THEY ARE TELLING ANOTHER MAN HOW TO DESIGN THE 'ATISHU' BOX. IT LOOKS SHIT BEYOND BELIEF, BEING A COLLAGE OF STOCK IMAGES OF PEOPLE AND KITTENS WRAPPED IN BLANKETS
LEE: That's what I'm tellin' stories about!
HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS AND MOONWALKS TO EXPRESS HIS PLEASURE AT THE RESULT
Scene 7. Ext. Posh School, Surrey. Day
RAEF AND MICHAEL, DRESSED, RESPECTIVELY AS SKY MASTERSON FROM GUYS AND DOLLS AND FAGIN FROM OLIVER!, ARE SCARING SOME SCHOOLCHILDREN AND THEIR TEACHER, MAKING FRAMES WITH THEIR FINGERS AND THUMBS AND LOOKING AT EVERYTHING THROUGH THE IMAGINARY VIEWFINDER
RAEF: I love you, Michael.
MICHAEL: I love you too, Raef. Glad we got rid of those stupid girls.
RAEF: You could be the next Fellini.
MICHAEL: Who's Fellini?
RAEF: No idea. Anyway, we could never marry because of religious differences. You're fully Jewish and I'm Sky Masterson.
SCHOOLGIRL: Miss! I'm frightened! Call the News Of The World!
Scene 8. Int. Another unidentified room, probably a studio supplied by Talkback. Day
ALEX AND LEE McQUEEN ARE PRETENDING TO BE CASTING DIRECTORS, CASTING AN ADVERT WITH NO CONCEPT, NO SCRIPT AND NO STORY. LUCINDA, HOW PROMOTED FROM WASTE OF FUCKING SPACE TO RECEPTIONIST, SHOWS THROUGH A MAN AND A WOMAN AND A GIRL
ALEX: Could you just 'freestyle' a bit for us?
WOMAN [TO GIRL, UNCONVINCINGLY]:
Have you got a cold?
GIRL [TO WOMAN, UNCONVINCINGLY]:
Yes.
MAN [TO GIRL, UNCONVINCINGLY]:
Oh dear.
ALEX'S MOUTH EXITS, STAGE LEFT. THEY ARE GOING TO LOSE. THEY ARE GOING TO LOSE SOOOOO BADLY
LUCINDA [TO CAMERA]:
The box is crap. The design is crap. The tissues are crap. Alex is crap. Lee is crap. And I am about to invent a phrase: bog-average. [WORKING UP A HEAD OF STEAM] I am a woman, I know all about tissues. I wear this stupid beret because it is good for keeping tissues in! Don't they understand? We're going to lose. We're going to lose! Oh my God! I miss my horse.
Scene 9. Int. Posh School in Surrey. Day
SIAN LLOYD THE WEATHERGIRL AND EX-GIRLFRIEND OF LEMBIT OPIK MP ARRIVES. MICHAEL AND RAEF ARE AS EXCITED AS SCHOOLGIRLS. THEY ADJUST THEIR CRAVATS
SIAN:
Hello! Where's the weather map, then?
RAEF:
Er no, it's not weather-themed. We chose you because you're mumsy.
SIAN:
But I am not a mum. I am childless.
RAEF:
What I mean is, we've heard of you.
SIAN:
Are you a couple?
BOTH:
Yes.
SIAN:
Shame, I'm looking for a boyfriend. Do you know anyone single with a wonky mouth?
Scene 10. Ext. Posh School, driveway. Day
SOMEBODY HAS SET UP THE CAMERAS AND LIGHTS AND EVERYTHING FOR FELLINI 1 AND FELLINI 2. ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS SHOUT 'ACTION' AND LEAVE IT TO TOP ACTRESS AND MUM SIAN LLOYD TO FILL IN THE BLANKS
FELLINI 1:
Action!
FELLINI 2:
Well done.
SIAN [UNABLE TO DISGUISE HATRED OF KIDS]:
You've got yogurt on your nose, you little twat, come here!
SIAN WIPES YOGURT ROUGHLY FROM SCHOOLBOY'S NOSE. FELLINI 2 NOW HAS A SEMI. SIAN THROWS THE BOX OF 'I LOVE TISSUES' AT THE CAMERA WHILE CALLING HER AGENT ON HER MOBILE: THE PACK SHOT!
Scene 11. Int. A house, personally scouted by Lucinda. Day
ALEX AND LEE McQUEEN DIRECT THE MAN, THE WOMAN AND THE GIRL IN A FRONT ROOM. LUCINDA SWEEPS UP IN ANOTHER ROOM
WOMAN [TO GIRL, UNCONVINCINGLY]:
Have you got a cold?
GIRL [TO WOMAN, UNCONVINCINGLY]:
Yes.
MAN [TO GIRL, UNCONVINCINGLY]:
Oh dear. Good thing these antibacterial tissues are antibacterial and have antibacterial properties.
ALEX [THINKS]:
Fuck me, we've lost. Better start working up an eel-like strategy for slithering out of being fired again, even though it's all my fault. Maybe I can blame it on Lucinda's beret. Or her careless lack of male sexual organs.
Scene 12. Int. Edit suite. Night
RAEF AND MICHAEL HAVE BEEN HARD AT IT FOR FOUR HOURS. CLAIRE AND HELENE, WHO HAVE GOT A MAN TO MAKE THEM A PRINT AD, ENTER GINGERLY
CLAIRE:
Have you fineeeershed?
RAEF:
Yup. We've just got a few more 'cuts' to make in order to get it down to 30 seconds.
RAEF WINKS AT MICHAEL AS IF TO SAY, HA HA, I'VE USED A TECHNICAL EDITING TERM, THE STUPID GIRLS WON'T UNDERSTAND, BUT YOU DO; MICHAEL WINKS BACK
CLAIRE:
How long is uuuuuuurrt?
MICHAEL:
Four hours and 32 minutes. But we're just about to lose the pack shot.
CLAIRE [TO CAMERA]:
I wouldn't show this film to my familuuuuuy, let alone one of the most powerful corporations in the whole wide wuuuurld. I wouldn't show it to my dog, and I don't even have a dog, as I'm too driven.
HELENE ROLLS HER EYES. IT'S WHAT SHE NOW DOES
Scene 13. Anonymous room at Ogilvy. Next Day
LEE McQUEEN IS PRACTISING HIS PITCH, WITH JUST SECONDS TO GO, WHILE ALEX AND LUCINDA SHOUT INTO HIS EAR
LEE McQUEEN:
This is not what I'm talkin' about! What I fink we need to do is regroup, repurpose, go forward and draw a line under this fing, or else we won't be able to move forward on it.
Scene 14. Anonymous room at Ogilvy. Day
500 PEOPLE FROM OGILVY CORPS ARE ASSEMBLED, ALONG WITH NICK AND MARGARET AND SIR ALAN FOR THE PITCH. RENAEFANCE LINE UP
CLAIRE:
We were looking to place our tissues in a unique gap in the tissue market: the one that was crying out, demographically, for a box of tissues for people who love their tissues, specifically. That's why we did this and this and this.
THEY POINT AT THEIR PRINT AD, IN WHICH TWO SCHOOLCHILDREN ARE GETTING OFF WITH EACH OTHER ON A BENCH, ACCOMPANIED BY A TINY PHOTO OF THE 'I LOVE MY TISSUES' BOX AND THE STRAPLINE: 'IT'S NOT ABOUT TISSUES.' THEY SHOW THEIR AD, WHICH HAS NOW BEEN CUT DOWN TO 157 MINUTES, WHICH IS ONE MINUTE SHORTER THAN THERE WILL BE BLOOD. DURING THE FILM, OGILVY TOP BRASS THROW THEMSELVES OUT OF THE WINDOW. MICHAEL AND RAEF ARE SO PRIAPIC ABOUT THEIR EPIC TALENTS THEY HAVE TO HOLD CLIPBOARDS OVER THEIR LAPS
Scene 15. Int. Same anonymous room at Ogilvy (how do the people who work there actually know if they're in the right room at any time?). Day
ALPHEX LINE UP FOR THEIR PITCH. LEE McQUEEN SHUFFLES ENDLESS SHEETS OF A4, COUGHING, TOUCHING FACE AND BLOWING NOSE
LEE McQUEEN:
Fank you for coming. Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, or just speaking in English, I'd just like to congratulate the bride and groom ... no, wrong speech ... [SHUFFLES MORE PAPER] ... Atishu is a tissue ... ur, hurrgh hurrgh ... that targets the female genre, because the female genre is a unique genre in the world of genres and ... [SHUFFLES LAST SHEET OF PAPER TO TOP] Fank you very much for watchin' and listenin', ladies and gentlemen.
THEY FILE OUT WITHOUT SHOWING THEIR PRINT AD OR FILM. THEY ARE PELTED WITH FRUIT AND BOTTLES OF URINE AS THEY RUN FROM THE BUILDING. A HUGE OMEN-STYLE BLACK STREAK NOW ACCOMPANIES EACH OF THE THREE TEAM-MEMBERS, WHO ARE GOING TO LOSE, THEY JUST KNOW IT, AND SO DO WE
Scene 16. Int. TV studio dressed to look like Frances' office. Day
THE PRODUCERS HAVE PINNED A SIGN SAYING 'LOSERS' TO ALEX, LUCINDA AND LEE McQUEEN. RAEF, MICHAEL, CLAIRE AND HELENE ARE BATHED IN THE GLOW OF SUCCESS. MICHAEL HAS PUT HIS FAGIN COSTUME BACK ON TO SCORE EXTRA ETHNIC POINTS WITH SIR ALAN, WHO WAS A PICKPOCKET HIMSELF 40 YEARS AGO
ACTRESS:
Sir Alan will see you now.
RENAEFANCE MARCH THROUGH THE DOOR INTO THE BOARDROOM. ALPHEX CRAWL IN ON ALL FOURS
Scene 17. Int. TV studio dressed to look like a boardroom. Day
RENAEFANCE OPEN A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND HAND IT AROUND. ALPHEX HIDE UNDER THE DESK WITH JUST THE TOPS OF THEIR HEADS POKING ABOVE IT, AS SIR ALAN ENTERS
SIR ALAN:
Right! You lot [POINT TO RENAEFANCE] were bladdy brilliant. Claire, you did a brilliant pitch, without notes. Your film is already nominated for an Oscar. You shower [POINTS UNDER DESK TO ALPHEX] were shit. You made a horrible ad for a horrible product. But you put a pack shock in and you've won.
ENTIRE 7.2 MILLION-STRONG BBC1 VIEWING AUDIENCE GASPS AS ONE. PENALTY SHOOT-OUT IN MOSCOW HALTED AS MAN IN CROWD WHO'S BEEN TEXTED PASSES THE NEWS ON AND IT REACHES CHELSEA CAPTAIN JOHN TERRY. HE'S SO SHOCKED THAT ALPHEX HAVE WON HE MUFFS HIS SHOT, GIVING THE CHAMPIONSHIP TO MAN UNITED, WHO REALLY WEREN'T THE BETTER TEAM
ALEX:
Can I just say in my defence, Sir Alan, that Lucinda was a woman and I promise to give you 111% if you give me one last chance to prove myself to you, Sir Alan, that I am the man for the job, and did I mention that I'm working class, and that Lucinda rides a horse?
SIR ALAN:
You've bladdy won. Now go off and buy some clothes. You lot [POINTS TO RENAEFANCE, UNABLE TO SPEAK], you'd better go and sit in that downmarket cafe round the corner from the studios and start the recriminations.
THEIR CHAMPAGNE ACTUALLY GOES FLAT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES
Scene 18. Int. TV studio dressed to look like a boardroom. Day
SIR ALAN MUTTERS WITH NICK AND MARGARET
SIR ALAN:
Blah blah ... bladdy Cheeky Girls ... blah blah ...
NICK:
Blah blah ... Who loves tissues? Not me, and I'm a Catholic ... blah blah ...
MARGARET:
I've got a slightly shorter skirt on this week, did you notice? Blah blah ...
RECTOR OF EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY:
Fucking cow.
Scene 19. Int. Downmarket cafe (ie. doesn't serve soya milk). Day
THEY SHARE A SKINNY, DISCONSOLATE LATTE WITHOUT SOYA MILK
RAEF:
When we get back in there, I'm proud to say, in advance, that there will be no back-stabbing and no power play and no divide and rule. We're unified. We're a team. We lost this as a team, and if we stay team-like, we can emerge from this with dignity and smoking jackets. All for one, and one for all.
HE HOLDS HIS HAND UP FOR A HIGH FIVE. CLAIRE AND HELENE JUST LOOK AT HIM. MICHAEL LOOKS AT THE FLOOR, HIS FACE REMINISCENT OF MICHAEL CORLEONE'S WHEN HE KNOWS HE MUST HAVE HIS BROTHER FREDO KILLED IN THE ROWING BOAT
Scene 20. TV studio dressed to look like a boardroom. Day
SIR ALAN POINTS AT RENAEFANCE
SIR ALAN:
So, you were bladdy brilliant. Who's fault was it?
MICHAEL:
I can honestly say, with my hand on my Jewish heart, that everything that was brilliant about what we did when we lost was down to me, 100%.
RAEF:
You bounder! You cad!
MICHAEL:
I'm not putting down what you did, I'm just saying I won the task, on my own, single-handedly, even though we lost.
RAEF:
I can't believe I'm hearing this. Sir, I challenge you to a duel. Pistols or swords?
SIR ALAN:
Raef- who are you gonna bring back in with you?
RAEF:
My ex-boyfriend and Claire, because you have hinted that you don't approve of a woman who talks too much and I'm looking to save my own perfect skin here.
SIR ALAN:
Get out, and get back in.
RAEF, MICHAEL AND CLAIRE GET UP, TURN AROUND, AND SIT BACK DOWN. HELENE LEAVES, ALMOST TRIPPING OVER ALEX'S MOUTH, WHICH HE LEFT THERE EARLIER
CLAIRE:
Can I just say, in my defurrrnce ...
SIR ALAN [LOSING RAG]:
Shaddap, you bladdy back-fence fishwife foghorn - you talk too much. You're like this, giving it all that, giving it all the other, a right motorouth, air raid siren, yack, yack, yackity-yack, endless talk, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit-rabbit-rabbit-rabbit-bunny-rabbit, I need bladdy earplugs to drown out your incessant jabbering!
CLAIRE SITS IN SILENCE, CONTEMPLATING HER MOLES
SIR ALAN:
Leave it out, will you, Claire? I'm getting some right old earache here! [TO MICHAEL, NOW DRESSED A RABBI] What have you got to say for yourself, my boy?
MICHAEL:
If it was good, I did it, if it was bad, one of those two did it. Happy Hanukkah.
SIR ALAN:
Michael, I should have fired you last week but I can see some of myself in you, for I too was a twat 40 years ago. Claire, if only to shut you up I'm going to offer you a reprive.
CLAIRE GOES TO OPEN MOUTH
SIR ALAN:
Shat up, for one blessed minute, will you! [TO RAEF'S BUTLER, WHO HAS STEPPED IN TO TAKE THE PUNISHMENT FOR HIS MASTER] For no good reason, y'fired.
RAEF'S BUTLER FALLS ON HIS CEREMONIAL SWORD. RAEF HAS ALREADY BEEN HELICOPTERED BACK TO HIS ESTATE
FADE
Recaps: Week One, Week Two, Week Three, Week Four, Week Five, Week Six, Week Chicken, Week Fong
posted by Andrew Collins @ 11:05 AM
55 Comments
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55 Comments:
This is the best thing ever.
Mushroom
The best moments of idiocy last night were:-
a) Claire stating that "we identified that the tissue market really need shaking up ".
b) Lee's completely bizarre and continual use of the word "genre"
c) (and best of all) Lee saying that "this tissue has brought this couple togevva wiv vair child and allowed vem to spend sum quali-y time togevva" . PRICELESS !
Excellent! I've just this minute finished watching it on sky+ but I wish I hadn't bothered now, you summed it up perfectly.
I look forward to your reviews as much as I look forward to the show itself, and this was definitely worth the wait! Well done - this had me sniggering sneakily into my keyboard at work.
Hats off to you for that one.
*speechless*
That's a 10/10.
Very good, Andrew! Your best Apprentice review yet, I think.
I can't believe smug Alex got to go to Harvey Nics with 'a few quid' the smug smug smug bastard.
And did I really hear Lee and Alex say that they wouldn't buy tissues if they were advertised by a gay couple??? It seemed to slip by unnoticed but I'm sure that's what they said.
As for the 'musicals' section in the back of the car, I haven't cringed so much since watching The Office.
Zoe
Completely forgot about Alex and Lee's casual homophobia concerning the potential "gay couple" tissue advert. The gay rights movement has a long way to go. (But then again, so does Lee McQueen, evolutionarily speaking.)
Well, there goes my sandwich!
Hilarious review Andrew.
Oh come on, Alex and Lee's "casual homophobia" hardly registered on any scale. What was far worse was Lucinda's tedious efforts to utilise a gay couple for "shock value".
Which also shows how far we haven't come, Boldwood. Gay = shock. Gay = punters not buying a product. The Daily Mail wins. (Except on the Embryo Bill, clearly, but that's another blog entry.)
Andrew, I think you're wrong on the gay thing. It wasn't casual homophobia by any means, just the chaps cannily realising the very obvious point that anything that might restrict the market for a product has to be binned. So they binned it.
It was irrelevant anyway - would gay people buy a certain tissue because there happened to be gay folks in the ad?
Very unlikely, they'd buy Kleenex as they normally do. Like everyone does.
Ah, but you're both forgetting, I'm a liberal goody-two-shoes who must overreact at all times to even the merest hint of oppressive thought!
Excellent review! Bladdy excellent! Especially the cameos from Simon and the Rector of Edinburgh University. I almost spotted. And there are breadcrumbs all over the keyboard from laughing while trying to eat.
Holy crap! I actually had to get up and leave the room a couple of times last night because it was just so excruciatingly awful.
God, Alphex’s packaging was perhaps the most toxic thing I’ve ever seen. But the thing is, they’d stand out on supermarket shelves. Renaefance’s I Love Tissues, while nicely designed, would just disappear into the background.
As for the advertising.... Christ on a bike, why didn’t these dimwits stick on the TV and watch for the daytime commercial breaks. Both commercials were a level of shitty shitness that hasn’t properly been mined yet by the industry, but Alphex’s turn did keep hammering the product at the viewer. One thing they should have done to really put the cherry on the cake was redub it, badly.
Is it any good? No, it’s snot!
That should have been their strap line.
It would have been brilliant if the Renaefance boys had cut the scenes with Sian Lloyd after their oleaginous interacts with her. The little school girl could have done with some ‘tears’ squirted on her face – and that’s not a euphemism for anything unsavoury and Gary Gliterish – to show that she was crying but....
Where was the SODDING PACKSHOT???
In my past existence I’d spend days stuck in a Henry suite at the end of each job, waiting for the clients to finally bowl in. After heading straight for the menu and ordering everything they could the only thing they ever really gave a shit about was the size of the packshot.
Anyway, Raef was lauded in The Apprentice: You’re Fired!. The best part of which was when Adrian Chiles had to describe Michael and could only come up with “Odious little twat.”
Tuesday next week, mind.
Lucinda was also (admittedly vaguely) hitting at other types of "thought provoking" and "challenging" ways of selling the tissues. I was fully expecting some bizarre war scene or bombing aftermath with her tissues making an appearance.... or maybe some sort of dead animal. She was definately musing aloud along those lines.
Hahahahah, very good.
The Daily Mail received a negative connotation there though.
Sorry, I may have missed this one and I know that during a recent podcast you (jokingly) labelled yourself a hypocrite for writing for the paper but have you blogged about why you accepted the Daily Mail money to compose a book review?
It is difficult to tell why SrAlan (grumpy chops or Nookie Bear on a good day?) keeps letting Teflon Sophocles off the hook.
Loved Adrian Chiles' comment to Raef on "You're Fired" (regarding the Raef/Sophocles love-in):
"How could you fall for such an odious little twat?"
Yes, with those hysterical, knee-jerk leftie reactions, you're the liberal Jon Gaunt, AC.
I don't think Lucinda was marketing her ad with a gay couple at gay people, I think she was trying to come up with something a bit more modern than the man woman and child combo, to market to everyone. It didn't strike me that she was doing it to shock, I don't think she was suggesting that the gay couple used the tissues to clean up jizz or anything!!!
And I think Lee & Alex were being homophobic in their response of "I wouldn't buy gay tissues" (can tissues be gay?) and "If I came round to your house and you had those tissues, I'd be like 'aren't those the tissues with the gay advert'....and then I'd leave and never see you again" was the unspoken end of that sentence I think.
I don't think it was canniness to bin the idea on their part at all. They know that the tissues aren't really going to market and that the ad's only going to be shown to a load of advertising execs. I think the execs would rather have seen something a bit more modern than the shit sandwich they were served up with.
Zoe (from the female genre)
Hey, Hugh, an interesting area ... I was commissioned to write a book review for the Mail On Sunday's Review section, which as far as I can see, sits outside of the political line of the main paper. I was under no pressure to tow any particular line in my book review, so had no problem taking the commission. Paul Morley's first job for the nationals was to write about pop music for the Telegraph.
I once did a couple of TV reviews for the Mail On Sunday's men-aimed supplement called Live, with a view to a regular slot, but was told to tone down a line I put in about the coming oil crisis as it didn't sit with the Clarkson-esque tone of the supplement and might displease the car advertisers they depend on. It was my last review for that particular section by mutual consent!
But commissioning editors work independently of each other at the various sections of the various papers and I was flattered to be asked to write a decent-length book review by a national. I also write occasionally for the Saturday Times and that's owned by Rupert Murdoch, but as a Sky subscriber it would be hypocritical of me to try to draw that particular Socialist Worker line in the sand. I have other outlets for my political views, including this one, and the occasional Guardian blog (with whom I don't agree on certain issues either!), not to mention the letters page of the New Statesman when I get fired up.
It's thorny issue when you depend upon the media for your income. Would I turn down a voiceover for McDonald's or one of those awful no-win-no-fee ambulance-chaser Claim Direct-type adverts? Yes I would. But nobody's asking yet so it's easy to maintain that boycott!
I will take the Daily Mail shilling if the commissioning editor is nice enough to want me to write a review for them. When you're in the media, you must be visible, or you're dead. And it hasn't stopped me criticising the paper's party line in the podcast or on here. So I have not been compromised. (It was a review of a birdwatching book!)
Zoe - totally disagree. You've done a fair bit of presumption by your own admission, so it's hard to take your suppositions seriously.
If you market an item and the advert is geared towards a very limited demographic, the demographic you ignore in your advertising won't respond. It's that simple.
Finally, a decent explanation that I can console myself with as to why Terry missed the penalty - put a smile back on my face :-)
Awwww, Andrew, I think I might love you! I love your whole Daily Mail explanation thing (I hate the paper but I have a compulsion to read it online - it's a sickness)
Great write-up by the way, this weeks must have taken ages.
Sarah
Excellent Mr Collins - you're obviously on tremendous form for the new series of Not Going Out.
You managed to convey your absolute contempt for everyone involved in this episode. As well as showing what a doddery old prat 'Sugar' is turning into - I'm withdrawing his knighthood.
He's showing the first signs of old-geezer sentimentality, and three series too late it's finally dawned on him the sort of twats who want to work for him.
A couple of points that need mentioned though:
1. Michael's Fagin accent, which was a cross between Jonathan Woss and Harry Enfield's Stavros.
2. The fact that Lee and Alex thought that buying clothes was 'the best treat so far' tells us a lot about what vain soulless ponces they are.
3. In previous series, Sugar has proved to be a bit of a Simon Cowell. Shrewd understanding of people and what's required for the role. But now, he's finally shown that he's just a vain sentimental old man, trying to retire with some dignity. It's tragic.
I can't decide who he reminds me more of - King Lear or Don Quixote, tilting at satellite dishes.
The BBC, of course, don't care how feeble and mawkish he's become, so long as they get the viewing figures. So, he'll continue downhill running the show from his old codger's armchair.
'Your task for this week, I want you to design me some sort of contraption so's I can get up the bleedin stairs. The loser, one of you gets to wipe my bleedin arse. You'll need a lot of fuckin tissues for that, my boy'
Thank you for your understanding, Sarah.
Somebody just posted anonymously (which is why I didn't publish it) saying, ha ha, you voted Tory in 1983, as if they were a tabloid reporter exposing my darkest secret. Hardly. I wrote about the way I voted in the 1983 election - aged 18 and in naive, unquestioning thrall to my Dad's political views - in full, in detail, in my book Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now (Chapter 18, I Warn You Not To Grow Old), so it's hardly a secret.
I had my Damascene political conversion as soon as I left home, moved to London, grew some opinions of my own and emerged from the persuasive shadow of my dad. It's a shame we don't all arrive, fully formed, from the womb, but hey. It's not where you're from, it's where you're at.
I was under no pressure to write about how I voted aged 18 in my book, but a) I thought it was interesting, and pertinent to the narrative (in that I moved sharply to the left once I started thinking for myself), and b) I thought it best to be disarmingly honest about these things. What's the point of writing a sanitised biography for yourself? I think I have atoned for my sin in the 25 years since! (The Tories only get in because disaffected Labour voters vote for them, which means they are not hardcore Labour voters in the first place, but part of that amorphous, impressionable mass that we call Middle England. Political lecture over. I've got plenty of marking I can be getting on with.)
Andrew, not important and not worth posting on the blog - but the time-thing on your latest apprentice post appears fucked again. it says posted at 3.25pm.
Cheer guvnur
Swineshead - I'm not so sure about your demographic point. Disneyland advertise to families with young children but I still want to go as a childless member of the female genre, and I'm sure some gay couples do too. I just think that in this day and age who is in the advert shouldn't dictate who it is aimed at - for instance it's assumed that by having a gay couple in the advert, straight people won't buy the product. If this was the case would it be fair to say that if a black couple were in the advert then a white couple wouldn't buy the product? No it would not and rightly so. I would just like the same to be said for gay people (I have a dream...etc). I do realise that this is wishing thinking and naievty on my part, and it just goes back to Andrew's earlier point that the gay rights movement has a long way to go.
I don't know anything about advertising though of course, the only reason I mentioned it in the first place was just because it made me see Lee McQueen in a new (unfavourable) light. Alex was alredy in an unfavourable light from episode 1.
Zoe
Brilliant!!
I didn't watch it because of the football, but you've even managed to explain that! I knew there was more to John Terry's tears than a missed penalty.
Tremendous review, I was torn between this and Sky One showing "The Girl Who Never Ate" (apparently the cure is to stop feeding her through her tube until she's so thirsty she'll lick moisture from a steamed up mirror).
I am however baffled by Michael getting another reprieve, look at his eyes! He's deleted his soul long ago
simon in sevenoaks
Excellent stuff! Reading this at work *naughty Badger* and couldn't keep composed – my editor now thinks I'm a crazy giggling lady. Thanks AC (and it puts my review to shame…)
Oh, that was absolutely brilliant, great job. And I thought the Apprentice itself was funny enough!
thats your best review yet, brilliant.
Is it just me or do you think Siralan has been 'got at' this series to make it more about entertaining televison than looking for an actual apprentice?
Hilarious! I'm going to watch it tonight with my housemates who were all watching the footie/revising for their finals and they don't know what happened - I don't know if I'll be able to cope with not talking to someone about it....
And Swineshead - AC being the liberal Jogn Gaunt - that did make me laugh!
Zoe... you are only being naive to the extent that I am being slightly brutal about it (possibly because I work with advertisers regularly).
You mention the use of race in an advert as compared to sexuality. The same rules apply in the old fashioned world of advertising.
It's great to have diversity in ads (shows the advertiser to be all encompassing) but an ad featuring only black characters is a rare thing indeed.
It would be great if this wasn't the case, but sadly it is.
The reason I defended Alex and Lee is because I think they were speaking from a practical point of view, putting themselves in the place of the consumer (who the advertiser is forced to immediately assume is unintelligent, sadly).
The reason the advertiser is forced to make that assumption is an entirely different and altogether more depressing argument.
Jamie, I actually think this stopped being about actually finding an apprentice after the successful first series. Sir Alan doesn't need an elaborate process like this to find someone to work at Amstrad, and he never did - it's always been about publicity for his company and to feed his ego.
He's worth a lot of money and most of that comes from his property portfolio, rather than innovation in electronics. He sold Amstrad to Sky last year anyway (although I understand he still has an interest in how it's run). His only electronic interest is now Viglen. Simon Ambrose, who won last year, works for his property business, which must be more about moving money around and investment than inventing or marketing.
Tim, who won in 2005, famously worked on Sir Alan's anti-wrinkle cream, but he has since left to set up his own business. Michelle from 2006, as you'll recall, left when she got pregnant and set up her own company.
It seems to me that the £100,000-a-year job is just a token. Sir Alan can easily afford to take on an employee for 12 months. I'm not saying he'd want someone useless, and most of the useless ones get pruned out, but he can weather £100,000 and probably writes it off against all the publicity the programme generates for him.
You or I might think that being worth £830 million would mean that you could stop working and stop earning more money, but you or I are not rich and do not understand what makes the people who get rich desperate to get richer.
Completely unrelated: I've been listening to/reading extracts from Cheri Blair's autobiography. Is there anyone on earth more self-pitying, dead-eyed, cold-hearted humourless and money-grabbing than this hypocrite of a woman?
Andrew, you know I couldn't even remember who won last year until you reminded me!
I agree with you but it has become a lot more noticeable this series I believe.
even in the 2nd and 3rd series the candidates seemed of a higher calibre (well a few....) and the reasons for being fired seemed more genuine.
All of that being said it still makes brilliant television.
I wish Nick and Margaret were given their own show though, maybe a sitcom...
Read this whilst at work this afternoon. Nearly choked on my lunch.
I look forward to the next series of NGO if this is anything to go by.
Thank you so much, AC, for making me actually cry with laughter via a TV review. Genius!
That's all very well, but let me tell you something...
Monday & Tuesday night are Waking the Dead (with effortlessly brilliant performances from Trevor Eve, Sue Johnstone and Tara Fitzgerald.)
Wednesday is, of course, Apprentice night. And Saturday is I'd Do Anything (and if anyone has ever wondered why men began worshipping women and believing they were somehow bewitching us with their beauty, just watch beautiful perfect Jessie)
But what am I to do. These shows all finish in the next few weeks.
sirandrew - what's to be done?
Best Apprentice review ever. Can we have more like this please?
Loved the John Terry bit, I knew that was why that happened.
Task Force! A new BBC1 sitcom starring Margaret and Nick from The Apprentice.
The story so far ...
Nick and Margaret have both been sacked by Sir Alan after he sneaked into their respective homes in the middle of the night and found, to his horror, that they no longer slept with a lock of his curly nookie-bear hair under their pillows.
By some hilarious coincidence they have both simultaneously moved out of London to start anew – and both bought cottages right next door to each other in a small village populated by quirky characters.
MARGARET: (Knocking on Nick’s door) Yoo-hoo! Just me.
NICK APPEARS IN A COMEDY APRON OF A WOMAN’S BREASTS, STOCKINGS ETC.
MARGARET: (Taking off her coat) Oh, there’s a coincidence. (We see that she also wears an apron. But this time it is a hairy chest and huge set of male genitalia) Snap!
NICK: Good Morning Sir Alan’s Margaret.
MARGARET Good morning Sir Alan’s Nick.
NICK: So, what’s today’s task?
MARGARET: I thought we might clean out my back pantry.
NICK: Is that some sort of euphamism, Margaret dear?
MARGARET: Of course not. I don’t 'do' euphamism.
NICK: Why on earth not? It's ever so much fun.
MARGARET: I've no idea. I just thought it sounded cool.
Suddenly that twat Sophocles appears, dressed as the butler.
SOPH: Quick! Sir Alan’s just called. We need to be ready to be be picked up in 30 seconds.
NICK/MARG(simultaneously): Tell the bearded twat to go and fuck himself!
etc ...
'Renaefance' -- brilliant! Any more reviews like this and I'll have to instruct my solicitors to sue you for causing me to splutter coffee over my computer monitor and keyboard.
Great post - been on the caffeine again?
David, I wrote this at 10.00 this morning, having ingested a mint tea and a decaff soya latte only. I was, however, high on the panic of being behind on this episode of Not Going Out (and knowing I shouldn't be writing a blog), so maybe that helped!
Paul, I am too bereft after another cracking series of Waking The Dead. Mad Men finishes this weekend too. And my fave US schmaltz, Brothers & Sisters must be nearing its end. I wish I had easy answers. Mind you, I do have the first two series of Entourage on DVD which I've never seen, and a fabulous Sharpe box set. These will see me through the dark times.
Sublime piece of writing AC. You gave it 181%.
I had a flashback to Woody Allen dressed as a Rabbi in one of his films as I read the last part about Michael.
Andrew - this is absolutely brilliant! I have been laughing out loud at it!
Hope it helped inspire you for "Not Going Out", too :-)
Px
Mad Men is ending this weekend??? Noooooo! That just leaves Heroes, Desperate Housewives (no sniggering!) and The West Wing. Need more telly!
Now, wrt The Apprentice, I just came across this brilliant Charlie Brooker clip about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uktwoY3lk7g
Can't beat a bit of Brooker, the miserable git!
Not Going Out? I didn't know you wrote that. Excellent stuff - the jokes come out of that show like bullets from a machine-gun. Pleased to hear it's coming back.
Absoulutley superb!!
Andrew,
Brilliant!!
AnonoNick
Andrew
Only just discovered this blog... what can I say? Bladdy brilliant.
I'm now off to read through all the older posts - joy!
A masterful, ruthless expose (all the same, I still wish I was more like Raef).
Ace laugh-out-loud review - makes me wish I'd actually seen the episode!
I've never laughed so much in all my life, I had to use so much willpower not to laugh out loud at work while reading it, true genius.
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