The chicken article
Kosher, Halal, Roman Catholic, Protestant, Greek Orthodox, Muslim, Jewish, half-Jewish, mosque, synagogue, Arab, Israeli, Hamas, Hezbollah, Mujihideen, Gaza Strip, Occupied Territories, Allah, God, Jahweh, "good Jewish boy", "good half-Jewish boy", what's the fuckin' difference? As long as you use the internationally recognised noises for "alarm clock" (Lee fuckin' McQueen) and "chicken" (Michael Sophocles-Cohen), you can trade anywhere in this globalised world - that's what I'm fuckin' talkin' about!This week's Apprentice was, to quote Michael, the Chicken Fiasco. (Jenny described the chicken as "the chicken article" proving that a noun is not descriptive enough in the world of high finance.) Honestly, it was like The Keystone Cops In Africa. I thought I'd seen these posturing, vacuum-headed twats at their worst, but I hadn't seen them on cultural safari in Morocco, where haggling was the order of the day and Marrakesh was a place where the locals would eat you up, spit you out, pick their teeth with your bones, dance on your grave and pray for your soul without even blinking, or something. Sir Alan appeared on a screen, flanked by Margaret and Nick in suitably colonial attire, while our headless chickens flailed about in the souk in jumpers and rolled-up jeans (nice one, Alex, whose claim to be "full of beans" in the final reckoning was almost right). This was surely one of the highlights of the series so far, with Alphalpha led by Lee McQueen, whose swearing reached fever pitch as he explained what he was talkin' about to baffled traders, but he had a secret weapon, and it was ... Sara, who was the only candidate to know that Morocco is a Muslim country with a Jewish quarter. This geographical/religious nicety was unknown to the other nine, one of whom, Jenny, is 36 (happy birthday you meretricious, scheming, coffin-faced bastard), and another of whom, Michael, claimed to be Jewish when he was only half-Jewish - unfortunately the half that didn't know what Kosher meant and gaily ordered his chicken to be killed by a Muslim priest. And they wonder why the situation in the Middle East is so intractable? It's because Michael Sophocles and Jenny Celeriac aren't government envoys. Renalpha were led by Jennifer, who was in danger of melting into a little pool of Dublin liquid under the Moroccan sun. Neither team looked too clever, despite Raef's excitement at what he saw as "grassroots negotiation", which is "as dirty as it gets." (Was he referring to the natives? Let's hope not.)
This is what they had to "source", while scoring points for how disgracefully they could patronise the locals ("In England it is very less"):
A mosque shaped alarm clock in green (that's fuckin' greeeeeen!)
A cream Berber bedspread with silver sequins
Grey slippers
Santos orange juicer
A blue cactus (specified height)
Large cowhide with tail attached, ideally purchased at flyblown tannery
Kosher chicken
Dye
3 red Akal branded tagines
2 tennis racquets, medium strung
It was a race against time. Could they find all ten things, buy them for about three-quarters of what they were worth by talking slowly at the shopkeepers and making chicken noises, and get back to Brentwood in time for prayers? (Oh, and some of them would be praying hard come the endgame.) As usual, it was difficult to follow which idiot was in which team, as Sir Alan shook them up again at the start of play, and they split up into sub-teams. It felt very much as if Jenny and Michael were against rather than with Jennifer, Alex and Claire, doing high-fives and trying to pay off the "dirty" locals in a sports shop not to string the other team's raquet. (They were the dirty ones, and Nick took notes.) They certainly got the marbles out of their mouths (thanks, Jennifer) with the French language, mastering "hello", "how much?" and "good luck" within hours. The rest was just shouting. We didn't see much of the grey slippers or the dye, but the Santos orange juicer provided many a laugh and tear.
Anyway, never mind the travelogue, the real high adventure occurred back in the boardroom, where Sir Alan went all predictably unpredictable on us and fired two people with the same name. Leenaissance showed what he was fuckin' talkin' about and won a glamorous balloon trip in Leeds, while Jenalpha ran out of hot air, with the Bullying Ray turned on Claire, who deflected it with her big Rottweiler's face and streaked hair. (I don't know about you, but I found her "role-playing" with Alex utterly convincing. Assuming they were playing a couple who despised each other. Imagine being Alex's girlfriend and having to literally chase his lips as they scuttled around his face!) Was it too much to ask, the nation asked, to see Jenny and Jenny-fir jettisoned in one sitting? No it wasn't! Jenny went first, having tied her air hostess's neckerchief up in knots trying to remember whether she knew was Kosher was or not, and whether Michael told her what it was because of his "Jewish roots", which she'd always known about, but not necessarily in that order. ("How could you sit there like that and lie?" he asked, not understanding the rules.)
Sir Alan suggested that Michael could pull his trousers down so they could check to see if he was circumcised or not, but I don't think he got the joke, as he didn't know that Jewish boys were circumcised. But he earned a reprieve for reminding the dewy-eyed Sir Alan of being 23 again. And off Jenny went ("No good. No good. Same old story"). Followed in her uncomfortable looking yellow silk blouse by the best salesperson in Europe, Jenny-fir, who actually said, "Fire me now." And he did.
God, I love this programme.
Recaps: Week One, Week Two, Week Three, Week Four, Week Five, Week Six
posted by Andrew Collins @ 11:25 PM
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33 Comments:
"Coffin-faced bastard". I love you for that Andrew Collins.
"Jenny, is 36 (happy birthday you meretricious, scheming, coffin-faced bastard)"
Ahh, Carla beat me to it.
I was also amused to see our Good Jewish Boy/ Half Jewish Boy Cross himself as he headed back into the boardroom. Well, he half crossed himself.
There was amoment I really did think he was going to fire the whole damn lot of them, but it was fanatastic to see at least 2 of the most odious two-faced people in the world, certainly Europe in Jennifer's case, getting their marching orders.
Fantastic!
I loved the look on ALex's face when Claire kept saying "I thought we were boyfriend and girfriend" - abject horror as if her saying it might make it come true in the real world.
Sarah
p.s. The winners got sent to Leeds Castle in Kent, not Leeds.
Thanks, Sarah, but what is Leeds Castle doing in Kent? (Or, what is Leeds doing not in Kent?)
The best episode of the series so far as the inept chinless wonders ventured to Morocco for what Jenny Celeriac assumed was some sort of holiday (her reaction to hearing that they were going on a two day trip sent her into hysterical joy - has she never been abroad before?).
The editing was slightly less telegraphed this week which was nice, although it was clear from the start that both teams had no idea what they were doing. The Kosher issue was quite honestly beyond belief. How can anyone in the 21st century not know the difference between Kosher and Halal? Staggering. Michael's conversion from Jew, to half-Jew to Roman Catholic (he crossed himself going into the Board Room the final time) was astonishing, as was Jenny Celeriac's bare faced lieing. Sadly it is looking more and more likely that Claire is this year's Ruth Badger and appears immune from Sralan's firing. And why does she walk like a duck?
The Adrian Chiles show after was good although it all felt rushed as he had to get through both Firees. Michelle Mone looked like a Barbie doll on drugs - had she taken something before the programme? Jenny Celeriac (dressed like a cross between Molly Ringwald and Jimmy Hill) tried to laugh everything off but her over-expressive face gave her away when she was being criticised (which happened frequently). She clearly didn't like anyone saying anything bad about her and tried to explain away her lies over the Kosher incident. Irish Jenny faired a little better (and her make up had thankfully been toned down), although Michelle Mone clearly hated her. Despite being picked up about her "best salesperson in Europe" line, she downgraded this to only being in the "top ten".
More car crash telly at it's very best.
Sarah, I've made the same mistake re: Leeds Castle, only on a coach from Victoria rather than a blog. It was a 3 hour wait for the next coach to Leeds, and 20 minutes for the next one to Leeds Castle. Thought I could then get a taxi into Leeds City Centre. I thought it was odd when we seemed to be going south!
Aaanway, I must say I'm really warming to Raef a lot. His face in the tagine shop when he had the string of expletives from Lee coming at him from his speakerphone was priceless.
There were several highlights, apart from seeing the two Jenn's dispatched:
1). Raef's hair survived that unrelenting dry heat brilliantly - no frizzy disaster for the man who has words for a tool (or something).
2). Raef's packing tips to the rest of the boys ahead of their visit showed pure class - remember, don't forget your toiletries lads. A gentleman should never be without his pommade and Aramis (or Lynx in Alex's case) when abroad.
3). Lee McQueen "totally f***ing nailed the blue cactus, man" - I guess that is how Lee and his crew roll.
Michael should have gone as well for his arrogance, ignorance and stupid sulky religiously ambigious face.
I almost wet myself as they got the kosher chicken blessed by a butcher and then again when all these educated smart-arses had no idea what koshe ris. Priceless!
AnonoNick
I thought all the fight went out of Alex when Claire, during the boyfriend/girlfriend role-play, asked 'How long are we supposed to have been going out?', and Alex replied 'Seven years'. Claire instantly said, 'So why aren't we married yet?' The sheer terror at the thought of the alternative life which flashed into his mind gave him a thousand yard stare which didn't leave him until he reached the boardroom.
"Edinburgh is not what it was."
I love Margaret.
Great episode - he should have fired all five.
My favourite moment was when Alan threatened to fire them all, and they all started to speak at the same time to try and defend their sorry arses.
Biggest lie: Project leader Jennifer (aka the over-painted doll in yellow) saying she had no idea about the tennis racket incident until the boardroom (aka TV studio) - Michael (aka rent boy) phoned her outside the shop and told her what they'd just done!
Brilliant stuff. Go Raef!
I retreated behind the sofa to silently chew my fingers off during the whole good half-Jewish boy thing - is it safe to come back out yet?
And as for Saira's 'local accent' which suddenly appeared halfway through the day - hmm, let me see, last year, Tre and Simon/Nigella Seeds/hilarious Mind your Language tribute? Damn those flashbacks...
I can only echo the joy that Jenny/fer got sacked, particularly for Jenny's appalling, needless and hamfisted lying. And then the irony of her attacking Michael Sophocles from her cab home for being a lier and a cheat!
As for the other team I'm glad that Sara and Lucinda came out of it well as they are the only likeable ones left - the idea that Lee McQueen felt he should take them in hand because he'd heard they were slackers, and then proceeded to behave like a total dick for the whole episode. He actually made that Lenny Henry "ayaah!" shout! I was waiting for him to scream "katanga!" at some point. And Raef continues to grow on me, his abilities and dignity only just cancelling out his ridiculousness.
A brilliant episode, properly gripping and a great ending. Nah vat's wot I'm fackin torkin baht!
Obviously I love this show but I have to say I fear this episode may be the one where it jumped the shark.
Margaret's Edinburgh comment was brilliant but she and Nick both seem to be building up their parts this series.
And the firings were just too contrived, and it's hard for anything to be too contrived on this show. If Siralan was not limiting himself to one firing and just getting rid of anyone inept then clearly Rabbi/Father Sophocles should have gone as well, there was nothing to choose between the two Jens and he.
And don't get me started on Michelle Mone. She should be championing women in business but all she ever does on You're Fired is lay into female firees with foul bitchy venom.
There is a Leeds in Kent, the castle is just to the east of it. I have no idea why either Leeds in Kent or Leeds in Leeds couldn't have picked a different name - I don't know which came first - I blame the Normans (Leeds, Kent is in the Domesday Book fact fans)
Both your blog and Tristan going the wrong way to Leeds have infinitely perked up my working day so thank you!
Sarah
Presumably in order to make sure there are the correct amount of scheduled programmes in the series, Sralan must have it written into his "rules" that he has to fire 2 contestants on one of the shows. Without this we would end up with a situation where no one can be fired in a particular week (a la Big Brother when someone walks out of their own accord and the eviction vote is cancelled). If this is the case, then it somewhat takes the edge off Sralan's ballsy approach to the candidates ("I'll blaady well sack the lot of ya"). That said, he could easily find at least 2 candidates to sack every single week.
Ah, Mr Collins, this is magic...
"Coffin-faced bastard" - best description ever.
Wednesday night really is turning into comedy night with this bunch of hopeless idiots falling all over each other.
The whole kosher thing was priceless, especially her wondering if chickens were allowed in the mosque.
It was good that Sara and Lucinda weren't picked on this time. In fact those two and Raef were the only ones who figured it might be an idea to respect the local people and their customs rather than barrel around like a bunch of yobbos.
What with Michael being Jewish/half-Jewish, then crossing himself on the way back into the boardroom, he reminded me of Beni in The Mummy, holding up all the different religious symbols and chanting as the skeletal Imhotep bears down on him.
A brilliant episode … I always debate now, on Thursday mornings whether to leave my comments on Collings' blog or Swineshead's … but as Swineshead does not appear to have uploaded is latest Apprentice review yet, I will comment here today.
Gems:
** Lee "That's what I'm Talking About" McQueen polishing his pterodactyl impressions (no wonder he is the one who came up with the "Aliens" idea in the greetings card task -- the McQueen does appear to be on another planet - possibly one still inhabited by squawking dinosaurs).
** A brief clip of Raef at the end (the trailer for next week's show) explaining to Claire that "You need to remember that those people who are size 16-32 are size 16-32 for a reason: they love cake."
Yep, you're dead right there, Raef (I do love my food!). Even as a woman who is in the large size range myself I still found Raef's comment to be charming!
I'm sure I will be developing a "Raef crush" during the "Raef episode".
So far I've fancied Simon Smith (fired -- boo hoo), then Lee McQueen (but Heat magazine have spoiled that for me -- apparently the McQueen has only had two girlfriends, but is now living with the second one, natch!) …. I'm sure a mini "Raef crush" is next on my radar!
One of the best bits of last nights show was the apparent attitude of Jennifer in the boardroom. Every time she was criticised by Srallan she looked like a petulant child that, once the tongue lashing was over was going to either say "Yeah! Whatever" or "It's so unfair".
Lee McQueen looks like the character I've seen in the ads for the new GTA game.
I'm not convinced that most people know what makes food Kosher or Halal just like most people wouldn't be able to tell you what constitutes vegan food but surely most people would assume that there's a difference between the two. The American on "You've been fired" (can't remember his name or what he does) said that he's known about Kosher food since he was six - he obviously went to a different school to me!
JW said: The American on "You've been fired" (can't remember his name or what he does)
The American is called Alvin Hall and is a financial adviser (also does TV progs attempting to save people from debt etc).
(No need to accept this comment if loads of other peeps also provide JW with the answer.)
Another great show but the laundry one is still my favorite so far. Both excellent choices for the boot - Jennifer seems to have really bottled it when it came to be the Team Leader.
Could not believe no one knew what kosher meant. When I don't know something I ask someone.
Didn't realise Jennifer knew about Jenny antics with the tennis racket - was absoultely gobsmacked watching it. I would have also fired Michael there and then as he displayed he has no back bone.
Can't believe its only half way as it seems to be on for ages now. I just love it though. Best TV on at the minute.
Lee is my favorite but more for what I think his abilities might be in another room rather then the boardroom.
Raef to win.
I was bit puzzled by Michael's pre-boardroom sign of the cross. Not because he claims to be Jewish, but because it seemed to be different from the sign of the cross i remember making in my RC God-fearing days. Am sure Nick, who outed himself as a Catholic at the end, would have noticed this too. Could it have been an Eastern Orthodox Sign of the Cross?
It was a difficult task to manage though, I wouldn't fancy being in control of that lot while they ran hellfire through the market like a group of headless, er, chickens. To be fair.
Thank you for you Mr A Prince for introducing me to the wonderful phrase "jumped the shark", although I have to admit to having read it initially as "humped the shark" . . .
Simon James x
I love it too!
Whichever half of Michael is Jewish, it's clearly not the half where his brain is. The fact that he's still in it, along with Simple Simon winning last year (and Sir A's dodgy childcare questions) do yet again show that Sugar will go for the daft young posh boy over the slightly smarter if unlikeable woman (eg Jennifer the Blouse), nearly every time. However I can't get too worked up, because none of the women are very good either. He should have fired them all and hired one of the canny Morrocan hagglers instead.
I'm glad 'Who' mentioned Sara's changing accent, I wondered about that too (yeah like Tre last year). I was quite surprised that she was rated as good under pressure as she seemed to be whimpering a fair bit. She's the most human and likeable one there. I thought Raef looked lost without his linen suit.
Thanks for listing all the articles Andrew, I didn't need any of them during the programme and yet I cared more than them what they were. I'd have been checking that list every 2 seconds. Blase, arrogant and not scared enough, apart from Sara (not 'Sawa', Lee McQueen, what are you...). Bastards.
Jenny (no good, goodbye) took embarrassing to new levels - you wouldn't want to be taken shopping by her, oh no. It would be nice to think the sports-shop people were indeed "taking the piss" out of her and Sopho.
The boardroom dragged on and as has been said, felt more contrived than usual. Sir Alan seemed to be in a bad mood and I was conscious of his under-lit teeth looking rodenty. None of it was very nice. That said I laughed out loud on several occasions, although whether that was during the boardroom I can't remember.
I have a bit of sympathy for Jennifer feckin Corr (as I almost do for Hillary Clinton, as it happens) - her mechanical "merci" to one shopkeeper summed up her aloofness, but I suspect she can't help it. Course it helps when these people don't win.
"(Michael) earned a reprieve for reminding the dewy-eyed Sir Alan of being 23 again"... at the time I thought it was fortunate for Sopho that Sir Alan was never a young Irish Aunt Sally-type woman.
I was wondering who Gordon Brown reminds me of. And, after your blog today, now I know.
It's one of the Apprentice candidates - when they do their mickey mouse pitches to companies.
They're obviously just playing at it, and you almost feel a bit sorry for them - unless you've watched it before, in which case you would know that they are all either idiots or cunts.
I felt like I was watching another episode of the show when I tuned in to see andrew marr interviewing gordon brown for his sunday morning show.
He looked like a wee boy in a fat baggy old man's body - like some weird cross between Tom Hanks in 'Big' and someone who'd written in to Jim'll Fix it.
"Dear Jim, could you fix it for me to be transported into the body of a baggy old scottish man and become prime minister for a few months?"
So maybe, now that two of the candidates have been fired, Gordon can step in and make up the numbers.
Next week's task could be - pretend you're running the country.
Remember to grimace at inappropriate times. And when the oposition say something hurtful in PMQ's which cuts you to the quick, remember to turn to the boy next to you and smile unconvincingly as if you don't care.
The losing team - one of you will get fired.
I love this show too. Best Apprentice so far. And looking back on previous series' (correct use of the apostrophe, I believe), I now realise how rubbish it used to be when they had candidates who actually wanted a job working for Alan (Nookie Bear) Sugar.
It's much better when it's just a bunch of rabid cunts and nutcases barely able to resist raw meat.
There's no doubting that he's a very shrewd man. But, come off it, they make fucking email phones. And satellite dishes.
What intelligent, well-educated person would want to work for Amstrad? Maybe Gordon Brown, when he's free?
I went to the same school as Gordon Brown ( Kirkcaldy High), but I usually keep quiet about that now.
Good episode. The boardroom stuff is always contrived; I think this week's was actually more credible than most. Alex acquited himself well, taking Nick's point about Gucci fakes on the chin like an adult and generally only speaking when it was necessary. But Sir Alan said he did well on the fish selling task, which he didn't. Is he another one of those candidates with a good set of qualifications who mysteriously make it through to the end despite no apparent ability in the tasks (see Simon last year)? Or does Sir Alan just like him?
And is it just me or does Lee McQueen's accent keep slipping into something a little posher?
And is a chart of singles a singles' chart? (No, it isn't.)
@ paul2008:
"And looking back on previous series' (correct use of the apostrophe, I believe)". Er, no, sorry. No need to use it all there. And why so much use of the c-word? It's not nice you know...
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
@ Andrew:
I've never watched a minute of The Apprentice; nor will I; but I love your reviews. Thanks for suffering all that pain on my behalf!
David, Liverpool
I watched it drunk, which was weird. Not recommended.
I'm back from my hols and watched the repeat last night. Margaret was fantastic I thought, the way she said about Michael "He's just a waste of space" and her line about Edinburgh were the funniest bits for me of a great episode. Like Siralan said, these are meant to be bright people, and yet they have absolutely no common sense or basic general knowledge!
Zoe
As an avid reviewer of newspapers I expect you'll have seen today's news of the world and the photos of Jenny "coffin-faced bastard" in the nude. (maybe just their on-line version)
Tim Bowling has pointed out the Jimmy Hill connection, but I'm sure one photo shows Michael Schumacher, complete with baseball cap, photoshopped onto with a woman's body. Or maybe that's actually what he's like beneath the coveralls.
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