A glimmer
There are two types of candidate left on The Apprentice as it nears the bloody climax: super-salespeople (by which of course I mean salespeople) and people of indeterminate job title but who aren't salespeople. Lucinda confirmed herself to be in the latter sub-set by using the phrase, "I did a sale." Lee McQueen's a sales manager; Alex, his boyfriend (check out the come-to-bed, I'm-wearing-a-casual-scarf-indoors, legs-apart pose on the sofa at the end), is also a sales manager; Michael is a telesales executive (and I mean, he literally is one again, right now, if they took him back). Meanwhile, despite her sales acumen, Clur is a buyer - literally the mathematical opposite of a seller. Lucinda is a Bonnie & Clyde lookalike. And Helene is nothing. She's nothing. She's old and nothingy and, according to Sir Alan's dim view of her, she's wasting her bladdy time bein' here.Anyway, it was a salesperson's task: literally pimping rides in a selection of cars I've never heard of: a Zyclone, a Ronda, a Stryper and a Zenda. One of them was red and easier to distinguish; it was also the one that Michael, 23-year-old leader of team Renophocles, kept trying to hide behind dustbin lorries, other parked cars and a German Food van down sidestreets, for fear of selling any of it. (Sir Alan said he had offered "glimmers". Where were these glimmers, and why did we not get to see any of them?) Lee McQueen took the reins of team Leenaissance and buddied up with Alex in his commandant's greatcoat so that Lucinda could be reduced to perforating raffle tickets, which is a bit like the sort of task you give patients in mental hospitals in films. We were invited to feel sorry for Lucinda by the evil manipulators who edit the show together, and we did. She told them she didn't know anything about cars and that she didn't want to be left on her own, so Lee McQueen packed her off, on her own, to sell a car. Meanwhile, dressed as waiters, he and Alex tossed each other off (with their eyes) in the City, hoping one day to work there, rather than in Princes Risborough and Bolton, which is where they previously toiled at the coalface of sales. (What a shame that the job with Sir Alan involves being in Brentwood.) Alex refrained at least from doing that motor show thing and draping himself across the bonnet of their Zingo.
Meanwhile, to "prove himself", a droopy-lidded, dog-tired Michael (not as tired as we are of seeing him come back every week) went off by himself for a spot of self-reflection down a quiet sidestreet in Knightsbridge, unmolested by passers-by. With his "London knowledge", he decided to then go to Notting Hill and park up in a market. Luckily, he was able to stalk a man in a suit on his way to a meeting; not actually sell him an hour with the red car or anything ("I didn't sell it to him but I was extremely close to doing so.") You had to admire his commitment to all the same telesales techniques he used on the wedding cakes: saying "Bloody hell!", begging, threatening potential customers that they'd "regret it", more begging, whimpering, whining, sticking out his bottom lip, and then blaming them for being not wealthy enough, even though it was his idea to drive the red car there.
It was at this point in the programme that I was prepared to never watch it again if this arrogant little offcut of a man slimed through the boardroom process once again with his stick-on rabbi sideburns. Meanwhile, over in the City, because of Clur's innate South African brilliance at selling rides in her Zydeco at an hour a time and Helene's ability to look corporate, we were invited to start worrying about Lee and Alex McQueen, who had picked the biggest, most expensive of all the very low-down, growly cars, the Zammo, and couldn't sell five minutes of it. (Alex had to admit that even though he was a "high calibre" salesperson, he wasn't a "high calibre" salesperson. Lee McQueen just kept saying "no worries", even though he claimed to Lucinda that, using his special pay-dar, he could "see welf.")
In what we were led to believe was just "60 seconds" before the end of the task, Alee and Lex McQueens ran down Canary Wharf and found a man who wanted to hire a bit of their Zanzibar. It was clearly not "60 seconds", but hey, bit of melodrama, no worries. Either way, it clinched it for team Leenaissance, who had made something like 11 grand, while Renophocles had collectively made less than the price of one day in the Zebedee. Luckily, Lucinda had painted a big target on her ovaries saying "Kick me!" and given Sir Alan the chance to tell her to "shat up." How much she can have wanted to go out wine-spitting with the McQueens?
We're now into such small numbers, there's no need for the losing team to go away and come back in and go out and come back in again, so, farcically, Michael, Clur and Corporate Cosy Carpets Helene had to do the dance on their own. Clur - or "She", as he calls her - is now Teflon-plated in Sir Alan's rheumy eyes and was only there to make up the numbers. It was down to the hard-faced 32- year-old versus the puppy-faced 23-year-old. Which way would Sir Alan jump? Would his hatred of women (or maybe it's just a hatred of these women) override his admission that Micheal, the son he never had, is a "disaster zone"? Because the edit of the task itself had come up short, we had to suffer ten full minutes of umm-ing and ah-ing and Sir Alan explaining, again and again, that he "straggling." "I'm straggling!" he said, before selling us a dummy and - mercifully - firing the dum-dum. The worst thing is that Michael seems to have gone away with an extra bit of arrogance, believing that Sir Alan "saw something in me." Fuck knows how he ever sold double glazing back in Edgware. ("Good God! Bloody hell! If you don't buy it, you'll so regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life! Pleeeeeeeeeease. Pleeeeeeeeeeease! Please! You're killing me here! You're sticking a knife through my heart! Can I come to your meeting with you? Pleeeeeeeeease!!!!!")
It seems almost impossible now that Alex and Clur won't be the final two. I fancied some of that German Food, though, didn't you?
Recaps: Week One, Week Two, Week Three, Week Four, Week Five, Week Six, Week Chicken, Week Fong, Week Tissue
posted by Andrew Collins @ 10:00 PM
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33 Comments:
Another entertaining blog. I liked
"reduced to perforating raffle tickets, which is a bit like the sort of task you give patients in mental hospitals in films."
Glad Michael has gone, but Helene is just unfathomably dull and uncharismatic. She is, or has been made to seem through editing, devoid of a personality.
Interviews next week. This must be the weakest final few in Apprentice history, if not in entertainment terms then in terms of prospective employees. Helene is a no hoper, Lucinda just cries, Lee McQueen and Alex are complete twats. Claire is the only one I can see Sir Alan hiring (and I don't particularly like her).
Thank God he's gone the odious little twat.
AnonoNick
There have been rumours that there will be four finalists this year..
Next week - the interviews. Isn't that normally with four contestants remaining, two getting fired?
Lee McQueen really was being an arse to Lucinda. Granted, her whining is very annoying, but she always has a point. It's quite irritating seeing Lee win twi weeks in a row with poorly thought out plans, only solidifying his idea that he's a good leader.
Well it was inevitable really that the moment Michael was made Project Manager his cards were well and truly marked. His energy levels seemed to have dissolved to the point where he came across as someone who wanted to lose so that he could be fired. Hiding his Ferrari anywhere he could think of that would mean zero contact with punters was all part of this plan.
Lucinda came across as whingey and totally useless. How can she get the name of the car wrong when the name was written on the front badge?! Her inability to sell and her trailing after Lee like some teenager on work experience was frankly embarrassing. "I've done a sale!" summed up why Sralan will never hire her.
Alex once again came across as devious. It was clear he was whispering in Lee's ear and poisoning him against Lucinda, then standing back whilst Lee then had a go at her - "Is it ok if I go off and do some sales" he said to Lee just as Lee was about to bollock Lucinda. What a snake.
Adrian Chiles' show was once again superb. Barely a week after he had described Michael Sophocles as "an odious little twat". he was now faced with having to interview said o.l.t. . The "experts" on the panel were poor - Ruth Badger being dragged back to comment on the show was a mistake - she would not shut up. At one point Adrian Chiles had to put his hand up just to let Vicki Butler-Henderson get a word in. I remember now why Sralan didn't hire the Badger.
Usually on the Adrian Chiles show, the losing contestant comes across quite well. Michael didn't. Initially he seemed to be self-deprecating, but this soon came across as someone who thought the audience would like him better if he acted like this. When asked by Adrian Chiles what he had learned about himself, Michael merely repeated word-for word what Margaret Mountford had just said about him, thus underlinging the fact he had learnt nothing.
Interestingly Sralan slated Helene for being old (32!!) and staying at the same company for too long. We then saw a trailer for next week's show with Karren Brady featured as one of his expert interviewers - someone who is old (33!) and has been at the same company (Birmingham City FC) for years. Mmmmmm.
The trailer also teasingly showed Lee McQueen getting found out that he had lied on his CV about his degree. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear....
My favourite comedy moment last night was Siralan peering out of his car window right at the beginning at the breakers yard, trying to look important but being so short he could barely see out of the window (not a dig at short people, I'm 5"4 myself). Get him a bumper seat!
Zoe
You're being unusually scathing today, Andrew, but I can't help but share your contempt. Is there a single contestant whom one could honestly say was worth a high flying job?
Which brings me to Sophocles. He may well have shown promise for a young man (though, like you, I must have missed that bit), but you don't appoint promising young employees to high level jobs - you give them more junior roles until they are ready for a more demanding job.
By the by, the Zammo Smackhead would make an excellent name for a car.
Oh, while I'm here - did anyone else notice that Sophocles was accompanied by 1970s sitcom music whenever he appeared on screen on his own?
I only caught the second half of the show but couldn't help screaming at the screen more than once (first as Sophocles stalked the only man he could find with money and a flash suit down Portobello Road) and then in the evening Alex, Lee and Lucinda ... "STAY WITH THE CAR" !!!!
There was absolutely no point meandering around trying to FIND punters in a town crier like manner -- all they needed to do was to stay by the car and wait for interested people to come to them !
(People who like those type of cars WILL come and find you !!!)
The final I would like to see: LEE + CLAIR (and Clair wins).
The final I am horribly more expecting to see: ALEX + CLAIR (and Alex the ponce wins)
Oh, please Margaret and Nick, please find some dirt on Alex and soon !!!
I do love how you affect ignorance of these cars to bolster your liberal credentials. It's like the time when Jane Root had a vendetta against Top Gear for similar reasons. They are lovely things that are masterpieces of the engineers art which get used in extreme moderation. Probably less damage to the environment than a White Van over a decade of urban use. Then again, I recall you used to drive a Fiat Punto, which would put anyone off cars for life.
I might just start designing a Zammo Smackhead. Rear end inspired by Jennifer Lopez, front end inspired by Cheryl Tweedy and an en gine note that sounds like one of the Jackass lot collectively lighting their farts at 200 dB in built up areas. An id on wheels, if you will.
I missed it last night becasue my mother rang and she doesn't like it when I tell her I will ring back. Normally she's on 20 mins max but no 1 hour and 20 mins.
Thank God for this blog.
who will win - lord its hard to know - going to stick to Lucinda for noe
Portobello is a market. A bladdy market. You know, Sophocles, the place people on a tight budget to keep rickets at bay. Despite the fact that Ladbroke Grove is full of the super-affluent european contingent these days, they don't tend to buy their fruit and veg there, they have it delivered by Ocado. He'd be better off pitching down by the antiques area or better still up the road in Holland Park. Or, do what anyone with half a brain would do, head to the city where the big boys play out in their lunch hour.
Even though I know Michael to be a slimy changeling (he will become what your heart desires) he did come across quite humbly in the Adrian Chiles spin-off.
He was getting massive abuse (quite rightly) by the panel and just took it in his stride saying that he had learnt that he was "naive" in thinking he was Master of the Universe.
This too could be another act which I have fallen for..is there no end to this man's Kaa-like powers of persuasion?
For the record Helene is anonymous, Alex is snake-like, Lucinda is an annoying waste of space, Claire and Lee are probably the most likely to reach the final (although Lee will come unstuck in the interview process).
Claire to win even though she scares me.
If Michael falls on hard times he can always resort to begging on the street. All he would need to do is to make sure he finds the right spot! My favourite bit (apart from the sacking) was when he was on the phone trying to convince the car owner to let a couple of Americans to do "a doughnut" for £1000.
Will anyone have Michael on their team in the final week?
Isn't it odd that all the selling tasks seem to be intent on selling as much as possible rather than getting the most money for one-off items. If the actual job on offer involves any sort of management of a property portfolio I would have thought that two of the main skills required would be to buy shrewdly and to sell for the maximum profit but these two skills are rarely, if ever, tested.
I'll have a bratwurst, but can you lend me £65 for a go on the Ferrari?
Aw, but wouldn't it have been ace to have seen Sophocles in the interview task? Would have loved to have seen them chomping thru his made-up CV, like a lamb to the slaughter.
£100,000 is a hell of a prize to dish out to one of these idiots (I'm assuming they won't make it past the 12 month mark and that there are no guarantees thereafter), most of them would struggle to get an entry-level job in the sales team of any company I've ever worked for. I assume the lion's share of this prize comes from the BBC as part of the package, surely Surallan isn't stupid enough to throw his own money at candidates of this "quality"?
I can promise you, Nonmenclature, that I do not "affect ignorance" of cars to "bolster" my "liberal credentials." My liberal credentials do not stretch to being anti-car. I'm more anti-motorist. I have no interest in flash sports cars whatsoever. I have heard of an Aston Martin for obvious reasons, but not of the others.
I drive a car, which I like because it hasn't broken down much since I bought it and it starts in cold weather. I don't care what anyone thinks of me because of the car I drive, whether it's "cool" or not. I have never driven a Fiat Punto, but if I had, so bladdy what? It's a piece of metal. I much prefer being on a train, but that's personal preference, not a political stance! I like reading, which I can't do in a car.
I do despise Top Gear and all that it stands for though, despite appreciating a nice piece of design when I see one. It's not about design, Top Gear, though, is it? Come on - really?
Was it just me or did £67 for an hour in a Ferrari seem a bit steep when added into the requirement to leave a £5000 deposit? Surely this would have been part of the insurance you paid for as part of your £67? It wasn't picked up anywhere else and no one else mentioned the huge deposit payable when selling. This leads me to believe Sophocles cocked it up again and completely misunderstood the pricing structure.
And how did he arrive at the figure of 2% as the chance of that chap crashing the Ferrari? Bizarre.
No, Top Gear isn't about design. Quite right. It's about Clarkson's inferiority complex and penis envy. The man is a pillock.
I'm also indifferent to these supercar things (hadn't heard of a Zonda or a Spiker before last night) because I find them dull, dangerous and driven only by sportsmen and twats.
Case in point: Jay Kay.
The only redeeming feature of OLT Michael was his total lack of interest in the cars. I feel the same apathy and can't understand why people wet their knickers over them. This has nothing to do with the fact that I own a Renault Megane, which came in for a bit of a kicking, relatively speaking (was that OLT again?). It's simply because I want to bolster my liberal credentials on here and this was the only way I could think of to do that.
I don't care who wins. It's like comparing dog poo, cat poo, bird poo, horse poo and err... elephant poo (yes I've been here before but not in such a thoroughly zoological way). At the end of the day they're all shit.
I disagree that it will be Claire and Alex. I think Lucinda is going to slip through you know.
I think she will be ok in the interview task because she is less likely to get flustered (seriously, she has never lost her cool in the boardroom) and come across as a complete see you next Tuesday as the rest of them.
Also Siralan likes to appear that he is not following the predictable path which would be Claire with Lee or Alex. Look at the last two years when he clearly chose the second best finallist to be his Apprentice.
Unfortunately I will not be watching as Karren Brady is involved and as a Birmigham City fan I would sooner poke myself in my eyes with knitting needles than watch that woman in anything.
Oh..and Helene should have gone. She adds nothing at least Michael provided entertainment.
Why should you have heard of those cars? I've no idea how obscure they were (I'd only heard of the Ferrari and the Aston Martin as well) but they said that there were only 16 of one of them in the country which seems like a good enough reason not to have heard of it. If sports car manufacturers are intent on giving their cars silly names surely they're ripe for having the mickey taken.
Also, what's the deal with the cars making a lot of noise? I prefer lots of soundproofing and a decent stereo!
I love your new word 'paydar' and also the team names. Like you Andrew I was almost on the verge of throwing something and vowing never to watch again if Michael escaped firing, thankfully I can continue to enjoy the schadenfreudenfest that is this show.
My theory why he went to Notting Hill was that he'd never actually been there, he'd just seen the film and thought Hugh Grant & co. actually lived there.
A: There is nothing wrong with Puntos..the new ones are quite nice
B:There is nothing wrong with Jay Kay..yes he is a little feisty but do we want our rockstars to resemble Terry Wogan.
C:I have gone off topic somewhat.
I will fight any one who disagrees with any of these statements
AC - a great review, thanks.
Lee and Alex are competing for one slot (I'll leave you to complete that joke) as Claire is a shoo-in for a place the final two. She fits Sugar's remit perfectly: sales-y, come up the 'ard way and, most importantly, has developed under his stewardship (he would say). Her depiction in the show has changed from bossy, bitchy gobshite to assured sales person and reliable, valuable team member.
Alex will pip Lee as, snake-in-the-grass he may be, he is brighter, more articulate and shows more class and adaptability than Ali Lee init.
Swineshead: "I'm also indifferent to these supercar things (hadn't heard of a Zonda or a Spiker before last night) because I find them dull, dangerous and driven only by sportsmen and twats."
And my younger brother (whether you want to call my younger brother a twat is YOUR opinion!).
In fact my odious little twat (sorry, I mean lovely bruv) has THREE cars, two of which are environmental "baddies": a 4 x 4 and a GT40 sports car.
Meanwhile he cannot see the irony in the fact that *he* chastises me for not recycling enough (hint: I don't drive and it's damn heavy carrying large boxes of newspapers, bottles and cans to the recycling centre on foot) ... while he swans round in 3 expensive gas guzzling cars, two of which manage LESS than 20 miles per gallon and cost him a fortune in insurance.
I may pop over to your blog to post this there as well, as I know you will see it quicker there.
AC: "I do despise Top Gear and all that it stands for though"
I totally agree (the fact that my odious little twat of a younger bruv drives 3 environmental monsters has NOTHING to do with the fact).
I did write an article once about "How to Crash Your Car to Save the Environment" as all scrap metal can be recycled and how you might end up able to dine out for years on your wacky tales of "the day I did my bit for the environment playing dodgems with a Lada.
Fortunately I am unable to paste a link to the article, but I think it ended on the line something like:
And when you've finished with your pile of junk and had it condensed into a miniature tin cube by your local car crushers you can send it back to the manufacturers with a note saying: "That's what I think of your patronising, sexist, repugnant advertising, you male chauvinist creeps."
Well - maybe 'twat' was a bit strong, Sharon. I'm sure he's a lovely chap, your brother.
Jay Kay, however, is a total and utter twat, Dara, whichever way you slice it.
Bloody hell make up your bloody mind, Sir Alan. My impression at the time was that he wanted to keep his boy in but was too embarrassed in the end. Wrong probably but his treacherous appraisal of Sopho on You're Fired!, "he was good for nothing", screams 'confused feelings'. I disliked Sophocles slightly less than I did for his disinterest in cars. (Very incidentally I'm obsessed with idea that electric cars should have replaced petrol-driven cars years ago. It should have happened, simple as that.)
Lucinda is a Bonnie & Clyde lookalike. Interesting one. I was thinking Miss Bianca and Bernard for her and Lee McQueen because Miss Bianca wore a hat. Not so good.
Strange how Alex is always 'raring to go' and yet never really 'goes'. (Or maybe not, makes sense in way.)
Can't bring myself to talk about who will win because I could've won millions of pounds possibly. Same thing happened last year. Hopefully Alex can win by doing nothing.
I've never heard of a Zonda or a Skyper/Skyter/whatever it was. And I spoke to my parents after the show - they are worldly (old)and my dad used to be a driving examiner - and they'd never heard of them either, so I feel vindicated somewhat.
Sarah
Andrew - could you give a fella someone warning when you do clever stuff with the clicky-links. Honestly, "Week Chicken", "Week Tissue" - I thought I'd suddenly contracted aphasia.
Please see that this woof cucumber laboratory!
This post has been removed by the author.
I can not wait for the interviews. I like the gruff, intolerant, stubble-faced misanthrope with the cockney accent.
He'll make mincemeat of Lee McQueen.
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