This is Birmingham
I wanted Michael to go soooooo much this week, and I truly believed, with the wedding task, I would have my wish. He seemed to have been set up in the editing suite for a fall and yet, and yet, this is The Apprentice, and it ain't over until it's over. Good Lord, the weasely, sad-eyed little prick actually said, in all seriousness (because every little thing he does is in all seriousness) that Central London is closer to North London than South London. I'm sure he meant something entirely logical and helpful, but it sounded to me like the inner workings of an imbecile with doe eyes. Off the two teams went to the wedding exhibition in deepest Birmingham, where the locals are said to be friendly but stupid, but at least there's less confusion over their religious beliefs. ("These people are dum-dums," concluded Michael, after a hard day's not-selling-any-cake. "They don't know what they're doing." Yes they do, Michael, they're walking smartly away from whatever it is you're trying to sell to them.) Did anyone else feel a bit strange when it became apparent in St Bartholomew's Church just how few of the candidates are left, all of a sudden? Two neat teams of four, and that's it. They all get a chair in the boardroom! The end is too bladdy nigh for me.So, let me try and get this right: Lucinda led the team we're calling Lucalpha, which was her, Raef, Lee McQueen and Claire; and Helene led the team we're calling Helaissance, which was her, Michael, Sara and Alex. I'm not saying Helaissance were useless, but Alex shone from their ranks. In other words, I am saying they were useless. (He'd had a haircut, too, which surely isn't in the rules, is it?) Each team had to pick one wedding dress and one other "wedding service" (no, not that kind of service) to flog at the NEC to dum-dums. We learned a lot about gender, as this was seen as a girls' task, hence the girls declaring, "I'm a girl," at every opportunity. Helene, whose leadership qualities mainly comprise her being the team-member you'd have most trouble knocking over with a jeep, made a fatal mistake early on, despite being "a girl", which was to split up her already compact team into smaller teams and allow each mini-team, or sub-team, to see half of the wedding dresses; thus, the decision was made by batphone and with no rhyme or reason. They chose the mid-price dresses which came in Jordan and Jodie Marsh, and some stupidly expensive cake from Putney (they can afford expensive cake in Putney). So much for being "girls". Lucalpha, led by a confident Lucinda, nabbed the two-and-a-half-grand Ian Stuart creations - a designer with no surname - which served the essential dramatic purpose of not selling all day and then only selling minutes before the takings were taken away in little cash tins by Nick and Margaret. Phew! Meanwhile, Lee McQueen set about selling be-sloganned knickers and flip-flops to giggling ladies. He also tried to sell them something called a "fong" by pretending they weren't as fat as he knew they were. (Let's be honest, he was brilliant. Although he clawed back some comedy points during his team's reward: three edits in a "top" health spa called Energy Factory or something, during which he indulged in some weird Eastern rituals in the "Fire Zone" - that's what he's chantin' about!)
Alex correctly noted that telesales is not the same as selling face-to-face, hence Michael's utter telefailure at it. "I'm just worried you're going to regret this if you don't do it," he said to a bride-to-be who sensibly asked her groom-to-be if she should buy a "high end" perspex tray of cup cakes instead of what's known as a "wedding cake" for her "wedding", and her groom-to-be specified the latter. "You're going to pay two hundred quid more for a traditional cake and it's going to look dull," he said. "I mean, this is your bloody wedding! God above!" he continued, a good half-Jewish boy you'll recall from his fictional CV - then he went for the kill: "GO ON!" (This sort of technique goes like a bomb on the phone, apparently.) Sara, who it turns out is a barrister - unless they meant she works in a coffee shop as a barista, although I doubt she has the personality for that - was less irritating than Michael but just as shit at selling cake. All she could do was bang on about the "taste". Still, at least it wasn't Raef who was selling - he'd shown his true colours early on: "I think we need to remember that those people in a Size 16-32 dress (he meant between a size 16 and a size 32, but he obviously gets his butler to buy dresses for his girlfriends), are a size 16-and-32 (ditto) for a reason - they love cake." He was clearly cast as the light relief this week: first, he was seen running at the beginning as if in a 1940s public information film - that's not a 19-40 public information film - and then he had to don the statutory bear suit. (Wasn't someone in an animal suit at a zoo last year?) He's going to make it into the final three, isn't he? Along with Claire, who was as good as carried aloft at shoulder-height by Margaret and Sir Alan and paraded through the streets under a stream of ticker tape. And Lee McQueen. Alex, although he made three-quarters of his team's sales and went a bit red when Sir Alan sent him away, will go out next week, I predict. That will wipe the smile off his face that he's been desperately trying to wipe off himself, from the inside.
Sir Alan eventually fired Sara - fair enough, she was using up valuable oxygen. ("The taste is not an issue, is it? The taste? You like the taste, don't you? Of course you do - it's the taste!") He theatrically almost fired Michael as well, sick of his Bambi-eyed admissions of guilt and culpability, but Michael had one last teletrick up his telesleeve: crawling on his belly and begging, proving himself devoid of self-respect or dignity. He was like the man on the Titanic who wrapped a shawl around him and stepped into the lifeboat with the women and children. Worse than that. (GO ON!) In the end, though, it was a taxi for Sara, who had her head pushed in the metaphorical bladdy cake for being an "air-raid siren" apparently, although I doubt many people would take to their Anderson shelters if Sara's voice rang out through the PA system of wartorn London during the Blitz. "Taaaaa-aaaa-aaaaaa-a-aaa-aaaste!"
Let us leave Lucalpha at the spa in their comedy robes, sipping tea which, Claire concluded, "tastes like leaves."
Recaps: Week One, Week Two, Week Three, Week Four, Week Five, Week Six, Week Chicken
posted by Andrew Collins @ 12:05 AM
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Yes it was obvious really - he doesn't like gobby birds, and he doesn't like faces being pulled at him either.
But then he doesn't like crawlers either so surely - surely - Mikey has to go next. I predict tears before Boardroom next week if he gets the task leader job he reckons he's made for.
I think Alex might be being saved for the endgame and will be fired as fourth placed contender. That's gonna hurt.
For all her smugness I wouldn't be at all surprised now if Claire wins it. She has enough horse sense to know when to shut up and enough common sense to do something useful from time to time, which, amongst this lot is gold star material. It seems Sir Alan appreciates her street smarts.
I was amused by Nick's expression after Sir Alan sensationally didn't fire Michael - "Are you mad Sir Alan?"
"No, Nick, I'm your Boss" the thought bubbles could have been saying.
Margaret becomes more cutting as the weeks roll by; I wonder if one day she might flip, interrupt Sir Alan and roundly bollock the contestants herself...maybe not.
Mrs Office Pest spotted the fatal flaw straight away - no one goes to Birmingham to buy wedding cake, whether miniaturised or full sized; if you go at all it's apparently all about things ladies like to buy on their own, frocks and skimpies etc. I wonder why no-one seemed able to articulate this.
Anyway, next we have the tissue episode. A tenner says that next week during Boardroom Sir Alan will say either, "Tissues? Tissue of lies more like!" and/or "Tissues? - you'll need them Michael, to dry your tears - because You're FIRED".
Roll on next Wednesday.
I think they also had someone in a bearsuit when they had to sell things at Harrods - was that series 1 or 2?
Lucinda is brill - what a style icon
Sarah
Can't remember if it was Sophocles or Sara who said this but one of them definitely suggested that the bride-to-be should discuss an issue with her 'husband'.
Which rather ignored the fact that they were at a pre-wedding show.
There have been plenty of people in this and previous series I would cross the road to avoid. But I think Sophocles is the only one I have developed a genuine personal dislike for. His winge that 'any intelligent person' would have known not to split the teams - when it was his idea in the first place - was particularly nauseous.
I also enjoyed Helene's assertion that she didn't like any of the people in the house on a personal level and would sack them all if she worked with them. So ideal team-leader material.
Funny how Michael has descended rapidly from the chattering talking heads' favourite - "I'm really liking Michael"; "Hmm, yes, Michael Sophocles"; "nice and quiet not like all the others" - to being everyone's bete noir. None of them seem to acknowledge this as they all clamour to claim how much they've always disliked him.
Similarly, Claire, who was roundly disliked early on, is now the new Ruth Badger, and can do no wrong. The only similarities between Claire and Ruth are they're both from the West Midlands and somewhat portly. Badger at least had an eye for a deal. Claire is still phenomenally stupid at times, but not many seem to have noticed this....
Claire running was far funnier than Raef. She looked like one of those Weebles that "wobble but don't fall down".
Lee McQueen's "That's what I'm talking about" is beginning to wear thin, particularly at the beginning when he said it for no real reason - "Team Alpha - that's what I'm talking abaaaat !!". Surely they've all been in both teams by now ?
We saw Lee McQueen's softer focused bully-boy routine this week fanks to his ability to sell fongs.
But I liked the way Lucinda put Lee in his place and he backed down - is she adding a bit of steel to her kookiness?
Sara believes in style over substance, but sadly lacks the style too - so she deserved to go. Michael's sulky face gets more punchable each week.
Helene is a waste of space. Ditto Alex the wannabe Lynx model. Claire is still overly-smug, but is this year's Badger without a doubt.
This week's biggest disappointment was Raef's hair. It was a horrible mess - ill-judged bear costume notwithstanding - and people simply ignored him and his bonce. The power of the hair has been diminished, a bit like Samson shorn of his locks. Raef is a dead man walking (albeit with incredible posture).
Two highlights that haven't been mentioned yet.
1) Suralan saying they should have done better because they had a "captured audience". Either he meant 'captive' or he knows something about Birmingham we don't.
2) Margaret's look in the boardroom when Lee was talking about selling 'fongs'. To be honest, I imagine it was from a different time and cut in during the editing, but I don't care, I haven't laughed so much in ages.
Not a classic epsiode but very enjoyable nonetheless. Raef's hair at 6.30am when frances called the house was priceless - he looked like he had recently plugged his fingers into an electric socket.
The continuity was poor - Sara left the Boardroom in a skirt and appeared at her taxi in trousers - proof once more that all the exits are filmed at the start of the series. I agree that Claire looks like winning it now, sadly. She has calmed down quite a bit and is really fitting into that Ruth Badger role.
It was clear from the start that Helene's team was going to struggle to win. Michael is an idiot, and was very close to a firing himself last night (or was it just dramatic effect - how would the schedulers dealt with a double firing for a second week running?). Helene's face when she heard that Lucinda had trounced her was fantastic. The decision to split the sub teams geographical ended up being the team's downfall.
Michael and Sara's hard sell tactics were cringeworthy. Who the hell wants those two trying to flog you a wedding cake and then suggesting that rather than ringing the groom for his opinion, it owuld be easier to just put a deposit down first ON A LOAD OF FAIRYCAKES. Unbelieveable.
Margaret Mountford's facial expression when Lee McQueen talked about selling fongs was superb - well picked up Adrian Chiles who painted a scary picture of Margaret's lingerie habits.
With only a few shows yet, I reckon Claire, Raef and Lucinda in the last 3.
Is Claire really from the West Midlands? She sounds decidely more Nothern to me. West Yorkshire I reckon. I suppose I could look it up somewhere but can't be arsed.
Proof last night that Frances's message is a recorded one. Raef (I think it was he who answered the phone) asked "Frances" something and tried to get a conversation going. There was no reply from the other end. Raef was talking to a machine.
Ah, Claire's confusing accent, which unfortunately reminds me of Channelle's, off of Big Brother (what short memories you have). According to the website, Claire is Johannesburg-born, "convent educated" (doesn't say where), undertook a degree in Equine Science, and completed three seasons as a Club 18-30 holiday rep in Magaluf. She seems to be now based in Tooting, South London. Doesn't help, does it?
Maybe oldnathan and AC have it right? Channelle is from Wakefield, so maybe there is a West Yorks accent connection??
I think Claire's accent is pure telephone voice .... but all the time!
I too noticed that they all had seats - normally by this stage they've got rid of all the hopeless duffers but that would take a lot more effort this year.
If someone told me that the most important thing about a wedding cake was the taste then I'd probably just laugh out loud at them before I realised that they were serious.
'Helene, whose leadership qualities mainly comprise her being the team-member you'd have most trouble knocking over with a jeep, made a fatal mistake early on'
I liked this very much.
Alex is like the chubby Paul character from a series or two ago. All sales and nothing much else.
As someone who lived and worked in the West Midlands for seven years, she's definately got a trace of "yam yam" in her voice.
Hw could anyone forget Chanelle - "I joost wanna gerr herrm Zokk"
When Michael was begging Siralan to keep him in last night and there was that long pause, I was desperate for Siralan to just say 'no, you're fired'. He surely must be going next week when he is pm (although didn't he say after the chicken article that he was going to be pm this week?).
Zoe
I love that bonkers chemistry between Lucinda and Lee. I think the 2 of them should star together in a sit-com. Fancy writing one for them Andrew?
Raef's hair was a particular highlight this week. It looks like he's cultivating a HUGE chestnut mushroom on his scalp. He looked amazing when he had it all slicked down in order to accomodate the bear's head.
I think Claire will ultimately win although I would love to see Lucinda become this year's Apprentice.
I'm not too bothered who goes next but I would like to see swift exits from dreary Alex, repugnant Michael and evil Helene.
Splitting her team was a bad move but fortunately Michael and the nasal "barrista" were truly awful and this saved Helene.
She made no attempt to save herself in the boardroom.
She should have claimed that she was unlucky in that Lucinda's team made three sales at the end of the day. Surely a commitment to more mass market products which drive a regular level of sales rather than a high risk high return product would have appealed to SrAlun.
Can anyone help me understand why the fong and glittery neglige seller thought her products were perfectly aligned with the £2,000+ dresses rather than the Jodie Marsh specials?
Richard
Andrew, I noticed that you posted your blog at around 5pm yesterday before the show was aired. Am I right in thinking you get your own copy to view. If so, when, and how many weeks ahead are you? It's a perk I know, not a crime, I'm just curious.
Andrew, have you emailed the producers of the BBC2 show to ask to become a panellist yet? You should.
Why's everyone talking about the final 3. It was a final 4 at the interview stage last year then whittled to the 2 finalists.
Saw something I've never seen before on The Apprentice last night - Lucinda's team worked hard, worked well together, made good decisions and generally all acted like a team of normal intelligent beings.
Surely Michael's got to get sacked next week. He is a complete and utter twat.
Did people like Michael? His lack of respect for people makes me really cross.
Dum dums, my arse! :)
"Did anyone else feel a bit strange when it became apparent in St Bartholomew's Church just how few of the candidates are left..." Yes. Definite change in atmosphere now, like when the World Cup gets beyond halfway - you're sad that it's coming to an end but the thing itself is also somehow sadder. By the end you're mostly depressed by it! Anyway...
I wanted Helene and her 'I'm a one thousand-year-old woman, you know, surrounded by children' seen it all complacent drawl to go. Sopho's got a version of that going on but I'd miss his mature sales technique and looks of happy contentment when it inevitably works. And to be fair to him he only said (after who knows how much thinking time) "an intelligent person would've sent ...", he didn't say that he was an intelligent person. Just as well.
Lee McQueen was good with the public but I do question the wisdom of guessing someone to be a smaller size than they appear - some people might be embarrassed and pretend to be a size closer to the guess than they are. It's also quite impertinent and pointless.
My favourite dress was the dark grey one Lucinda had on for a few seconds, looked great with her tousled blonde hair and glasses. Since you ask. (Could "he's good" Alex have said that? Don't think so.)
The pink and black articles did look odd next to the designer dresses. Probably the seller just thought an exclusive name would draw visitors to their stand. I'm not sure normal rules of anything apply at that event and the confusion levels must be exceptional. The only certainty was that no one on earth could've sold that cake.
Just wanted to say - totally agree that Michael should have gone this week, although with the double firing of The Jens last week, his absence would have left the show without its one true villain, and the world would seem an emptier place. He MUST stay for a little longer, if only to give me something to shout "..a-BOOOO!" at...
And besides, his Bambi eyes aren't a patch on Sara's "Puss-in-Boots-from-Shrek" offering...
Ahhh, I feel better now.
Richard said: "She made no attempt to save herself in the boardroom" (re: Sara).
Absolutely -- when Sophocles was trying to bend the truth (yet again) and tell Helene (and Sralan) that he *DID* try to persuade Helene very strongly of the benefits of the Ian Stuart designer dresses, not only was he talking tosh ... but it was Sara who was the one who really DID try to persuade Helene (according to the footage I recall).
A priceless quip from Sara early on in the show (after having chosen the multi coloured cakes and multi coloured dresses): "I think we've got a very task ahead of us tomorrow."
ANDREW COLLINS (on Sophocles): "Good Lord, the weasely, sad-eyed little prick actually said, in all seriousness (because every little thing he does is in all seriousness) that Central London is closer to North London than South London"
Well that is a typical skewed view of someone who lives north of the river -- they always view "sarf London" as some kind of black hole where London life ceases to exist. They are fools, fools, as those of us who live south of the Thames know. After all who has trains direct into Charing Cross in the very HEART of theatreland (not on the 'outskirts' of central London, like Paddington, or Liverpool Street) -- us SARF Londoners!
And where are all London distances measured from? Charing Cross, that's where.
(Sorry for late comment -- have been mega busy at work all day!)
Bitter&Twisted, I've no idea why my blog entry came up as 5pm - I posted it at just past midnight. I have no "in" with BBC2, I just watch it when it goes out, just like everybody else. And I prefer it that way - just as I prefer to see films at the cinema, when they're out, with other people. (I've altered the time of the entry now, and will look into it the next time I post a new one, which will be in about half an hour.)
And Jake - as I think you're hinting - the last time I emailed the producer of a show and asked to be on, it was Newsnight Review in 2004. I was on it once, and then never called back. (I can take a hint.) So I'm not going to ask anyone again. If they want me, they can come and find me. I'm happy writing about it on here for anyone who's interested. Just as I'm happy recording the podcast for anyone who's interested. You can get too stressed about by what you're not doing, and forget to enjoy what you are are doing.
(Interesting that all the papers are doing weekly reviews of The Apprentice now, including the Mail. We bloggers started it.
Simon B - in respect of the point you made about Lee with the sizing, I have to say that I think that this would work a charm on most women. Believe me, it's much more effective than doing it the other way round, whcih is what happened when I was looking at wedding dresses and the snotty woman asked me if I wanted a 16 or an 18. I'm only a 12!!! Needless to say, she did not get my custom.
Zoe
I don't think the cakes were this big mistake its being claimed. Lee McQueen bust his ass all day for five hundred quid's worth of pants. If one cake (or more!) had been sold it would have been a different story in the boardroom and they would have been praised for their higher risk/higher reward strategy a la the posh dresses.
And I reckon there were a few people at the show in the market for a cake. I've been to a wedding show with my husband-to-be and we might have bought a cake if we'd seen one we liked.
Having had a wedding I can also confirm that the most important thing about the cake is what it looks like. All this nonsense about taste - honestly.
So I blame the crap sales people for this one. And the naff choice of dresses.
It might be more or less accurate to describe the NEC as being in Birmingham, but it's not really relevant where it is. It's not the Bull Ring, it's a huge warehouse by the airport. I didn't hear too many Birmingham accents amongst the potential customers.
While I'm here, the Michael Sophocles character is certainly an odious shit on any dimension you care to mention. He cannot be fired yet, as he surely adds a million to the viewing figures, people tuning in purely to see him eventually get the finger. And to witness what he actually has to do to prove his lack of worth?
Michael, Helene, Alex - Let them eat shit!
I have the funny feeling that Sophocles is being kept in purely to be ripped to indescribably small pieces by Sirallun's utter git interviewer pals (the only ones who call him Alan to his face). Just thinking of the short work they have made of chancers throught the last three series is going to make me feel a bit cheated if he doesn't get that far.
Geek alert: Your timing of 5 pm will be because the software thinks (and probably is) on the West coast of America.
Zoe I'll take your word for it. I can see that Lee McQueen's way is better than risking guessing too big like that perceptive woman who didn't serve you. I just thought it was a bit presumptuous to guess at all - someone might even think he was being sarcastic, possibly. But thinking about it I think I'd prefer to be served by someone in a bear suit most of the time.
Missed a word out of the sentence I quoted yesterday.
(Sara) actually said:
"I think we've got a very DIFFICULT task ahead of us tomorrow."
NOTE TO SELF: don't even try to comment on blogs on busy days at work, I will only make a hash of it, trying to keep the blog comment screen minimalised behind my real work!
(from an idea by herbalicious)
Coming this summer to BBC1, "That's what I'm talkin about" the new sitcom from Andrew Collings and Michael Sophocles.
Ep1: "Going for a thong". Lee has a new job as a knicker salesman, but Lucinda isn't impressed when he starts to enjoy trying out the goods.
Ep2, "A very beret Christmas". Stuck for Christmas present ideas and determined that Lucinda should change her "look", Lee sets out on the shopping trip from hell.
Ep3. Er maybe not...
I adored this episode. Raef, Lucinda, Lee and Claire on one team was my favourite, and all the idiots were on the other, so it was right that they lost.
One of the best moments was Raef talking about Size 16 women and cake. heehee!
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