Essential animal notes
The Apprentice: The Final
One final time with the credits sequence:
Camera pans across London for the foreign buyers, especially Americans, they love this shit: Canary Wharf, the London Eye, the Gherkin, a kindly Beefeater giving directions to a chimney sweep as the Krays cycle past in Pearly King suits. We "meet" the candidates as they walk stiffly across bridges and down corridors wheeling little suitcases behind them, which, we must assume, contain their egos. There's Alex, loving the camera. Does he look 24 to you? Blimey, that's young! There's Lindi, heading for oblivion. There's all 16 of them, coming over the horizon like the astronauts in Armageddon, except in cheap suits and air-hostess scarves and so slick with hair products they could oil the wheels of industry.
Voiceover:
Behold! Sir Alan Sugar! He's worth upwards of a hundred thousand pounds. Look, he's reading the Financial Times in a helicopter. I bet you don't do that, scum.
Sir Alan:
This is the job interview from hell! That means it's like a job interview, but it's worse. As if it came from hell. Which is a place worse than Brentwood. Ha ha ha! I'm not bladdy Florence Nightgale! Don't say you're just like me, because you're not! I'm unique! I rule Brentwood, in Essex! I actually rule it, like a king! Ha ha ha!
Voiceover:
Oh, let's cut to the chase.
Sir Alan: [IN MONTAGE]
Y'fired. Y'fired. I should fire the whole bladdy lot of ya! Y'fired!
ENTIRE COUNTRY SWITCHES OVER FROM SWITZERLAND-TURKEY MATCH, DESPITE THE FACT THAT SEMIH SENTURK HAS JUST EQUALISED RISING HIGH TO NOD NIHAT'S PASS GOALWARDS, DIEGO BENAGLIO DOING NOTHING MORE THAN PARRYING THE BALL INTO THE NET. WHO CARES? IT'S THE APPRENTICE! PARLIAMENT HAS ALREADY RUSHED THROUGH THE INSANE 42-DAY DETENTION RULING SO THAT MPS CAN GET BACK TO THEIR WESTMINSTER FLATS IN TIME FOR THE SHOW. EVEN THE MISERABLE, SOUR-FACED DEMOCRATIC UNIONIST PARTY, THIS TIME LAUGHING UP THEIR SLEEVES. THEY'RE SO HAPPY TO HAVE BECOME THE MOST IMPORTANT PARTY IN THE COMMONS AND NOT TO HAVE DONE ANY SWEETENER DEALS WITH THE GOVERNMENT, THEY DON'T EVEN CARE WHO WINS! LEE? CLUR? ALEX? THE OTHER ONE?
Scene 1. Int. The House. 30 minutes before the candidates need to be somewhere, despite all that ironing they have to do
ALEX PROVIDES FIRST GOOD OMEN FOR HIMSELF BY GETTING TO THE PHONE FIRST. HIS HAIR IS ALL OVER THE PLACE, STICKING UP, STICKING OUT. AT LEAST HE WON'T HAVE TO WASTE ANY TIME ON IT DURING THE NEXT 30 MINUTES.
VOICE OF FRANCES, DUBBED ON LATER [ON PHONE]:
The cars are picking you up in 30 minutes! Oh, and by the way, it's the final!
ALEX CATWALKS OFF
Scene 2. Ext. The House. 30 minutes later - no, really, 30 minutes, each of those minutes lasting 60 seconds, later, that's 30 minutes after the phone was put down, 30 minutes, half an hour between then and now
CLUR, ALEX, LEE McQUEEN AND THE OTHER ONE - OH, ALRIGHT HELENE - ENTER THE PEOPLE CARRIERS FOR THE LAST TIME. FOR THREE OF THEM, THEY WILL NEVER TRAVEL IN A PEOPLE CARRIER OR COME TO GLAMOROUS LONDON EVER AGAIN. ONE OF THEM WILL NEVER AGAIN NOT TRAVEL IN A PEOPLE CARRIER OR COME TO GLAMOROUS LONDON AGAIN, BASED, AS HE OR SHE WILL BE, IN ESSEX, NOT IN LONDON
VOICEOVER:
The candidates are meeting Sir Alan at the most famous empty warehouse space in London. Can you imagine how famous it must be? Tourists flock to see it, even though it's empty.
Scene 3. Int. London's Most Famous Empty Brick Building, London. Day
THE CANDIDATES ARE LINED UP ON THE LEFT, NICK AND MARGARET ON THE RIGHT, WITH NICK AND MARGARET'S AGENTS BEHIND THEM, TAKING CONSTANT CALLS FROM I'M A CELEBRITY AND DANCING ON ICE. AFTER ABOUT 10 MINUTES, SIR ALAN EMERGES, LIKE DARTH VADER, FROM A DOOR SOME 50 YARDS AWAY. HE TAKES HIS TIME. HE'S NOT BLADDY MOTHER THERESA
SIR ALAN [CLEARLY HUNGOVER AFTER HIS INAPPROPRIATE SLAP-UP DINNER OF STEAK WITH TRUFFLES ON IT LAST NIGHT WITH THE CANDIDATES, AT WHICH, ALTHOUGH IT'S A BIT OF A BLADDY BLUR, HE SLEPT WITH CLUR AND TOLD LEE HE WAS GOING TO WIN, OR WAS IT THE OTHER WAY ROUND?]:
Good morning.
CANDIDATES:
Morning, Sir Alan.
CLUR BLUSHES. SO DOES LEE. WE MUST NEVER SPEAK OF LAST NIGHT AGAIN
SIR ALAN:
This is an empty space, a bit like Michael Sophocles's head. But you're gonna fill it with your business acumen. I'm gonna split you into two teams: Lee and Clur [HE BLUSHES - WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?], and Alex and the Other One, oh alright, Helene. You're all team leaders, which is in no way a recipe for disaster, and you're gonna need some help, so I've done something that happens every series and yet you're gonna look as surprised as those Sex & the City skirts every time Samantha arrives from LA in the film.
LIKE A BAD MEMORY, IN TROOP SIX OF THE PRODUCERS' FAVOURITE FIRED CANDIDATES: SIMON, MICHAEL, JENNYFER, JENNYFER, RAEF AND MATT, ALL OF WHOM ACCEPT THAT THIS BRIEF REPRIEVE MERELY RUBS SALT IN THE WOUND OF THEIR FAILURE TO WIN BUT AT LEAST GETS THEM ON TELLY ONE LAST TIME. ACTUALLY, MATT STILL THINKS HE CAN WIN IT
MATT LUCAS: [SINCERELY AND EARNESTLY]
The reason I'm glad to be invited back is that I was fired at the wrong time, which is any time before now really, as I am great, and I am brilliant. Now I get my chance to outperform the so-called final four and be crowned as Sir Alan's Apprentice!
SIR ALAN:
Right, first pick your teams.
ONE TEAM, CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH, PICKS THREE OF THE FIRED PEOPLE, THE OTHER TEAM PICKS TWO, AND SINCE NOBODY WANTS ICE-FACED JENNIFER, SHE GETS PUT ON THE OTHER TEAM. I BET SHE ALWAYS GOT PICKED LAST FOR HOCKEY AT TRINITY TOO, UNLESS IT WAS ICE HOCKEY, IN WHICH CASE THEY COULD SKATE ON HER FACE
SIR ALAN:
Right, you're gonna invent a fragrance, a men's fragrance, for men, which is a perfume for men, which is a smell in a bottle, for men, not ladies, I know it's crazy, and you're gonna launch it right here, in this empty room, in front of the most famous perfume people in the whole wide world, which sadly includes Givenchy, which I can't bladdy pronounce because it's a poof's word. Now go off and do this thing. And don't get any funny ideas that you might win because I slept with you last night, or told you you was gonna win, because what happens over steak and truffles, stays over steak and truffles. Now fack off! And may the best Lee win. I mean: man.
Scene 4. Int. Some office. Day
CLUR AND LEE McQUEEN'S TEAM - WE'LL CALL THEM CLUREEN - ARE BRAINSTORMING A NAME, A SMALL AND A BOTTLE. JENNYFER, SIMON AND MICHAEL RESPECTFULLY CONTRIBUTE NOTHING
LEE McQUEEN:
Let's call it "Psssst!", which is, like, right, like the sound a bottle of perfume makes when you press it, but also the sound of a man trying to attract your attention if, like, you're a woman, right, which is what a perfume, like, does, right? It also sounds like "Pisssed!", which is what you'd have to be to get off with me.
IN ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME OFFICE, ALEX AND HELENE'S TEAM - WE'LL CALL THEM HELEX - ARE BRAINSTORMING A NAME, A SMELL AND A BOTTLE. JENNYFER AND RAEF RESPECTFULLY CONTRIBUTE NOTHING. MATT LUCAS, MEANWHILE, WAITS FOR HIS MOMENT
ALEX:
What about ... not thinking of a name?
SILENCE
HELENE:
Great! Let's action that, but action it with balls. Why don't we go off in a car to not think of a name, while you go off in another car to another place and we'll not think of a name in two different places?
ALEX'S MOUTH SHIFTS UNCOMFORTABLY SOMEWHERE BETWEEN HIS EAR AND HIS CHEEK
INSET: LEE McQUEEN
LEE McQUEEN: [TO CAMERA]
I want this because I want it. No, I want it because I want it. That's all there is to it. Nobody else wants it, or at least they might fink they want it, but not like I want it. I want it a lot. I want it more than that, even.
Scene 5. Int. People Carrier. Day
HELENE IS ON THE PHONE TO ALEX. THEY ARE READING PROSPECTIVE NAMES OUT TO EACH OTHER
HELENE:
Balls.
ALEX:
Aroma.
HELENE:
Balls.
ALEX:
Aroma.
HELENE:
We hate Aroma. What about Balls?
ALEX:
We like Aroma.
HELENE:
We like Balls.
HELENE LOOKS AROUND AT JENNYFER AND RAEF FOR MORAL SUPPORT, WHO BOTH RESPECTFULLY KEEP RIGHT OUT OF IT
ALEX:
Aroma.
ALEX LOOKS ROUND AT MATT LUCAS FOR MORAL SUPPORT, WHO KEEPS HIS POWDER DRY, BIDING HIS TIME, WAITING FOR THE CHANCE TO POUNCE
HELENE:
Balls.
ALEX:
Aroma.
HELENE:
Alright: Testicles.
ALEX:
We hate that. What about Connect?
HELENE:
We hate that. What about Bollocks?
ALEX:
We hate that. Gay Juice?
HELENE:
Big Hetero Gonads?
ALEX:
I'll tell you ours in reverse order: Connect, Connection, Connected.
HELENE:
They're all shit. We hate them all. We hate all three of your names.
ALEX:
Stop panicking.
HELENE:
I'm not panicking. You're panicking.
ALEX:
I'm not panicking.
HELENE:
But they're all shit and I'm late for a meeting and I've got to go.
ALEX:
You're panicking, and it's making me panicky.
HELENE:
I've got to go.
ALEX:
Stop panicking.
HELENE:
I'm really glad they put me with you. I can't stand Clur or Lee, so that leaves you.
ALEX:
Why are you panicking? Just because we haven't got a name or a smell or a bottle. Why panic? Don't panic! Don't panic!
HELENE:
What's wrong with Balls? Men like balls. I work with men and they like my balls.
ALEX:
Do they like you panicking?
HELENE:
I can't hear you, you're breaking up.
ALEX:
That's because my mouth is round the back of my head and it's speaking through a wall of gel.
INSET: CLUR
CLUR: [TO CAMERA, TEARS ROLLING DOWN HER CHEEKS]
I've been on a journeeeey. I wanted it when I started my journeeeey and now I want it even more, because of the journeeeeey I've been on. I don't think the other candidates have thuuurt. What's their journeeey been? I mean, realleee?
Scene 6. Int. Working class caff. Day
CLUR AND MICHAEL ARE "MARKET RESEARCHING" WHAT MEN PLUMBERS LIKE TO SMELL
MICHAEL:
So do you like to smell like a filthy, sweaty plumber, or a gay woman?
PLUMBER:
A filthy, sweaty plumber.
MICHEAL MAKES A NOTE OF THIS ON HIS CLIPBOARD
CLUR:
Would anybody here like to be my boyfriend?
PLUMBER:
Sorry, luv, I've got another job to go to, and then I've got to pick the kiddy up from school. I could get back on, say, Friday?
Scene 7. Int. The same design company they always use. Day
ALEX AND MATT LUCAS ARE EXPLAINING WHAT THEY WANT TO THE PATIENT PRODUCT DESIGNERS
ALEX:
We don't know what we want.
DESIGNER:
I see.
THE DESIGNERS LOOK BLANKLY AT EACH OTHER AND AT ALEX. ONE OF THEM DRAWS A COCK AND BALLS ON HIS PAD AND WRITES "ALEX" ABOVE IT, THEN SHIELDS IT FROM ALEX'S VIEW WITH HIS ARM. TIME PASSES. NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING. IT IS AN IMPASSE. A MEXICAN STAND-OFF. THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY. NO NAME. NO BOTTLE. NO DESIGN. NO APPRENTICE. MATT LUCAS SPOTS HIS CHANCE AND TAKES IT
MATT LUCAS:
What about if the bottle was like a stress ball?
MORE BLANK LOOKS. THIS IS SUCH AN OUTLANDISH, HALLUCINOGENIC SUGGESTIONS, EVEN THREE MEN WHO DID AN ART DEGREE CANNOT GET THEIR HEADS AROUND IT
MATT LUCAS:
Alright, too radical for you. What about if the perfume was like a Chinese burn? No? What about if the box the bottle comes in was like an exercise bike? What if the shop that sold the perfume was like Gerry Cottle? No?
DESIGNER:
What if the bottle came in two bits?
MATT LUCAS:
I've got it! What if the bottle came in two bits?
ALEX'S MOUTH DETACHES ITSELF FROM THE REST OF HIS 24-YEAR-OLD FACE AND HOVERS NEXT TO IT - THE EUREKA MOMENT
INSET: ALEX
ALEX: [TO CAMERA]
I want this. I've wanted it ever since I was 23, and I'm 24 now. I know I'm not as long in the tooth as the others, but that's because I am 24 and they're all - what? - 32 or something. Some of them are 33, I'm pretty sure. And they're washed up. They're menopausal and that's not helpful in a work environment is it? A load of dried up old women who've stopped having periods and men with erectile dysfunction and bad hearing and everything. How can they want it as much as me? They can't.
Scene 8. Int. A bar. Day
LEE McQUEEN IS DIRECTING THE ADVERT FOR CLUREEN'S PERFUME, WHICH HAS A NAME AND A SMELL AND A BOTTLE, AND IS CALLED "MISERY". AN UNEXPRESSIVE MALE MODEL WHO LOOKS DISCONCERTINGLY LIKE ALEX IS DRESSED AS JAMES BOND AND AN UNEXPRESSIVE FEMALE MODEL IS DRESSED AS A HIGH CLASS CALL GIRL. AS THE CAMERAS ROLL, LEE FINDS HIS INNER PORN DIRECTOR
LEE McQUEEN:
Imagine you really like him. Imagine you really, really like him. Like, you are lookin' at him, right, and you are finking: I really like you, and I really like your fragrance. That's it! Imagine you are his girlfriend. That's it! You are his girlfriend and he is, like, your boyfriend and everyfing, and if you play your cards right, as this is a casino, right, you could, like, go out with him for probably longer than a week, and if you really get on together, which you will if he keeps wearing that perfume, maybe you could tell your friends about it, and introduce him to to your mum and dad. That's it! Yeah!
INSET: HELENE
HELENE [TO CAMERA]:
I want this. I really want it. I need it. In fact, I must have it. And I will have it. It will be mine. I'm ballsy. I've got bloody big ballsy balls, and that must count for something? Surely? Come on! I wish these contact lenses didn't make me look like I'm on the verge of tears the whole time, as that in many ways belies my ballsy exterior.
Scene 9. Int. Perfume factory, the English countryside, outside of London, where everything else happens, except Sir Alan's business empire. Day
HELENE IS INVENTING THE PERFUME TO GO WITH THE BOTTLE THAN COMES IN TWO PIECES AND IS NOW CALLED "DUEL" TO SUGGEST THE EARLY STEVEN SPIELBERG FILM ABOUT A MAN, PLAYED BY DENNIS WEAVER, WHO IS TERRORISED BY A BIG LORRY
HELENE: [SNIFFING LITTLE STICKS THAT LOOK TO MUCH LIKE THE ONES YOU GET IN PREGNANCY TEST KITS]
Mmmm, this is lovely, what is it?
MAN IN WHITE COAT:
It's a stick from a pregnancy test kit, sorry about that, my mistake. You're actually smelling your own perfume, which is [SNIFFS THE AIR] yes, I think it's Balles by Lentheric.
HELENE:
Right, well I mustn't let that influence my decision when I pick out our brand new perfume called Duel.
MAN IN WHITE COAT:
Try this, it's chicken dhansak, with an undernote of Cadbury's Caramel and a hint of the Former Yugoslavia.
HELENE:
I love it.
MAN IN WHITE COAT:
Right, let's make you up a few vats of that, then.
HELENE:
You don't think it's too similar to my own scent, Balles by Lentheric? Only I have to pitch it to the most famous perfume men and women in the world.
MAN IN WHITE COAT:
Of course not. Balles by Lentheric is prawn dhansak.
HELENE:
Sold.
MAN IN WHITE COAT:
You're all idiots. You think you can march in here and invent a perfume just by smelling some things? I've been doing this job for 30 years. I trained at the Sorbonne. I can tell the difference between a Labrador and a wet Labrador at 500 yards. I have my nose insured for upwards of a thousands pounds.
HELENE
Victory will be mine. As long as that twat Alex doesn't panic.
Scene 10. Int. London's Most Prestigious Empty Building. Day
ALEX IS PRACTISING HIS PRESENTATION BEHIND A LITTLE LECTERN. THEY HAVE DRESSED THE ROOM BY PUTTING UP SOME BLACK SHEETS WITH THOSE LITTLE TWINKLY LIGHTS IN. THAT'S IT. "DUEL" WILL SPEAK FOR ITSELF.
MATT LUCAS:
If you can't do it, I don't mind stepping in for you. Just say the word. I've even written a few words about my two-bottles idea and how I came up with it. I'm primed.
ALEX:
I'll be fine. I have the arrogance of a 24-year-old. What are you? 29? Perhaps you'd like to sit down and put a blanket over your legs, Granddad. [CLEARS THROAT] "Alex is 24, he's on his way to the top, he lives in Bolton, he won the Apprentice in 2008, and he wants a smell that matches his 24-year-old sense of style and entitlement. He wants ... Duel. It comes in two bottles."
MATT LUCAS:
God that is so boring. It's boring! I could do better than that! Why don't you let me try? Let me! I know I was fired for trying to sell the environment to card manufacturers and I'm just a bank manager from Bath, but I want this.
MEANWHILE, IN THE OTHER HALF OF THE EMPTY SPACE, CLUREEN ARE DRESSING THEIR ROOM SUBTLY WITH GIANT DICE AND PLAYING CARDS, TO HELP GET ACROSS THE JAMES BOND THEME OF "MISERY".
Scene 11. Int. A room in a building. Day
LEE McQUEEN IS REHEARSING HIS PRESENTATION IN FRONT OF SIMON, JENNYFER AND MICHAEL, WHO RESPECTFULLY OFFER NO FEEDBACK OR HELP
LEE McQUEEN:
"Ryan is 26, no 25, no 27, he's an urban guy who lives in the countryside, no he doesn't, shit, hang on, he works for a top-end agency, no he doesn't, he comes from Leeds, no Leicester, he's called John, and he lives in Luton, but he was born in Leytonstone, but he's called Carl, and he's called Ryan, and he lives down the road, and he wants to smell like a woman, no a man, he wants to smell like James Dean, no James Bond, shit, I can't do this, Clur, I can't do it, I'm fucked, we're fucked, we're all fucked, no we're not, yes we are, oh my God, Ryan is a dustman and he wears a dustman's hat, no he doesn't, shit, no, he is called Lee, no he isn't, I'm called Lee, and I want to smell like victory, no I don't, shit, fuck, shit." How was that?
CLUR:
Pretty much word-perfurrrrct.
LEE McQUEEN:
I'm going out to the car park. That's what I'm parkin' about.
CLUR [THINKS]:
Oh my Guurrrrrd. We're going to lose. That twat is going to lose it for us, and I'm not going to be the Apprentice, and I want it. I really want uuuuuuurt.
Scene 12. Ext. Car park. Day
LEE McQUEEN PACES UP AND DOWN, SOMETIMES READING FROM HIS NOTES, SOMETIMES FROM HIS HEAD
LEE McQUEEN:
Shit, start again ... I am Ryan ... no, I am Lee ... I am Ryan, I am 26, no ... I am Lee McQueen ... I am a milkman's son and I am going to learn how to speak English, right here, right now, in this car park, on my own, wiv no help from anyone, if it's the last fing I do. [SHAKES HEAD] This is my quest, right? To follow the star. No matter how hopeless. No matter how far. [BREAKS INTO SONG AS THE MUSIC SWELLS AROUND HIM] To dream the impossible dream. To fight the unbeatable foe. To bear wiv unbearable sorrow. To run where the brave dare not go. To right! The unrightable wrong! To love! Pure and chaste from afar! To try! When your arms are too weary! To reach! The unreachable star!
LEE THROWS OUT HIS ARMS. THE CAMERA PANS UPWARDS INTO AN AERIAL SHOT OF LONDON. HIS FATE IS SEALED. HIS JOURNEY HAS STARTED
Scene 13. Empty Building. Night.
THE SCENE IS SET. THE TWO HALVES OF THE SAME SPACE ARE FULL OF THE WORLD'S TOP SMELL EXPERTS, SOME OF THEM FROM ... COUGH ... GIVENCHY. SIR ALAN IS AMONG THEM AND SPRAYS THE FIRST PERFUME ON HIS HAND, RATHER THAN HIS WRIST. HE DOESN'T DO THIS KIND OF THING. THE ONLY SMELL HE LIKES IS THE SMELL OF MONEY. HELEX'S PRESENTATION BEGINS, WITH SOME EXOTIC KNIFE DANCERS THERE TO SYMBOLISE THE DUELITY OF MAN, OR SOMETHING. MATT LUCAS HAS BEEN GAGGED AND BOUND AND LOCKED IN A CLEANING CUPBOARD
ALEX: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the perfume world. Alex is 24, good-looking, successful, interesting, bright, public school educated, and his parents' business went bust and they had to move out of the family home, but fortunately, there's a new perfume for him that precisely reflects this lifestyle: ladies and gentlemen, we give you ... Duel.
HELENE: There is nothing like it on the market. It is in two bottles.
GASPS FROM THE AUDIENCE: TWO BOTTLES!
ALEX: Any questions? I'm 24 by the way. She's about 50. So bear that in mind.
PERFUME MAN: Can I just say that this is the best and most wonderful perfume I have ever seen or smelt?
THE WHOLE HALF A ROOM ERUPTS IN APPLAUSE. DUEL IS A HIT. IT'S A SENSATION. ALEX AND HELENE MUST HAVE WON, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE LEE McQUEEN IS ABOUT TO MAKE A TIT OF HIMSELF. ALEX STANDS CLOSER TO THE LECTERN TO DISGUISE HIS SEMI. SIR ALAN MAKES A MENTAL NOTE. CUT TO:
CLUREEN'S PRESENTATION BEGINS WITH SOME JUGGLERS JUGGLING GLOW-IN-THE-DARK JUGGLING STICKS. CLUR AND LEE McQUEEN MOUNT THE PODIUM. NICK CAN'T HELP HIMSELF FROM LETTING OUT A LITTLE WHOOP FOR CLUR, WHO IS HIS FAVOURITE
CLUR:
Our perfume is called "Misery". Gambling in this country enjoyed a 43% year-on-year rise in the last year. It's one of the biggest growth areas of growth in the field of growth. Our perfume aims to exploit both the misery of gambling, and the misery of spending too much on perfume. We think it's unique. Over to you, Lee ...
A HUSH DESCENDS OVER THE ASSEMBLED SMELL DIGNITARIES
PERFUME WOMAN:
[TO MAN NEXT TO HER] I wonder if Lee McQueen will be able to speak properly?
MAN:
I think you speak for all of us when you ask that question. Ssshhhhh.
LEE McQUEEN:
[COUGHS] Good evening. [TAKES DEEP BREATH AND TOUCHES TEMPLES WITH HIS FINGERS] Lee is a man. He walks like a man. He shaves his balls like a man. And now he wants to smell like a man. This is his quest. To follow that star. No matter how hopeless. No matter how far! And the world will be better for this! That one man, scorned and covered with scars! Still strove with his last ounce of courage! To reach ... [DRAMATIC PAUSE; AUDIENCE IS ON THE EDGE OF ITS SEAT] ... the unreachable star! Fangyewverymuch.
THE WHOLE OF LONDON GIVES HIM A STANDING OVATION. THE CROWD AT THE ST JAKOB PARK STADIUM IN BASEL, WHERE THE SWITZERLAND-TURKEY MATCH IS STILL ON HOLD, DO A MEXICAN WAVE. LEE'S DONE IT. HE'S SPOKEN SOME WORDS! BELLS CHIME OUT ACROSS THE CAPITAL. GORDON BROWN VOTES AGAINST THE INHUMAN 42 DAY DETENTION WITHOUT CHARGE RULING IN A LAST MINUTE EMERGENCY SESSION. TICKERTAPE DESCENDS. BALLOONS ARE RELEASED FROM A NET ON THE CEILING. SIR ALAN MAKES A MENTAL NOTE, BUT THEN ... A PERFUME MAN STANDS UP. SILENCE
PERFUME MAN: But isn't gambling ... a bad thing?
PERFUME WOMAN: Yes, isn't gambling ... a bad thing? As in, bad?
PERFUME MAN: How can we possibly sell a perfume based on gambling, which has bad connotations?
CLUR: Ah yes, but our perfume isn't about gambling, you see.
SIGHS OF RELIEF ALL ROUND
Scene 14. TV studio dressed to look like boardroom, with chippies on hand to take it to bits at any moment. Day
SIR ALAN IS LOWERED ONTO HIS SPECIAL HIGH CHAIR ON A WINCH. THE ASSEMBLED TEAMS LOOK NERVOUS, EXCEPT FOR SIMON, JENNYFER, MICHAEL, JENNYFER AND RAEF, WHO RESPECTFULLY KEEP QUIET AND DON'T GET INVOLVED. MATT LUCAS GRIPS THE TABLE, WAITING FOR HIS MOMENT
SIR ALAN:
So, "Misery"? What a bladdy disaster. A perfume for gamblers? There's no way you two can win.
CLUR:
But it's not about gambling.
NICK:
I'm afraid to me, misery=debt, debt=gambling.
SIR ALAN: [TO REST OF TEAM]
What was these two like as team leaders?
SIMON: Impeccable. I have always loved and admired Clur and I admire her and love her even more now. Clur, I love you. If you want a boyfriend who's very much shaving cream, toothpaste and go, I'm your man.
MICHAEL:
They were both the opposite of dum-dums.
JENNYFER:
I hope they both win.
JENNYFER'S FACE STARTS TO CRACK. SMALL SHARDS OF ICE TINKLE ONTO THE BOARDROOM TABLE
SIMON:
I wouldn't want your job, Sir Alan.
SIR ALAN:
That's lucky. [TURNS TO HELEX] Well done, the best perfume ever invented. [TO REST OF TEAM] And what was these two like as team leaders?
MATT LUCAS:
Do you mean what was I like?
SIR ALAN:
No, what was these two like as team leaders?
MATT LUCAS:
But I thought I was team leader and they were just helping me?
SIR ALAN:
Sorry, I'm confused.
MATT LUCAS:
But I thought of the two bottles idea. I take full credit for that. It was me. I should be the Apprentice because I want it, Sir Alan. I thought of it, and it's a unique product in the marketplace. I've been to the marketplace and I never saw anything like it in my life, in Bath. I thought of it. Not the designer. I did.
SIR ALAN:
Did you now? Well it's the two bottles idea that's gonna get Alex and Helene fired, because it would've cost too bladdy much to produce. Y'fired.
MATT LUCAS:
Does that mean I'm the Apprentice?
SIR ALAN:
No it bladdy doesn't.
EVERYBODY LEAVES EXCEPT LEE McQUEEN AND CLUR, WHO ARE VISIBLY TENSE. MATT LUCAS HAS TO BE REMOVED BODILY FROM ESSEX BY SECURITY
Scene 16. Int. Cab back to Bolton. Day
ALEX IS SOBBING
ALEX:
But I'm only 24. Did he not read that part of my CV? It's right at the top. Twenty four years of age!
Scene 17. Int. Cab back to Wakefield. Day
HELENE ISN'T CRYING, IT'S HER CONTACTS
HELENE:
Did he not take my balls into consideration? I've got ballsy balls. Perhaps I should have mentioned that more often? I blame Alex. He has no balls.
Scene 18. Int. TV studio dressed to look like a boardroom. Day
SIR ALAN:
Right, you two. One of you is gonna get hired. But I like both of you. I like you, Clur, because you've been on a journey and you give it less of that than you did 12 weeks ago, and I like you, Lee, because you're very convincing, very convincing, and neither of you is Lucinda. I don't know how I'm gonna choose between the pair of you, I really don't. [FURROWS BROW] I'm struggling. I really am struggling. [CHEWS PENCIL] What's a man to do? Tum-te-tum-te-tum. [SIGHS] What might decide it is this ... can either of you do an impression of some kind of dinosaur, but not a regular impression of a dinosaur, I don't know, something unusual, a bit of a spin on it, perhaps an impression of a dinosaur but backwards? I know it's a long shot, but it's the only criterion I can come up with.
LEE INHALES DEEPLY. CLUR BURSTS INTO TEARS
VOICEOVER:
The search is over. Sir Alan has found his Apprentice.
FADE
Entire series recaps: Week One, Week Two, Week Three, Week Four, Week Five, Week Six, Week Chicken, Week Fong, Week Tissue, Week Zonda, Week Warwick
posted by Andrew Collins @ 12:54 PM
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36 Comments:
This is an edited (and extended) version of my overnight thoughts (already posted on WWM because Swineshead loaded his review earlier).
No, Sir Alan, not Lee "that's what I'm bull-shitting about" McQueen.
2006 finalists: Ruth Badger and Michelle Dewberry. Sugar hires Dewberry who goes on to become pregnant and does not last very long at Sugar Towers. Sugar also, after the cameras have stopped rolling, employs Ruth Badger for "other projects" but without the fame and glory that Michelle Dewberry obtained.
2007 finalists: Tim-nice-but-dim wimpy posh bloke and Kristina Grimes, another tough cookie female candidate. Sugar hires Tim-nice-but-dim, but afterwards also offers a job to Kristina Grimes to work at Viglen.
2008 finalsts: no, Claire, do not succumb and accept any "second helpings" that Alan offers you as a consolation prize. Hold your head high and walk out, only stopping to accept 7 figure salaries *elsewhere* or a hugely lucrative media contract …. sit back and wait and watch with glee when Lee ballses up his first year in post.
What does Sugar have against ballsy, bolshy, brash women (Badger, Grimes, Young) - he seems to *sort of* like them but only up to a point .... and doesn't have the guts to let one of them actually WIN outright and walk away with the glory, when those women (Badger, Grimes, Young) are the kind of women who are moulded from the "WE GET THINGS DONE" brigade of super women.
Alan Sugar: you just lost one viewer for next year.
Did anyone else notice that Lee got so wound up at one point he managed to utter the words "Woulette Reel" ? And which ranker picked "Wyan" as the name of his "cheeky chappy" - that was just mean!
To be honest - it's the people that come second in this show that go on to bigger and better things, whilst those who come first disappear into viglen, sorry, obscurity. Viewed like that - the right person one ... go Clur !!
Sharon - I've told you already - there's no place for that kind of sexism in the blogosphere. Please retract your blatantly sexist remarks about how women are supposedly 'better' than men. They're not - especially the ones with balls. They're just show offs.
This review made my day, Monsieur Collins. Can you find a show to dramatise on a weekly basis now The Apprentice is all over?
Oh, but Clur will get a job with the lady from Birmingham City FC, won't she? Where they can work together to help businessmen see things "from a lady's perspective".
I thought the "Roulette" advert was hilarious. Was it supposed to be?
An epic worth waiting for, Andrew.
Nothing more constructive to say just now - I'm still chuckling too much.
Thanks.
*applauds*
A masterpiece!
I'm glad Lee won. He's fab.
And I laughed when Alex cried. The slimy, sulky, whingeing, pouty 24-year-old tit. Who's 24, by the way.
delores
wonderful. very very funny
thanks mr c
Yes, very amusing sir. I enjoyed your posts as much as the show, so - you're hired!
You now have to move to Brentwood and deliver an Apprentice sketch every week to amuse us - for nothing, for the rest of your life.
Congratulations.
PS: I think Lee's a nice guy, but the fact that he can't read and write properly and probably has undiagnosed dyslexia may be a problem.
A pair of shouty, lying, illiterate, bullying cheekbones gets the job? Go UK plc. Go us. Give me the bumper pack of paracetamol and razor blades NOW.
Anna
Good grief, is Alex only 24? never have guessed.
Top review of it. If only Lee had burst into song, then Barrowman could have wrestled Margaret out of her seat and given an opinion. After all, the poor chap hasn't been on telly for at least three days and twelve minutes.
Once again, I loved the fact they've obviously never seen a perfume/men's fragrance commercial in their lives. The simple ingredients are random images, not always in focus, in black and white. Done!
Aw, I read that with a tear in my eye, with the knowledge that this was the last Collins Apprentice blog I'd read til next year.
Muchos funos Mr C. Thanks.
BMx
Lee?
aboooooooooooooo !
Absolutely priceless, Andrew; you have made these weeks of The Apprentice so enjoyable for me; I shall miss your take on them so much. With much gratitude. Until next year ..........
Mary-Ann
I prefer it when you write normally, to be honest, this "script" palava was hard enough going the first time. Oh, and Claire (spell it right you daft fellow) was robbed.
Now, that's what I'm talking about!
By the way, I loved Sralun's take on the perfume task, where he said he didn't care if the fragrance was rotting cabbage. Just off to Boots to buy the non-metrosexual stench of Sralun's eau d'sauerkraut, in the special non-designer wrinkly 'deflated balloon' bottle. Um, splash it all over!
Good work!
I'm still laughing at 'If you want a boyfriend who's very much shaving cream, toothpaste and go, I'm your man.'
Superb job AC, really hit the spot.
I may attempt to workshop parts of these scripts employing what is to hand here for the various characters. I have a large, self satisfied cat who can be Clur, and there is a mangy dog with beady eyes two doors down who might be either Sir Alan or Nick. My daughter's biggest teddy bear will of course be appearing as Matt.
We're all very excited about this project.
Apologies Andy, my comment seems too harsh when reading it back. I've thoroughly enjoyed reading all your Apprentice blogs and don't wish to seem ungrateful, I do just genuinely prefer a straight write-up. Thanks for all your hard work.
I will really miss this update, thanks so much.
Was always a fan of Lee but more for what I think his abilities would in another room. He will do well on the project as its sales sales sales.
That said Clur was robbed so she was.
Brilliant - I've been reading your posts each week and they're always hilarious but this last one was a triumph - thanks for making the Apprentice even more entertaining
(and Claire was robbed, obvs)
Thank you for your blogs again this year, Andrew - I have enjoyed them all very much. Thanks, particularly, for thoughtful picture selection at the top of the posts. However, others haven't been so considerate... Top marks to news.bbc.co.uk for sterling work by having a front page on Thursday morning with a blind link on the right hand side reading 'You're Hired! Sir Alan has chosen his next apprentice' with a picture of siralan. Great stuff, not giving anything away. However, not 4 cm on the other left hand side under video new was 'LEE TALKS ABOUT WINNING THE APPRENTICE' with a big picture of Lee.
Nice one. Now, I appreciate that it is a BBC programme, and that it is popular. But surely, seeing as it's also one of the most watched programmes on iPlayer, they could be a bit subtle about it?
Once again, it seems that the work I do that is most appreciated is the work I do for free. (Except by Phil Bellamy, obviously! No offence taken, Phil.) What do this say about me? Not something that would fit easily into an Alan Sugar business model.
I've enjoyed doing the weekly blogs, as usual, even when I've strictly been too busy on paying work to do them. But hats off to Swinsehead, too, who was usually much quicker off the mark, and against whose work I always compare mine. I can only assume he goes to bed much later than an old man like me!
Thanks for the updates this year Andrew - as important a part of the apprentice as watching the programme for me. I'm afraid I agree with Phil though and prefer the prose narrative type reviews. Still, it's your blog and I'll happily take what I'm given.
I see that Lee has taken to saying that the dinosaur is extinct... sralun has had a word, I think. Shame. A slightly odd choice of winner, I thought, but an oddly satisfying one too.
Roll on next year.
ST
I think the lesson is, next year be crafty and persuade some newspaper to pay you to do these hilarious Apprentice blogs!
I think the person that was robbed was the one very capable person (there must surely have been several among the 20,000 applications) that the production team decided wouldn't make very good television. That said, for pure entertainment I think it was the best series so far.
I sympathise with Jason, it's quite hard avoiding hearing the outcome of each weeks show - when I was out on Wednesday and Thursday a few weeks back I had to avoid looking at news sites and the blogs I normally read until Saturday morning.
Very nice - made me laugh alot so cheers.
I had always presumed that it didn't really matter who won seeing as Sir Alan presumably gets paid more than the 100k he will pay the winner in the following 12 months to do the program in the first place, so even if he ends up with someone he doesn't really rate then he's still personally made money ?
Anyway, I seem to be just about the only person on the planet who quite liked Lucinda - which shows you how much I know.
I actually kept watching the football, too troubled by not going through with a free bet on Clur... (saw the last 10 minutes on the night though and the relief was fantastic). Character seems to make up 99% of what Sir Alan is looking for and the longer the process goes on the more indulgent that feels - so it's probably wise to not worry who wins. I don't know if that's why one of Sir Alan's mates and most of the audience on You're Fired! and You're Hired! looked so unhappy. Simon Ambrose looked dejected, as did Sophocles when Sir Alan gracelessly put him down. Jenny went from over-excitement to sudden misery when footage of her was shown - perhaps this is her first lifetime or something, she's like a puppy - or something. Lucinda wasn't letting go of her issues with Helene and I'm confused - but maybe she is actually Bonnie and Clyde. Anyway, thanks, adds a lot you doing these reviews Andrew and allowing even over-long comments.
I've only been reading the last couple posts after someone poitned me to your blog, and as everyone else, thoroughly enjoyed it!! Very funny =) Also agree with (Was it tellygirl) - you should sell these to some paper or mag for next year - top class!
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Did anyone else notice that Lee's eyes seemed to get bluer as the series progressed? I liked Lucinda until I saw her on the You're Fired programme, and then I suddenly went off her.
Thanks for the reviews - I will miss them.
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This post has been removed by the author.
This was very funny. Kudos!
John Craven
Couldn't comment before now as I was too emotional at the end of The Apprentice for another year!!!
Thanks for the blogs Andrew, they have brightened up every Thursday.
Zoe
I am so glad this ghastly series has finished now and you can apply your talent to blogging on other stuff. Just can't see what you get out of it.
Now "Supersizers Go..." is another matter entirely.
Oh my God, this report was absolute gold! I adored it! Seriously, I was beginning to feel major The Apprentice withdrawal syndrome, until I read this.
Kudos to you, sir!
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