No podcast today
As previously specified, there is no Collings & Herrin Podcast today. It is our first week off ever. We have recorded over a day's worth of free podcasts so far - 26 hours in total - and even when Richard went on holiday to Sicily, there was still a podcast, as there was last week when I was on holiday. He's back from Edinburgh next week and normal service will be resumed.This week though, let's just imagine what the podcast would be like.
Andrew Collings: ... Right.
Richard Herrin: Has it started?
Andrew Collings: Yes.
Richard Herrin: Hello.
Andrew Collings: Here we are again. Gary Glitter's back.
Richard Herrin: Is it good to be back, good to be back, do you think?
Andrew Collings: Well, he's probably sick of being at airports, which is the worst part of going on holiday, isn't it?
Rustling of newspapers
Richard Herrin: Was that supposed to be a joke?
Andrew Collings: No. I was just saying.
Richard Herrin: Good, because it wasn't very funny.
Andrew Collings: I didn't want it to be funny. I'm not funny. You're funny. I'm not. If I ever say anything funny it's an accident.
Richard Herrin: [adopts Cornish accent] Oi'm Mister Bean and Oi'm from Northaaaampton and if Oi say anything funny it's an aaaaccident!
Andrew Collings: [laughs] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Richard Herrin: I'd like to hide behind a curtain and wank off Gary Glitter with my tiny hands and then reveal myself to actually be a 41-year-old man - that would show him.
Andrew Collings: That's fucking disgusting.
Richard Herrin: Don't swear. I don't like it when you swear. It upsets the precarious balance between our two personas.
Andrew Collings: Can I talk about the Mitford sisters?
Richard Herrin: No. Nobody's interested. They want to hear me repeat stories from the week that I've already written out in Warming Up.
Andrew Collings: You look all wet. Have you just been swimming.
Richard Herrin: Why, does it turn you on?
Andrew Collings: What? A 41-year-old man who smells of chlorine? Not really, no. I like Jessica Mitford the best. She was a Communist.
Richard Herrin: You're a Communist.
Andrew Collings: You're a fucking idiot.
Richard Herrin: Don't swear. I don't like it when you swear. My rib hurts.
Andrew Collings: I'd better not say anything that makes you laugh then.
Richard Herrin: That seems unlikely.
Andrew Collings: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Richard Herrin: Come and see my show, The Headmaster's Son, at the White Belly at the Underbelly, some tickets left.
Andrew Collings: I see the Danny Wallace and Dom Joly Cobra Beer Pubcast has finished. They only did six. And they were getting paid. Lightweights. I would hate to get paid.
Richard Herrin: So would I.
Rustling of newspapers
Andrew Collings: Have you read this story about the economic downturn?
Richard Herrin: No, I don't read the newspapers.
Andrew Collings: I do.
Rustling of newspapers
Richard Herrin: That's what makes us different. I used to be in a double act with Stewart Lee.
Andrew Collings: And I used to be in one with Stuart Maconie.
Richard Herrin: Stuart Maconie is now in a double act with Mark Radcliffe, who used to be in one with Marc Riley, who was in a band, and that's why I've never heard of him.
Andrew Collings: Remember when we used to be on the radio?
Richard Herrin: They were great days.
Andrew Collings: Let's do a two-hour podcast today!
Richard Herrin: No, I'm too tired and hungover even though I never drink.
Rustling of Waitrose dried fruit
Andrew Collings: Shall I turn it off?
Richard Herrin: Wait until I'm in the middle of a
Now all you have to do is read this out with a friend, record it, and play it back on your MP3 player on your way to work. The week will fly by.
posted by Andrew Collins @ 2:24 PM
22 Comments
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22 Comments:
Nice one Andy, I enjoy a bit of satire on a Friday.
Are you calling me "Andy" in a satirical way?
Made me chuckle there - thanks Andy.
(I don't know if I'm being satirical there - I'm just copying the other guy.)
You ought to have said in the last para that we should do something to degrade the sound quality somewhat
;)
Enjoy your break.
Blast. I forgot there was no podcast this week for me to wash up to.
Have no fear though, as there's always this this for you to have a listen to.
You can't put it on an iPod but you can stream it. And its objectionable content will probably annoy you to death.
Sorry for the blatant plug, and for advertising something of a very low quality, Andrew.
It's almost like there was an Andy and Dickie podcast after all.
(Now I've got the bug too)
Proof, if any were needed, that every podcast is carefully scripted before we record it.
I just read out what Andrew has written. I am only a puppet and he is the comedy genius who comes up with all my breath-takingly brilliant statements.
Shame there was nothing about his mum in this weeks' podcast.
I just did a read-through on my own. I discovered that I can do both your voices perfectly. Imagine that!
swineshead, are we really to believe that you wash up listening to the podcast, rather than to Earth Wind and Fire like normal people? You can hardly fully make use of the reflective surfaces and percussion opportunities listening to a podcast can you?
Alright, I admit I listen to 'The Greatest Power Ballads' while I was up, using a mucky whisk as a microphone.
Reluctant as I am to complain, the quality of the font that was written it was really very very poor indeed.
Andrew, when you're refering to the inferior quality of my esteemed colleague Swineshead's WWM podcast, I'm assuming your talking in 'content' terms. Because in broadcast sound quality terms yours still sounds like two men sitting in a dustbin talking through Pringles tubes. Which before your complain sir, is just how I like it.
That amused more than it ought to have done.
"They want to hear me repeat stories from the week that I've already written out in Warming Up."
That made me laugh good and proper. I was actually looking forward to hearing more about the ribs! Hopefully Richard will do a summary next week!
- Simon
That was very funny Andy! The podcast is keeping me in touch with the UK whilst I work in LA for a year. It's like Gaunty is here with me.
Marc
p.s. Are you coming to Carter in November? If so just give me a shout.
That was almost as good as a real podcast! Thank you!
Now everybody's calling me Andy!
Look at me getting public offers of free Carter gig entry off their manager. I'm blushing. (You realise everybody will want to be on the guest list now, Marc!)
Very funny...I can picture it perfectly.
By the way, which is the best of the Waitrose dried fruits? Enquiring minds want to know...
I've just done podcasts 1-26 back to back for the last couple of weeks since finally becoming iPod enabled last month, and *now* you choose to take a break. I find myself having to go cold turkey, without you and Richard in my ears wherever I go.
However, this blog almost makes up for it. Although you appear to have left out the bumming.
:D
Could you arrange to do next weeks early so I can be sure of a chuckle on my journey to work on Tuesday?
I'll buy you a pint of oat milk...
You can't be Andy, you are always Andrew Collins, in full. No idea why, at least I don't feel the need to add Mr and Esq. I don't know if you have a middle name, I'm quite glad about that. Or I'd have to write Andrew Percival/Jarvis/Vladimir Collins all the time. Not all the time. Occasionally.
Besides, you don't look like an Andy. Your hair's too dark.
Oh, point. The notpodcast was very funny, thank you.
Mooninthegutter, my favoured Waitrose snacks in the pointlessly numbered Wholesome range are the Orchard Mix (number 173), the Berry Mix (27) and the Cranberry and Macadamia Nuts (67). Yum yum. If only they were organic. I also like to serve myself in old-fashioned paper bag from Cranberry, who have outlets in railway stations (and presumably elsewhere) - again, not organic, but it's fun to pick and mix, and their Mexican cashews will blow your mind.
No Gaunty? Ah yes, I remember now. And no Maestro conversation (about to watch the first live one)?
I lost my Headmaster's son programme as I was running to Chambers Street via Teviot. The show was like Kant meets Wank. Perhaps that could be RH's show next year. More existentialism, please (as they say on Points of View)
If this gets to you in time for thursday's podcast recording, has Rich noticed that he made the BBC News site with his views on the Spirit of the Fringe debacle? Complete with picture. Ooooooh!
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