Strictly embargoed
I saw the new Bond movie last night, Quantum Of Solace, its first ever showing anywhere in the world, at the Odeon Leicester Square in London's currently less busy West End. I'm not going to tell you what it's like, as I would be killed by Sony Pictures International and Eon. You can find out what it's like when it's released on 31 October.*Security was as tight as for any screening I've been to: queues of freeloaders snaking round Leicester Square due to bag and body searches, with all mobile phones and BlackBerries and recording devices and indeed any devices, recording or not, handed in at the door and bagged up to be collected afterwards in another dehumanising scrum. This is now standard industry practice for big screenings. The fear of piracy, escalated by the ease of digital technology, hangs in the air. While the film is showing, security guards scan the auditorium using night-vision binoculars. It's very Bond. They should make the next Bond movie about movie piracy. It would be very exciting. Anyway, the reason I even mention my attendance of a screening I can't talk about is to say this: why can't grown-up adults make it through an entire film without going to the toilet any more?
It's not the longest film in the world - 1 hour, 46 minutes (I'm assuming the running time isn't embargoed) - and yet, before it had finished, umpteen people got up and missed a bit, possibly a car chase or a chase across a roof, while they had a wee. This happens all the time now. I understand that kids get excited and have to be ushered to the toilets, but not adults - unless they have a urinary condition or stress incontinence, in which case, they're off the hook. Maybe it's just me, but I always take care to go before the film starts because I don't want to miss any of it.
This was the new James Bond film for fuck's sake! Why would you want to miss any of it? I can count on one hand** the times in my life when I've missed a bit of a film at the cinema: I had to leave Christine at the Northampton ABC in 1984 to be sick (but I paid to go and see it again so that I could see the bit I had missed while vomiting - the sick was nothing to do with the scary film, by the way); I consciously walked out of a screening of Showgirls in London because it was so shit; I also had to leave before the very end of a showing of Flashbacks Of A Fool in Shepherd's Bush earlier this year (also starring Daniel Craig), because I had to be at 5 Live in order to be on the radio to review it and some other films; and I've had to venture out a couple of times at various Odeons in order to be the one who tells the staff that the picture is out of focus, or out of alignment (one example I can remember: The Dreamers); and the print I saw of Thank You For Smoking broke and we all had to leave; and that, I think, is it. I am not a hero. I just don't like missing bits of films.
I blame those stupidly big buckets of diluted Coke which, again, grown adults seem to buy for themselves even though they are aimed at children. The young man next to me last night was slurping one of those through a quiet bit. I killed him.
* Or, you can read Peter Bradshaw's full and frank review in today's Guardian. Maybe I'm deluded. Maybe there isn't an embargo. Or maybe the Guardian don't give a fuck.***
** That's one hand if, like new Bond girl Gemma Arterton, you were born with six fingers on each hand.
*** Actually, all the dailies seem to have reviewed the film, or previewed it. Maybe none of them give a fuck. Many of the reviews, including the Mirror's, give away the death of one key character, which is downright ungentlemanly. Idiots. Are we allowed no surprises any more in this media-saturated scrum? My advice is to ignore the reviews. I won't write mine until the day before it's released, I promise. And when I do, I won't tell you that a key character dies, or how they die.
posted by Andrew Collins @ 10:06 AM
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I wish that last sentence was true, that you killed them by the power of thought alone. Selfishly making noise, then silence as he slowly and lifelessly slides down his chair.
I am always the last person out of the cinema, it's an issue for me, that is apparently also annoying.
Nothing wrong with watching the credits, MD. You go for it.
Maybe the warnings that go with films and trailers should be amended to include 'may cause stress incontinence'.
I went to see one of the Brosnan Bonds - I forget which - and a family came and sat down together in the row in front. They dutifully sat through the ads and trailers, then just as the film started and we saw the famous barrel-of-a-gun opening, they decided that would be the perfect opportunity to leave to buy popcorn and drinks.
Perhaps they were fooled by those announcements that say "there's still time to pick up a..."
But honestly? Who would leave a Bond film at the precise moment when you absolutely certainly know there's a guaranteed action sequence of some description?
I once went to the cinema to see the first Mr Bean film with a friend who appreciates that sort of humour more than I do.
There is a scene in it that, as I recall, has Mr Bean switch on a microwave oven with something inside it which is inevitably going to explode. [Hilarious]
The film cut to the oven's point of view, looking outwards. The expectation in the audience was growing. There were giggles and chuckles. The white interior of the microwave grew brighter. There was increased laughter. The expectation was immense and we all guffawed.
The screen remained white and the expectation of the blindingly obvious was reaching its peak. It was about to explode! The white interior grew brighter still. We were shaking with laughter and anticipation.
Then suddenly...
The houselights went up. The film had broken and we had all been laughing more loudly at a blank screen than we had for the whole film thus far!
It is beautifully ironic that this perfect piece of elongated comedy timing, which for me was the highlight of the film, was entirely accidental.
The film resumed a few minutes later and I can remember little more of the plot, except that Mr Bean wet his trousers in the toilet and tried to dry them under the hand-dryer. Or something.
As I have only missed bit of four films, and so do need super-evolved hands, does that mean I am a better film watcher than you, Mr Collins?
Admittedly I have also made far fewer cinema visits, with my last being two years ago. But then I do have to pay my own way, and ticket prices in London are rather high.
Only once did I need the toilet and could not wait. This was when watching "There's Something About Mary" at Cardiff's Queen Street ABC. Immediately following which I quickly ran next door to the Queen Street Odeon to see "The Truman Show". So it is not like I would have had time after it had finished anyway.
Sadly neither of those two old cinemas are with us today. Although in all honesty, Cardiff is a tad too far to go just to watch a film. Even London prices look good compared to also needing an Intercity train ticket.
The other two films I missed were ones chosen by my then girlfriend, and both put me to sleep. Those being "Chicken Run" and "Saving Grace". I did not leave home feeling tired, they were just that uninteresting to me.
I also came close with "The Thin Red Line", which I went to see as soon as it opened. And it was absolutely fantastically well made. Just so long and boring. But I managed to last through to the end and beat it.
And they say there are no winners in war.
Over the last year or so, I've noticed a huge increase in people repeatedly interrupting radio show recordings through deciding they need to leave to use the toilet partway through. And I don't mean right at the end of a long session when the retakes start, but only ten or fifteen minutes into proceedings. It used to be a very rare occurrence. Now, once one starts, it seems to open the floodgates and others begin to skip out. Have they really missed the point that the audience is there & miked up above to provide a background reaction to the show, so any noise is going to be audible?
It's hugely inconsiderate and some nights we've sat there counting the number of idiots who traipse in & out, knocking over people's drinks as they clamber over feet & bags when we all have to stand up to let them by; clumping along the theatre floor and letting the auditorium door slam loudly behind them. It's very distracting and (fun ad-libs directed at the weak-bladdered fooles from those on-stage aside*) frequently means the performers have to restart what they're saying, which must be very galling when you're in the middle of a punchline. It's particularly bad when several people decide to get up one after another during songs, as if they don't actually count towards the finished programme; more than once I've witnessed acts having to redo entire numbers due to this thoughtlessness.
I've been attending these shows for around seventeen years and everyone's always been happy drinking in the bar beforehand and managed to sit through the entire proceedings up until recently. It usually means sitting still for only an hour or hour & a half. It irritates me that the studio staff actually let them straight back in afterwards; surely it would be more sensible to wait until there is a natural break in the recording (even if it means them staying outside until the end)? This might act as more of a deterrent to make others wait. Some producers have even taken to explaining at the start that the audience should not be leaving during the recording, which is a bit pathetic to have to remind people of basic courtesy.
I too get tutted at by people wanting to push by me while I'm watching the end credits at the cinema. And I was one of a small number of patrons who patiently waited in the theatre last week while the orchestra played the outro & gave them a final round of applause.
Perhaps I'm just getting old...
* Best ever was one woman who thought that if she crouched down no-one would notice her stealthily make her way down the stairs over several minutes, sitting atop each step in turn as she unsuccessfully attempted to disguise her exit. She then made into a low, lumbering ape-like scurry across the front of the stage to be chased out of the door by an alert Hugh Dennis. Who then went on to comment on the strange "man's" behaviour to much renewed hilarity on her eventual return...
Perhaps as well as playing those warnings about turning off mobile phones (not that you were allowed yours in, but bear with me), they should discretely play the sound of babbling brooks for 20 minutes or so prior to the film starting, to encourage everyone to go wee-wee.
For someone born with twelve fingers (technically 10 fingers and 2 thumbs) and a crumpled ear, she's a real hottie. You can use that in your review if you want! ;-)
On a different, but slightly related note, is it my imagination or did telly magazines when we were growing up never do 'spoilers'. I don't think they did. You can't pick up a Radio Times these days without finding out on the front cover that your favourite soap star is going to snuff it next Wednesday, etc. Are we not allowed surprises anymore? A slight exaggeration, perhaps. Rant over.
Doug.
Personally I would never go to the plopshop during a film. I always go beforehand, like I do when I'm leaving the house or doing anything else where I'll have to concentrate for more than 40 minutes. but thoughts on a big proper film preview like that: did they serve alcohol? was it a proper red carpet do - if so various members of girl/boy bands & soap stars might be more interested in being photographed on the red carpet & *powdering* their noses? if it was all film reviewers - are they just so blase - did they need to go and check their messages on their blackberries at reception?
Is the character killed in a cinema after slurping his/her way through a large bucket of diluted Coke, by Mark Steel, well, it might be Mark Steel, it's quite dark in a cinema.
Still a Bond Virgin. And at 39 too!
Pathetic really.
Mind you, our nearest picture house is 50 miles away.
I don't know why, but I almost always have to pee in the middle of a film. I'm really sorry for the people sitting behind me, but I always try to sit on the end of the row to minimise disruption. It's not something I can control. I'm not incontinent or anything, but even if I go beforehand, about half an hour into the film I'll start getting a tingle down below. It'll gradually turn from a dull ache to a sharp pain. Then, about an hour in, I'll realise I can't enjoy the film any longer and I'll have to pop out. It's annoying for people I'm with, and people like Andrew Collins sitting behind me. But it's MORE annoying for me, as I love films and hate to miss parts of it. So give me sympathy!
ps I managed to sit all the way through Titanic, but had to go twice in the 90 minutes of Lake Placid - so the quality of the film may have a bearing on the situation.
This posting has just reminded me that I've finally made it to 25 years without vomitting.
With the smoking ban in force, could it just be people that can't last the length of a film without needing to light up?
Oh my God, I've just seen myself on Have I Got News For You.
Just be grateful that wasn't actually you, you'd have had to use your killing power repeatedly.
I am like Andrew Ryan, I also almost always need to pee when watching a film at a cinema. Yes I always go before hand, but it doesn't help. Actually, 1 hour 47 minutes is quite a long time to go without having a pee, I think, especially when you consider that you will probably have got there at least 15 minutes before the film starts, so that makes it two hours. Some bladders are bigger than others, it seems.
But I tend to only see unpopular films in deserted cinemas so I don't bother that many people.
I am so insanely excited about this film. I've been avoiding reviews etc like the plague (fortunately I'm in the USA at the moment and it's not released until 14th November so there's not so much buzz here) so thanks for not ruining it for me!
There's no way I'd leave a cinema during a film, I'm making sure I get my money's worth. I'm one of those people that annoys the ushers by staying right to the very end of the film when they're trying to clean up.
Lizzie
I heard the theme tune the other day and feel cheated that they didn't rise to the challenge of putting Quantum of Solace in the lyrics.
How comes Newsround presenter Lizo Mzimba can review it:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7676637.stm
...but you can't?
Not a fan of the poster,
Don't know why they had to team up Alicia Keys and Jack White for the theme song,,not the best song,,,even worse video.
I will still be seeing this film in the opening week.
OH! You've just turned up on my telly narrating a programme called Rock Stars' Kids. You sound to my ears to have mischeviously pronounced Diana Ross's daughter's name as 'chutney'.
(George Best RIP)
Dave W, I think we have established that I could review it if I wanted. I mistook the military security levels at the screening for a fear of anything leaking out - including in print. Well, nobody else is abiding by an embargo, so clearly I don't need to. I won't be revealing plot points when I do review it though. Not like the others.
why can't grown-up adults make it through an entire film without going to the toilet any more?
...or make it through an entire film without having the need to eat and or drink. Seriously, sometimes in my local cinema during the 'quiet bits' (and sometimes the loud bits) it can sound like im sat in front of a load of ruminants. I think I'd rather people getting up to go to the toilet than scritch, scratch, munch and crunch their way through some half gallon tub of popcorn or six litre barrel of pepsi.
Andrew, without giving anything away - is the title of the film just two random nouns picked out of a dictionary?
Deckchair of Pleasure
Bananas of Desire
Toilets of damnation
Sausages of precision
ad nauseum
I was there on Friday, and the tight security was absurd. While getting my phone back afterwards I feared I might be crushed to death by the crowd, and we were up at the split second the credits came up, so God knows how long those who weren't had to wait.
Anyway, I thought it was all-action, not as good as Casino Royale, weak script, blah blah blah. Glad I've seen it though.
Was it really necessary for Mark Kermode to stand up in the cinema for a whole hour before the film started?
And what irritated me were the latecomers. There were hundreds of them, all seemingly wanting to get into our row.
I held my wee in.
I have never had to go to the toilet in the middle of a film at the cinema. Whilst watching the 3rd Lord of the Rings film I really needed a wee, but fortunately the projector broke for 10 minutes so I had time to go, didn't miss any of the film and got a free ticket from the cinema to make up for it - result!!
However I am a nightmare at football matches because I ALWAYS need a wee incredibly badly about 20 minutes into the first half, despite going just before kick off. It is the beer. I can't drink beer and not need the toilet every 20 minutes. But not drinking a single pint does detract from the football watching experience, especially when my team are so appalling at the moment that I often wonder if a season ticket was worth the bother.
The moral of the story is... don't sit on my row at a football match.
I always go to the toilet before the film, but then wonder if the person taking my ticket afterwards is wondering if I've washed my hands and I want to tell them 'yes' to reassure them but I don't.
I am constantly complaining about out of focus projection, and occasionally sound so loud it makes my ears feel as if they are bleeding. I have never yet had a cinema correct the focus, and have decided that DoPs just don't care anymore.
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